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Young Writers Society



The moon’s fault: chapter 2

by rida


 Chapter 2

Aylin squinted at the tiny creature she had picked up. How could she explain its existence? Aylin held the creature on her palm. The creature was about an inch tall, wearing a white lab coat and black jeans. It was a girl who looked like she was 25 or 26. Her hair was brown and silky, flowing down to her waist. The girl had chestnut brown skin and her eyes were brown.

Aylin gasped. It couldn’t be-? No. He would never. Aylin thought, desperately. Little specks of white light peeked from the window. It was almost morning. Without a second thought, Aylin dumped the girl into her pocket, ignoring the girl’s protesting squeaks. Her night-duty was finished. She walked to the counter. The counter woman was already there. Aylin groaned. She tried making herself as insignificant as she could and quickly walked to the door. Her hands grasped the door’s cold surface when a voice floated from behind her.

“Hello, there. You were so consumed with sorrow yesterday, I would very much like it if you continue to do so today.” The cruel voice said

 Aylin gulped. She forced her sorrow to the back of her mind. Sorrow was dangerous. She whirled around on the same spot. The counter woman was adjusting a large banner on the roof of the counter. Aylin glanced at the banner. She gasped, re-reading it to be sure. There wasn’t a mistake, Andrew Goshick was visiting this museum today. The counter woman smiled. She licked her lips.

“I do hope you have enough sorrow.” She said.

Aylin frowned. “I don’t want this today. I have to go,” Aylin replied.

The counter woman laughed. “Ooh, suddenly so brave? I liked the timid little thing,” the counter woman smiled. “Got anything to report?” She asked.

“No I-” Aylin changed her mind mid-sentence. “As a matter of fact, I do. Andrew Goshick’s Earth is ruined,” she replied.

The counter woman gasped. “Have fun taking care of it,” Aylin said, laughing, and walked away, leaving the counter woman speechless.

*

Lucy stared at the giant, speechless. She pressed her hand on her chest, feeling the frightened beatings of her heart. The giant was silent and still. Lucy was waiting to be attacked any moment now. She peered down. She wouldn’t survive the fall. Her eyes scanned the room. There seemed to be two windows, maybe she could escape from there? The problem was reaching the window.

Suddenly, the giant shoved Lucy into her pocket, ignoring her protests.

It was dark. Lucy suddenly realised she had her bag with her. She hugged the bag for comfort

Memories flashed across her closed eyelids. She was nine or ten, her mother was gifting her a book. She thirteen or fourteen, her father was worried and scared. She was fifteen or sixteen, her mother was whispering her to hide in the cupboard. She was seventeen or eighteen, she was being asked to leave the orphanage. She was twenty-two or twenty-three, she had a job as a scientist. She was twenty-four, she was told she would be fired if she didn’t leave her pointless theories about the solar system.

Suddenly, something cold and hard hit Lucy’s feet. She could see a glint of silver underneath.

Lucy bent down, her spine stretching painfully. She felt the surface, it was bumpy, cold and hard. Lucy ran her fingers along it’s cold, hard edges. It was a circular figure. She clasped it’s edges and pulled.

It was a large coin. It looked like it was 30 times the size of a normal coin. That is, Earth’s coins. The coin had a symbol on it: a hand holding a sort of ball which danced. Lucy gasped as she realised it wasn’t normal for symbols in coins to move. She touched the ball on the coin. It shivered, stopped moving and then continued dancing like the flames of a fire. Lucy tried to read the inscriptions on its side, but they seemed to be written in a language she didn’t know. But they seemed familiar, somehow.......

Lucy inhaled the scent of sweet flowers from it. Irises. Her lips stretched into a fond smile as her heart cherished memories of her past. Irises were her mother’s favourite flower.

Suddenly, she felt a sudden jolt and the coin slipped from her fingers. “Ouch!” She exclaimed, as the coin hit her foot. She peeked out, only to be stuffed back again. She scowled. She picked the coin again, only to realise it was squashed. The coin was made of a strangely soft metal. A metal which felt like it was hard, but was, in truth, incredibly soft.

“Interesting,” Lucy muttered, bending down to examine it.

“Very interesting.”

*

Aylin pulled over her hoodie and walked quickly through the puddles on the street. It was raining. She stretched her pale hand to feel the soft tears of rain on her palm. She smiled.

“Get me out!” The girl in her pocket screamed.

Aylin quickly stuffed the girl back in her pocket, casting nervous glances around her surroundings. She walked down the street and came to a dead end.

In front of her was a brick wall where flowers were graffitied. She moved closer and squinted at a particularly rough brick. “Let me in.” She commanded. A wrinkled face appeared on the brick, with a long nose and eyes squinted because of its scowl.

“Oh, now why would I?” The face said. It had a strange, flat voice.

“I’ll tell Alvaro. I’m sure he would love to hear about our..... deal.” Aylin said, grinning slyly.

The face looked uncomfortable at the words. “Fine,” he grumbled. Aylin felt the girl peak out from her pocket but Aylin pushed her in again. She couldn’t risk letting anyone know about her.

Suddenly, the face disappeared from the brick. The whole wall began melting, and soon, a puddle of red substance lay still on the ground.

The wall had melted to reveal a whole new world. Buildings of all shapes and sizes were standing neatly in a row. Some buildings were round, some square, some heart shaped and surprisingly, some in the shape of a cat. Most of them looked like apartments, though some looked independent. Some even had rooms 890 metres below sea level!

Aylin walked towards a strange, paper thin building. She fumbled open the door.

Inside, the whole area was consumed with staircases, all winding here and there. Some curving around each other, some going straight up and some going down.

Aylin scanned the room and moved towards a staircase leading upstairs. She ran up it, only encountering a few spiders and a troop of ants.

The staircase lead her to her small apartment. It had a wooden door with a shiny brass knob. She opened it as silently as possible. She didn’t want any neighbours to know she was back. She quickly shut the door.

Her apartment was neat and well decorated. The door opened into the living room. The walls were painted blue with little specks of white. Streaks of purple and pink were seen here and there on the wall. It looked a lot like the walls in the planets room of the museum. Except for it looked a bit sloppy.

The living room opened into a dining table. It was wooden with two chairs sticking at its sides. The table too, it seemed, had a touch of Aylin’s unique art.

Though it seemed wooden, it’s sides had paintings of Andrew Goshick’s planets, who were bumping into each other. The flat front of it were painted midnight blue, with scribblings on top. Aylin wasn’t good at calligraphy.

The other side opened into a petite, cosy kitchen. The walls had been painted pink, with little hearts with wings. This sudden deviation from the theme stood out. Though, if one would observe it closely, they’d find it more immature and far more sloppy then the others. So, it could be that Aylin’s interest in galactic art had not been so since her childhood.

Aylin collapsed into her couch, but stood up immediately as she heard the strangled cry from her pocket. She gently removed the girl in her pocket. The girl seemed fine. A knock on the door broke her train of thoughts as she quickly yet gently put the girl in her pocket.

She opened the door. A tall, muscular man stood on the doorway. He had brown eyes crinkled into a kind smile and black hair lying messy all over his face. He was wearing an armour. He grinned.

“Aylin! Long time no see!” He said. He had a heavy, booming voice.

Aylin smiled.

“Hello, Alvaro.” She replied.

She stepped aside to let him enter. He sat down on the couch.

“How are you?” He asked.

“I’m fine, you?” She asked, feeling guilty for lying to her best friend. In truth, she was not fine. She was far from fine. She was angry, she was irritated and she was anxious. But she couldn’t tell him what was happening. She couldn’t tell anybody.

“So.... ” The man called Alvaro said. There was an awkward pause. Aylin was still standing on the doorway.

“Your little door pet has an attitude.” She said.

“What, Loren?” He asked, scoffing.

“You know........ he yearns for visiting the outside world. Maybe if yo-” She broke off as she saw the look on Alvaro’s face: angry and shocked.

“No. I am not letting you free him.” He said, a stern expression conquering his face. Aylin sighed.

“Fine....” she muttered.

“Poems still can protect this area, I am good at them..... you have a job, she monitors you, she almost caught you last time.” Aylin said, slowly and cautiously.

Alvaro was silent, still looking angry.

“She caught you last time, we had to change our location. She knows about this.” Aylin breathed, more loudly and confidently seeing he didn’t shout.

“She won’t find this place. Not with Loren as a guard. This place is for people who she doesn’t accept. I won’t let her destroy them.” He replied, his voice raising surprisingly high. Aylin jumped.

“But..... Loren isn’t exactly what you call ‘loyal’.” She said, biting her lips.

“He might be bribed easily, it’ll be easy for you if you free him, I’ll write stronger poems.” Aylin continued.

Alvaro sighed.

“I don’t want to continue this subject.” He said, his expression turning imperious.

Aylin sighed.

“I have to go now.” He said shortly, moving towards the door.

“Good day.” He said, without glancing at Aylin.

And he was gone.

Aylin locked the door. She removed a pen and a notebook from her pocket and started scribbling on it. Her pen shivered as if it was subjected to severe heat, yet stayed determined on the paper.

After fifteen minutes of frantically scribbling, Aylin smiled.

“There.” She whispered.

The paper suddenly started shivering. It jerked away from Aylin’s grasp and stood in midair.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, it started dancing in midair. As it twirled, it started fading. Fading into lines. Lines fading into lines. It was all lines, lines, lines.

And then it happened: the lines launched at Aylin, dissolving in her flesh. She felt them running inside her veins, zooming in her heart and manipulating her mind. She felt magic.

Aylin straightened up, feeling slightly dizzy. She felt a restless shuffling in her pocket.

Even though she was usually confident, she felt nervous as she opened her pocket and removed the girl from it. She stared at the girl, who was now fighting against her grip.

“Hello.” Aylin whispered softly.

The girl stopped fidgeting. She eyed Aylin suspiciously.

“Hello.....” she replied, slowly and cautiously, her eyes narrowed.

“I’m Aylin.” Aylin said, smiling. The girl nodded.

“Lucy.” She said.

Aylin smiled.

“What a wonderful name!” She replied, lowering the girl called ‘Lucy’ onto her table.

“Who are you? Where am I? What are you going to do to me?!” Lucy blurted out, unable to control herself.

Aylin smiled.

“Alas! My dear friend, I don’t know what has happened. However, it may help if I tell you how I found you.” She replied. “And what I suspect is happening,” Aylin added.

Lucy still looked uncertain, but sat cross legged on the table, arms folded in front of her.

Aylin sat down, this was going to be a long story.


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35 Reviews


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Reviews: 35

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Sat Feb 27, 2021 10:09 pm
Vita wrote a review...



Hi! I saw this in the green room and went back to the first chapter to read the whole thing. I really like your concept. Like Plume said, it definitely has some similarities to Alice in Wonderland. It really made me want to know more about the world you've created.
That said, I have a few small critiques:
"Aylin gasped. It couldn’t be-? No. He would never. Aylin thought, desperately" I would consider italicizing Aylin's thoughts. Also, the period after never should be either a comma or an exclamation mark.
“Hello, there. You were so consumed with sorrow yesterday, I would very much like it if you continue to do so today.” The cruel voice said" The very end of this sentence needs a period. At the end of the dialogue, it should be a comma.
“Interesting,” Lucy muttered, bending down to examine it.

“Very interesting.” This can just be one paragraph, with a comma after the word "it".

"So, it could be that Aylin’s interest in galactic art had not been so since her childhood." So Aylin has lived in the same apartment since she was a child? That's surprising, and its surprising that Lucy was able to deduce that just by looking at the paintings on her walls.

The conversation wit Alvaro seemed a bit rushed and sudden. I don't think it would be a bad thing if it were a bit longer and more fleshed out. It was also kind of frustrating not to understand a single thing they were talking about. Its good to leave some aspects of a story a mystery, but leaving out to much information is confusing rather than cryptic. What's a door pet? Who is "she"? why did Alvaro have to change locations?"

I really love the idea of magic that's done with poems, its so creative! I hope we learn more about this worlds magic system.

"Aylin sat down, this was going to be a long story." This should be two sentences. "Aylin sat down. This was going to be a long story."
Overall, your concept and world building is amazing and your writing style is pretty good. I hope you'll continue this story so I can find out what happens next!




rida says...


Thank you so much for the very helpful review!
I%u2019ll try to improve my mistakes



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701 Reviews


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Sat Feb 27, 2021 6:52 am
ForeverYoung299 says...



A great one




rida says...


Thank you!! :)



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Fri Feb 26, 2021 9:02 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review!

I think I read and enjoyed the first segment of this story, so I came back for more! It's definitely getting weirder, that's for sure. It's not a bad thing though. I'm actually really interested in this. It's such a cool concept. I'm not 100% sure what's going on, but that adds to the mystery of it. It creates a very bizarre mood. It kind of reminds me of Alice in Wonderland, a bit, or some other type of alternate reality/fantasy type thing, you know? It's really nice!

One thing I think you did really well was the development of certain things during this section. I think you have really great pacing; each moment lasted just the right amount of time and none of it seemed to drag. I was super invested in it all the way through. You introduce new characters, create whole new environments... it was super fun to read. Great job!!

One thing I wondered about was your dialogue formatting. I forget if I brought this up the other time I reviewed it, but you've got some inconsistencies there. The general rules for dialogue go like this:

If it's followed by a dialogue tag, use a comma, exclamation mark, or question mark (based on the tone/purpose of the dialogue content) and keep the tag and pronoun/noun lowercase.

Example: “What a wonderful name!” she replied.

If you aren't using a dialogue tag, you end the dialogue with a period, exclamation mark, or question mark and make the next statement capitalized.

Example: “Ooh, suddenly so brave? I liked the timid little thing.” The counter woman smiled.

A lot of people have trouble getting the hang of it, so don't feel bad! Having dialogue formatted correctly makes it much easier to read, though. I'd suggest just reading through your piece as you would a book and seeing what things don't seem right.

I also wondered about the stuff that happened towards the end. I know I said before that I really enjoyed all the new stuff you included in this part, but some of it was sort of confusing. The whole poetry-Loren-mysterious "she" conversation that Aylin and Alvaro had didn't really make sense to me, and I also wondered about the context/purpose of the paper magic thing that happened to Aylin towards the end. You might be gearing up to explain them in later sections, in which case, feel free to ignore this. I just think a little context for the reader might be appreciated, especially when you're keeping more than one aspect of the book in the dark.

Specifics

Though it seemed wooden, it’s sides had paintings of Andrew Goshick’s planets, who were bumping into each other. The flat front of it were painted midnight blue, with scribblings on top.


Two things: "it's" should be "its," and "it" and "were" don't agree. Either change "it" to "them" or "were" to "was."

Overall: nice job! I'm really looking forward to seeing where you go next with this story.




rida says...


Thank you so much for the review!!
I will try to improve the dialogues.
Also, I was intending to explain about the poetry and Loren and the mysterious %u2018she%u2019 in the next chapter.
Again, thank you so much for the helpful review!!




I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman