Young Writers Society

Hi there rida - I'm back for another review! I'll be reviewing your piece using the Technique template, just so you know why it's divided up the way it is ^^

Impressions
To me, this poem seems to be about trying to connect with the universe and feel at peace with oneself. The narrator is listening to the "hum" of the universe, and making their own hum, and there seems to be some dissonance with these hums. The narrator says how they cannot seem to match their hum with the universe, they can't "camouflage" themself with everyone else. So they try to fit in, with fake smiles on their face and lies in their words - but they want to find somewhere where they can be themself and not worry about fake smiles and fake words. In the last stanza, there seems to be some resolution, as the narrator is now singing, dancing, and smiling, and being genuinely themself.

At the end of the poem, I'm left with the impression that once the narrator starts being themself, they finally feel a bit more at peace with the world (which is definitely a great moral!) Perhaps there's even a bit of defiance, in the way the narrator says that no one can take away their smile. I would definitely say the final three lines:

And the smile I smile,

Is the I’m-where-I’m-me-and-I’m-happy smile

That they never can take away from me.

Are a super strong ending!


Sensory + Imagery
Once again, your imagery and sensory descriptions are really lovely in this poem! I love the way the narrator talks about themself -> "And I push the hums from my heartbeat / Into the stars," and "And sometimes, when I’m alone, / I glance into my heart," are both such striking images <3 They feel like really personal, intimate actions, and make me feel like the narrator reflecting to themself about their life. In fact, there are a lot of places throughout the poem that have a very self-reflecting tone!

These two lines, for example (which coincidentally, are my two absolute favourite lines from the whole poem!):

I wonder if it’s just us telling us

The truth about ourselves.

and also this part of the poem, where the narrator says something and then corrects themself:

The music I listen to,

Is lost in history,

No, in space,

In solace,

So overall, I really like how you use your language and images to create a personal tone throughout!


Description
As a rule of thumb in poetry, you should try to only use descriptions that add meaning and context to the poem. If something sounds pretty, but the poem's meaning would be the exact same without it, it's often a good bet to cut out that part. That helps keep the poem effective, impactful, and to the point - which means readers are less likely to lose interest or forget what exactly the poem is about.

In the case of this poem, the main part I think could be cut to make the poem more effective is the entire first stanza:

The world spins

Ballerina-twirls while tiptoeing

Around the sun- an obnoxious obsession

Without which we’re nothing.

It gives us a nice picture to imagine in our heads, definitely, but as far as I can tell it doesn't add any real meaning to the poem. If you jump right in at "There's a hum in the universe-" instead, I honestly don't think much would be lost. Of course this is a bit subjective, so if you feel the first stanza adds some important context to the poem, then that's your call!

The other point I wanted to bring up about the description in this poem is more of a question. In the second-to-last stanza, the narrator says

Do you think the hums

Of me and the hums

Of the universe

Sing in sync?

I don’t think so-

Implying the "hums" of them and the "hums" of the universe are not the same thing.

In the last stanza, however, the narrator says

The song I sing

Is the song the universe sings,

which seems a bit contradictory to me. I assumed the "song" and the "hums" represent the same thing, so after reaching the end of the poem, I'm left wondering if they actually do? Or if they represent two different things? Just something to mull over!


Last thoughts
I really enjoyed reading this poem! It has some similar themes to the last one I reviewed, about feeling alone and trying to fit in with the world. One thing that stood out to me about this poem, though, is that you used a lot of beautiful sound devices, especially alliteration and assonance. From "obnoxious obsession", "hums from my heartbeat", "Sing in sync?", and "wide & wild world", to "plastic&chemical plastered" - there are a LOT of lovely sounds in this poem, and it gives the poem a really smooth feeling to read!

I hope this review proves helpful for you, and again, if you have any questions/ comments about stuff I brought up, don't hesitate to reach out :)

Keep writing,
--whatcha

I really liked this poetry, it almost felt like a monologue someone would've heard in a musical or in a play.
And I like how you used your similes and metaphors. For example:

There’s a hum in the universe-

Consistent and Crystal-clear,

A signal, a long beep-

A different kind of morse code

Which you and I and she and he and they

All decipher differently,

I wonder if it’s just us telling us

The truth about ourselves.

I like how you mentioned this "voice" as a Morse Code, and how everyone interprets differently.
Eventually in the end, everyone interprets this music differently, the humming and the sound.
In the same time, it concluds that what we heard isn't just a sound-- it's also our self-identity too, from how we interpret ourselves and others, also our uniqueness, how everyone thinks different.

In conclusion, nice poem. Very philosophical, it left me in a deep thought!