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School

by rida


Imprisoned.                           

We are bound by heavy chains.          

Imprisoned.          

almost driven insane

It’s injustice, what’s happening to others and me.            

But adults don’t seem to hear.     

Our continues, desperate cries of plea.        

It’s injustice, what’s happening to others and me.          



We need to break free.             

We want some happiness in our life.       

We need to make sure we survive.     

We want to live our life.       



The treacherous prison we live in.      

The place they call school.           

Exams are nearing, tension and chaos too.      

We are forced to study, but we will win

We will show the world.        

That we are clever, intelligent, we use our wits.           



We will spread our wings wide.         

Show them our true strength, our might.


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Fri Oct 09, 2020 12:37 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there rida! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

I like the first stanza and how it sets up a rhythm, though I think the line about continued desperate pleas is a little awkward. Maybe something like "perpetual pleas"? It looks shorter but seems to fit in terms of syllables.

I also like the overall idea of how school is terrible and how adults don't seem to get it. I know when I was in school, my mom would say things like "you're young, you don't have stress", which seems awfully ridiculous while I'm buried to the gills in classwork because every teacher thinks an hour of homework is reasonable.

However, I feel like I'm not really getting a sense of how school is. It tells us school is stressful and prison-like, but I don't really feel it. There's so many angles you could take here-the draconian physical structure of school (eg having to ask permission to go to the bathroom, the need to teleport across the school in order to get to your next class, rules about when you can eat/drink), the social stress (getting along with classmates, figuring out where to sit at lunch, cliques and bullying), the unrealistic homework expectations, the constant question of "when will I need to know this?", and probably more reasons I can't think of right now. You touch on some of this, but I really think you could play this up with more imagery and examples.

I'm also not sure what "winning" and "showing our might" looks like. Are these kids striking from school? Or is "winning" in this case just getting good grades and making it to graduation.

Overall, this isn't a bad start, but it'd be interesting to build upon this. Keep writing! :D




rida says...


Thank you for reviewing my poem! I will make sure to keep these things in my mind for the next poem I write. And, as for the %u2018winning%u2019 thing, well, it is the good grades.



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Thu Oct 08, 2020 8:55 pm
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Andrewknorpp says...



As a homeschooler who has been to public school
I approve of this message




rida says...


:)



rida says...


:)



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Thu Oct 08, 2020 7:33 pm
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ShadowQueen wrote a review...



Hey there! I decided I'd review some more poetry today.

The first two lines of the poem are certainly a strong start, taking it in a very different direction than the unassuming title would suggest. The part following directly after sets the rhythm you're establishing off a little, though:

Imprisoned.

almost driven insane


Having the "a" in "almost" uncapitalized is different than what you were doing before, and ending the sentence without a period is also a little strange, given that this line doesn't flow into the next one.

But adults don’t seem to hear.

Our continues, desperate cries of plea.


The sentence form here is a little strange, where the period feels out of place. Would something like But adults don't seem to hear/Our continued, desperate cries of plea. work better for what you're trying to say?

We are forced to study, but we will win


It probably makes sense to end it with a period here as well.

We will show the world.

That we are clever, intelligent, we use our wits.



We will spread our wings wide.

Show them our true strength, our might.


I know you're most likely trying to establish a rhythm where you end each line with a period, but it disrupts the flow of the poem somewhat. I would suggest removing one period, and changing another of the periods here to a comma, like this: We will show the world/That we are clever, intelligent, we use our wits./We will spread our wings wide,/Show them our true strength, our might.

The message of the poem is definitely clear, and I like the way you spoke up about it here. Thank you for your writing!

- Shadow




rida says...


Thank you so much for reviewing my poem! My tab has a problem, so my paragraphs and lines aren%u2019t always neat. And if I use the return button it always goes to lines down, so I have to first tap space button a number of times and then it would go only one line back, so in the end, there are always periods in the end finish with a period.



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Thu Oct 08, 2020 6:54 pm
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Just want to give this fact to you...

My dad travels the world (Not right now of course) and he frequently visits prisons. Well, guess what? The designs that are for schools here are designs for prisons in other countries.
So, quite literally, schools are prisons.




rida says...


Oh, I didn%u2019t know that! But I know that schools are prisons, no doubt about it.



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Thu Oct 08, 2020 5:11 pm
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rida says...



The paragraphs aren’t neat, I know, but there seems to be a problem with this....





It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming