#1 ‘if this world can....’
if this world,
Is just a tiny pinprick
Of life
In the vast canvas of the universe
The how can a heart
Feel so much,
Break so much,
Suffer so much
In only this tiny pea?
.
.
And if this world
Is just a round ball
Of oceans and continents
-land
The how can it hold
The infinite weight
Of endless questions?
.
.
And if this world
Can hold infinite questions
In its watery depths and grains,
Then why can’t it
Hold the infinite answers
To its infinite questions?
.
.
If this world
Can burn witches to ashes
Then why does it never seem to
Kill the endless dragons
Poisoning its morals?
.
.
If this world
Can allow ‘never’ to fall on its lips
Then why doesn’t it allow
‘Forever’ to rise in its heart?
.
.
If this world
Can write fairy tales with happy endings,
Why won’t it bother
To turn them into reality?
.
.
If this world
Can open a hundred doors
to science
Why can’t it open
The million other doors
To ‘change’?
.
.
And if this world
Can hang from ropes tied on rafters,
Why can’t it sow
‘Hope’ into its hearts?
#2 ‘Hope is infinite’
I look at myself
Calloused skin from the scars
Life left on me
Matted hair uncombed
Since the time I pulled them out of
Impatience
Anger
And ultimately
Misery.
I curl up in a corner
Where no light can find me,
-Dark
I sigh
My sigh airy like the wispy wind that flutters unnoticing past me
And then I open up my bag of memories
And watch past smile mournfully from within
And uncurling each memory
Of dreams left hanging on stars of myths
Of broken worlds shattered by reality
Of emotions suffocating my heart
And the corner becomes darker
The light becomes more distant
The exit looms in a far corner
Wondering when I’ll ever see it
The moon stops visiting me
The sun stops glaring
The stars stop shining
And just like that, another day ends
Only to be replaced by another
Dreadful
Day.
My eyes dully open
Life seems a little more brighter today
My mind wishes to explore the reason
But my past is too heavy
And my limbs are too tired
Of carrying me across life
But then a voice is heard
Distant, at first
My eyes search for the source,
Trying to find a silhouette of a person across the shores
Of life, but there’s no one
I sigh, closing my eyes again,
This time, no more tears rain
As I realise I’m let down again
But there-
That voice again!
I get up
To see a woman clad in grey
Silvery hair curling down her spine
Brown eyes crinkled in a smile
An extended hand, a knowing look
Standing still, while the world shook
And then I know it,
I’ll heal, slowly, bit by bit,
I’ll take in the light, little by little,
I’ll return to the sky, to the stars, and I know I’ll be brittle
And I know I’ll fall again
But they know when she falls,
She will rise again
She will be the phoenix she made in herself
And they know hope helped her return to the sky,
And they know she has a bit of hope within that lets her fly,
And they know no matter how hard they try,
She’ll always rise
Because hope is infinite.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi there,rida! These were two interesting poems. I've put my comments on the first and second poems' language and structure separately below.
#1
Poem #1 seems to be a lament about suffering in life. It creates a mood of sadness, but in a contemplative tone that uses some interesting techniques, especially comparisons between images.
Language
My favourite thing about this poem is the use of juxtaposition. For instance, the comparison between the "tiny pea" and "vast canvas of the universe" is effective because of the specificity. A pea is such a small vegetable, and a literal canvas already engulfs it, so when you use this as analogous to the world and the universe it makes the difference in size easier for the reader to imagine.
I also think "witches" and "dragons" make an interesting contrast. I think it's because the former are human and the latter something more supernatural? The possible reference to witches being unjustly tried and executed whereas bigger "dragons" get away with things also makes this image relevant and apt for that particular stanza's message.
I thought this section read a bit awkwardly because of how "can" is matched with "does". I'm not sure if this makes sense but maybe compare the stanza right before this one, where the lines go "can hold infinite questions . . . why can't it . . . ". The use of can vs. cannot just seems to tie that stanza together. So I'd suggest changing "does it never seem to" to something like "Then why can't it// kill the endless dragons".
I did enjoy the word play between "never" and "forever" in stanza 5! I get the contrast between "rise" and "fall" there as well.
Structure
There's a lot of repeated structures in this poem that help to frame the subject and also create the mood of sadness, as if the speaker is ruminating over something. Each stanza asks a question with the pattern "If this world . . . then why (not/can't/ etc.) . . .?". I think that emphasises the sense of lament, as if the speaker is wondering why there - must - be so much suffering in the world.
Something interesting to try might be to use techniques other than line breaks to create rhythm. For example, sound devices like alliteration can help make a phrase stand out. Alliteration is where you use series of words beginning with the same sound/letter, such as in the quotation below "poisoning . . . principles". Another device I've put in there is consonance, which is where a sound, such as [s] is repeated throughout a line.
#2
This second one seems to be about how the speaker finds hope. The figure of hope is personified as a woman towards the final stanzas. Before they can reach her though, the speaker seems to struggle for a long, long time.
Language
My favourite lines from this one were:
I like the use of "uncurling" for memories, because they make something kind of abstract seem more tangible, almost like the memories are pieces of paper being unfolded or something. Then the next line has a really whimsical image "stars of myths", which are "left hanging", creating a sense of melancholy or maybe lost innocence for me.
I also thought it was interesting how the woman "clad in grey" is also associated with phoenix imagery in "the phoenix she made in herself". Grey usually has connotations with the cold or the lukewarm, whereas phoenixes tend to be associated with heat. I wonder if that was intentional, to make a sort of contrast within the idea of hope.
Structure
Something cool to try in this poem could be to vary the tone a bit more in the stanzas when the speaker is trapped in their despair. In poetry, we often want to say as much as possible with as few words as possible -- but I know it can be hard to delete a stanza that just seems to flow together with the rest of the poem! An alternative that I would do personally is to edit stanzas that seem to make the same point. For example, in this part:
The two stanzas seem to convey the same message, namely that the speaker is weary and in despair. What could help give the piece more depth and nuance would be to change one of these stanzas to say something different that still supports the overall idea. Maybe one stanza could be about days being repetitive, while the next could be about days being frightening or bad in a way that contrasts with what feels bad about monotony. I hope that makes sense!
The end or beginning of a stanza is a great place to shift the tone or play with the narrative of a poem, and working with that could really take your poetry to the next level.
That's all
Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!
Cheers,
-Lim
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE AMAZING REVIEW!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE AMAZING REVIEW!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're very welcome, rida! <3
These two poems are truly a work of art, it flows majestically well and its just....perfect. I just adore it so much!!!!! Probably my most favorite line in the first one is this;
If this world
Can write fairy tales with happy endings,
Why won’t it bother
To turn them into reality?
This is really impactful (well to me at least). I loved the idea of how you sort of juxtaposed fairy tales with happy endings to the real world, it just works so well together!! Your ideas are truly incredible and artistic. I loved your use of repetition at the very start;
The how can a heart
Feel so much,
Break so much,
Suffer so much
In only this tiny pea?
This is really an impactful statement, something I relate to very well regarding heartbreak. Perhaps by using more figurative language such as metaphors and similes, I believe it will greatly enhance this poem. Summing up, it was a very beautiful poem, I enjoyed reading it, thank you for sharing this!
Now the second poem, first of all, I love the title, "Hope is Infinite". This hooks your audience in very well.
"Of emotions suffocating my heart"
This line is probably my favorite to be honest, you have personified "emotions" and brought out more emphasis into it by stating that the emotions are suffocating my heart, really strong use of emotive language, well done!
The last sentence really sums up your moral of the poem, "Because hope is infinite". You have used many amazing personifications throughout out poem 2 and perhaps if you added these language features into poem one, I think it will make it a whole lot better.
Honestly though, amazing job, left me in awe at the end. Keep up the brilliant work, Fabulous job! Well done!
P.S: You do have one or two typos in your first poem so you might wanna check onto that:)
Thank you so much for the review! ^_^
Both of these poems are really beautiful and like the reviewer, before I said, the second one was really emotional.
Firstly, I loved the questions that are written in the first poem and the repetition that you have used. My favourite line was
because something about having the two words 'science' and 'change' really highlights humanity's identity, what we are capable of and what we dismiss.
However, could you avoid using capital letters at the start of some of the lines? Since it has a fairly simple structure, I think that doing this would add more variation. Additionally, with the stanza:
could you replace 'bother' with something more suitable and passionate even? Maybe you could add a metaphor or some imagery to describe the Earth here: 'Why won't it shift oceans and pull up mountains, to turn them into reality.' This is just an example of course.
The second poem was really good and full of beauty.
This line was gorgeous! It gives that sense of insanity and how abstract dreams and imagination are, belonging only to untouchable stars. I also like the repetition you have used in some stanzas where you have repeated 'the' or 'she'.
I really enjoyed reading these poems and keep writing!
Thank you so much for the very helpful review! ^_^ I%u2019ll try to improve the first one.
No problem
ok first... Hi👋👋👋
Second did you put 2 poems in the same post because you didnt have enough points to post them both separate, if so, thats brilliant. No offense to anyone but sometimes I just want feedback on my work only. So maybe I'll try this😂
I liked Hope Is Infinite more than ... If This World Could. I would go into detail on both but I really have dont want to waste your time with a super long review.
I can tell that you took you time with these. The word usage and structures are very strong. The first poem did feel a bit long and dry (to me) I was waiting for that one line to truly engulf me, the third paragraph came really close though. It just felt like you contained yourself and I was expecting just... More... I dont know how else to put it.
Hope Is Infinite I truly felt the emotion of this woman. The writing paints a vivid picture paragraph six fully hooks me, just the word "Day", on its own, you can feel the dread and depressing, it was like it came from the pit of the character's stomach, like a rock falling in a deep dark well.
I say this all the time, with poetry its hard to truly say what is and isnt good/great. Its really up to the reader I guess thats for all art, its up to the viewer. As long as your point comes across and your satisfied thats all that matters.
I enjoyed both poems. Really Really Great Work. Keep Writing😁😁😁😁
Thank you so much for the review! ^_^ I%u2019ll try to improve the first poem. Yes, I didn%u2019t have enough points and didn%u2019t want to spend all my points in one poem .