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Snow White

by rida


Stranded, alone, dark in the woods. 
Mysterious figure with a dark hood

I saw a figure dart,     
Well then let her know    
I ain’t those princesses sweet as apple tart

Silence, shh! Don’t make a sound, creep low   
I won’t waste my time singing to a doe,

Wants my heart in a box,              
Then take out the frilly dress          
and cut those golden locks

I won’t be saved by a ‘true love’s kiss’          
Let’s hope she knows whom she’s dealing with 

‘Cause I’m stranded, alone      
dark in the woods     
Misunderstood


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Sun Sep 20, 2020 3:52 am
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Tuckster wrote a review...



Hi there Rida! I'm Tuck, and I'm here to leave you with some of my thoughts on this poem today :)

I enjoyed this somewhat-dark take on the familiar fairytale of Snow White! It was a new and interesting perspective, and I think you did a great job of using specific nouns and verbs to drive home the themes of darkness, loneliness, and independence. I also liked the way you ended the poem by bringing out the underlying emotion that's been implied throughout the poem, but never outright stated. It was powerful, carried a sense of finality, and was syllabically appropriate.

One suggestion I have for how you could improve this poem is to include some more poetic elements, like simile, metaphor, personification, imagery, etc. That is one of the ways that you can show the reader through description rather than stating facts outright. As Emily Dickinson said, "Tell all the truth but tell it slant". While your message and themes are clear, they're not "slanted" in such a way that a reader is able to gather the meaning through a series of poetic devices. Currently, your poem is very straightforward, which makes it less engaging for the reader.

Another suggestion is to increase the rhythm and flow of your poem by having more of a structure to your line length and stanza length. Right now, not only are your stanzas inconsistent, but there's not much of a rhythm or flow to each of your lines. While you don't need to be completely consistent in your line length or exactly follow an established pattern, some more structure would help this poem flow better and contribute to a more poetic feeling, if you will.

I hope that some of these suggestions were helpful to you! Overall, the themes and ideas you express in this poem are strong, but I would like to see you expand on these ideas by incorporating some more poetic devices and introducing some poetic structure. That would lend your poem some strength and drive home some of these themes that you begin to play with in this story in a more powerful and impactful way. Please don't hesitate to reach out with any questions or concerns!

Best,
Tuck




rida says...


Thank you so much! I will try to improve it, it%u2019s my first poem which I published here, so I%u2019m not as good in these things, thank you for your advice!



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Sat Sep 19, 2020 3:09 pm
rida says...



I will finalise it and send it again




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Sat Sep 19, 2020 3:08 pm
rida says...



Thank you for the valuable suggestion, I will make sure to implement it in my future poems




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Sat Sep 19, 2020 11:04 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey there Rida, I'm Lee, and here to review your short poem!

Welcome to the site, by the way. I hope you like it here!

So, the title caught my eye, especially because this is a poem; with the short description you wrote, I was quite intrigued. You've written the poem itself fairly well, and I can see your skills in poetry.

However, I don't think this is the final version. It's nice, but feels incomplete. I would say it's still a draft. Let me point suggest how it can be improved.

One thing is that the description does not match the poem properly. I was expecting Snow White to be a strong-willed character in this, but there was almost nothing that really made her stand out. "I ain’t those princesses sweet as apple tart", "I won’t be saved by a ‘true love’s kiss’ ;" these are the only lines which suggest she's "fearless" and "brave."
Clearly you also see singing to a doe as something... silly. I don't see why she can't be "fearless" if she decides to do so.

Mysterious figure with a dark hood

This is a disconnected line, just floating around, largely there for a rhyme.

I saw a figure dart,
Well then let her know

How does the narrator know it's a her?

Wants my heart in a box,
Then take out the frilly dress
and cut those golden locks

I'm not an expert on these things, but who are you talking about? What was the point of a "frilly dress" being mentioned, and "golden locks?" If they're irrelevant to the poem, cut them out.

Let’s hope she knows whom she’s dealing with

"Who," not "whom."

I won’t be saved by a ‘true love’s kiss’

Logically speaking, no one is going to randomly state/think that out of the blue. Even Snow White. Since this is a narrative poem, she can't know a thing about a "true love's kiss."

Let’s hope she knows whom she’s dealing with

‘Cause I’m stranded, alone
dark in the woods
Misunderstood

The mysterious "she" will know who she's dealing with because Snow White is stranded and alone in the dark woods, and is misunderstood? And who is she even misunderstood by? What is happening?

Like I said. You've chosen a very interesting topic, but your execution isn't as good as it could have been. The fact that Snow White is lost in dark woods does not make me think she's "fearless" and "brave," it just adds to the actual story of her being lost in a forest and hunted.
Anyway, I wouldn't mind reading any follow-up poems you write on this. But keep in mind that there's a lot of scope for improvement here.

- Lee




rida says...


About the %u2018her%u2019 in the poem, well, it refers to the %u2018evil queen%u2019 in the story



rida says...


And thank you so much for telling me my mistakes in the poem, I will publish a better, and improvised version of this poem.



LittleLee says...


You're welcome! :)



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Sat Sep 19, 2020 9:03 am
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MoonIris wrote a review...



Hi Rida,
I’m here with a review. This is a lovely poem and it shows a different version of Snow White who isn’t a scared damsel in distress. She is strong and not scared. You don’t have grammar mistakes so congrats.
Something that I found confusing is how the story is told.
“ I saw a figure dart,
Well then let her know
I ain’t those princesses sweet as apple tart”
Here, in the first two lines, you think that somebody will tell her something but in the third line, we have the idea that it’s a monolog. Which one is it? It’s a little confusing. Have a look at that.

This is all for my review. I hope it helped,
MoonIris.




rida says...


Well, she is telling this to the evil queen, she saw a figure dart and had an idea that her stepmother sent someone to kill her, so she said that she isn%u2019t one of the princesses who are sweet and not brave.... hope it helps you to understand the poem better, and I will publish a better version of this once I get enough replies.



rida says...


Sorry MoonIris, I meant points, as I%u2019m new and I used my 200 points to publish this poem.



MoonIris says...


No need to apologize. I'll be glad to read your new version.



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Sat Sep 19, 2020 8:56 am
rida says...



Umm, I tried it but it’s still showing ‘misun’




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Sat Sep 19, 2020 7:04 am
rida says...



Sorry, but the last line in the poem is ‘misunderstood’ I wrote it but I don’t know why it didn’t show......




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Sat Sep 19, 2020 7:04 am
rida says...



Sorry, but the last line in the poem is ‘misunderstood’ I wrote it but I don’t know why it didn’t show......




Hkumar says...


There's an 'Edit Work' option under Tool bar in the right corner just below the 'Share on Twitter' option. You can make the changes and save it :)




When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
— Eric Hoffer