Typo Alley~J Part Two

July 29, 2015
Novel / Chapter: Fantasy, Action / Adventure
4 comments (4 reviews)

"What do you think we should do about that guard?" Wold asks.

It is the next day and are on our afternoon walk. The thane is decent enough to let us walk around a little every afternoon. We only have five more minutes. We are fortunate to have guards who don't mind if we talk.

I shrug. "I think he just is toying with us." She continues. "I don't see how we can uncover any more facts about him. He is probably just playing with us. What he could give us that the guards wouldn't notice. They would take away any possessions as soon as they spotted them."

"I have a hunch about who he is, but I can't exactly place it. His voice seemed like it was awfully familiar. But there are only a few people we have met along the way. I also have a feeling that he wasn't really teasing. He seems like a comical person, but he wouldn't lie to us. Everything is one big joke, but it is a consistent joke. . . . I am not making any sense am I?"

"No, not really," RP replies. "Then again I am not sure that you ever do."

Wold gives him a long-suffering look. "I didn't ask for that. Only if I am making sense right now."

"I know. I just thought I would add a little bit of humor into the fray."

"That didn't really sound like it was meant to be funny to me," I retort.

"Each to his own," RP replies. I simply roll my eyes. Is he being even more annoying than usual?

"I am being serious, RP. If he really has something that will help us. . . . I think he left us some clues. We just have to look for them."

"What do you think he could give us?" RP asks.

"He is a new guard," I add. "He isn't going to pull any strings to help us."

Wold nods, considering my point. She opens her mouth as if she wants to say something, but immediately closes it. I raise my eyebrows.

"I don't know. It is just a feeling I have. I can't exactly explain it. I don't know. . . ."

"You are going to have to prove it to me," RP says. "I don't believe in hunches."

"I wish I could give you an explanation, but I don't have one. Just forget I said anything about it."

As if judging that now is a good time to interrupt our conversation, one of the guards calls us back into the dismal dungeon. I groan and make a face. It feels so good to be out in the sunshine! I don't want to go back into the dungeon.

"Thank goodness!" RP exclaims. I hate being in the sunlight. I think that I was beginning to get a tan."

I frown is he trying to be sarcastic or is he serious. I know that dwarves often prefer to be underground, but the part about getting a tan seems to indicate that he is kidding. I can never figure RP out. Sometimes I wonder if I know anything about the real RP. He's always irritable, and sometimes a little overbearing, but he never seems to show any emotion other than emotion or superiority. I wonder if people are actually evil like that in their heart. Or is it the other way around.

"You coming, elf?" the other guard asks with his spear extended at a threatening thirty degree angle.

I nod and walk slowly back into the dungeon, deep in thought. The path back to the dungeon somehow seems very interesting, even though it is rather ordinary, because the extreme monotony of the dungeon. On the way there I catch a glimpse of that strange guard from the previous day. I'm pretty sure that's the same one. If it isn't they must be twins. I chuckle at the prospect. That's totally ridiculous

"No more talking," the guard who remains behind orders when we are sitting back in the cell."

"You planning a well deserved mid afternoon nap?" RP teases. The man glares back at RP.

"You know us too well," he commented grumpily.

RP chuckles at his minor success. All of the guards are the same way, I've found. All of them have been lazy, it seems . . . not counting that strange yesterday. He's an odd one.

"No wonder I was able to handle all of you singlehandedly the other day," RP continued, following up on his success.

"You watch your language," the guards warns, "or else you won't have a brain to think with."

"Hah! I'm sure I could handle you if it weren't for these bars, and all the other guards in the area."

"RP, I think you should give it up. Insulting guards is not going to get us out of this prison." Wold interjects.

I nod, absentmindedly, in agreement. I feel that there is something I need to do, but I don't know what it is. The sensation nags at me. I try to ignore the distraction, but it captivates my thoughts. It wrestles with my mind, but I throw it off.

"Are you okay, Racen," I look up sharply. Who said that? Was that really RP? "Racen?"

"Yes, yes, I am fine. Don't worry. I was just thinking of how lovely being out in the sun was."

He grunts. To anyone else it would've sounded like a rebuttal, by I know better. I quickly dismiss any further unwanted thoughts, but not without a twinge of regret. It annoys me that I hat to return into this dismal prison for criminals, especially because I am innocent and RP was the one who brought me into this miserable place.

"I'm as well as anyone can be in this miserable place," I add. Another grunt.

An awkward silence falls over the dungeon. It's so quiet enough for me to hear the birds singing a hundred feet away. I don't know what kind of birds they are, seeing as I haven't studied birds much, but I'm sure that they are the only happy things in sight.

My thoughts soon turn back to that nagging part of my brain. If only I knew what I'm supposed to do. Perhaps it has to do with the guard. He never did give us his name, did he? A breeze blows through the window, bringing a refreshing aspect to the dungeon. It temporarily lessens the humidity. If only that wind would last, too.

I stand up suddenly. That's it! A smile creases across my face. I know who that guard is. Now that the revelation comes it seems so obvious. RP and Wold glance at me, their faces painted with question marks.

"What's the matter?" Wold asks, looking up at me from her comfortable position on the ground.

"I know who that guard is. I've had a weird feeling about him the entire time. I just couldn't ascertain what it was trying to say."

"Well, who is it?" RP growls in typical fashion.

"Wet. He has a comical air about him. He seems to be the type of person that would go in and steal from someone while cracking a joke." RP raises a half disbelieving eyebrow. "It was what came to mind. I don't know why it just seemed to fit. He is the type of person to play with people before carrying out his plan."

"I don't think so. If he were coming to save us he wouldn't be so open about it. He would sneak in and get us out right away. . . ." RP trails off and then adds, "He might charge us for it though."

"He wouldn't charge us—I'm sure—though it seems much more logical for him to come in under cover of darkness and get us out of here than tease us before escaping, simultaneously." Wold pauses and thinks before opening her mouth as if to speak and then closes it again.

"I don't know what he is up to. But I am sure it's Wet. That's the only reason I can think for him acting so strangely. But it is also strangely in character with him. I suppose we will learn more later."

I shrug and slouch back down onto the floor. One of the guards turns over in his sleep and mumbles for us to be quiet. I wonder why they increased the number of guards. Before there was only one of them.

The second guard is still awake. He barks at us to be quiet and let him sleep. We refrain from making any further comments so we won't land ourselves in trouble, but inside I am sure all of our hearts are leaping. I feel the urge to move around the cell and do something. The prospect of freedom is enough to make me traverse the entire continent. Instead I have to settle for twiddling my thumbs and tapping my feet softly on the dungeon floor so the guards won't hear me.

Remembering to breathe, I pump my lungs with air and try to calm down. If the guards sense that anything is awry they will most likely send me in for interrogation. I shiver inadvertently. As much as I don't like it, I feel a little sorry for the pain RP has to undergo. His example is enough to keep me calm.

The remainder of the afternoon passes by quietly without incident. I sneak in a nap while the guards are asleep. When I wake up I feel quite refreshed. My heart rate has also slowed, though the longing for freedom causes my head to swim. A few minutes later Wet walks into the dungeon.

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Sun Sep 27, 2015 6:56 am

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Deanie wrote a review...

Hello r4p17!

#NaRevWriMo and happy review day!

I am back to continue reading your novel and it is all my apologies for it taking me so long. I am going to read the latest chapters and catch up with everything that has been happening so far! I have to say, we are definitely building towards them hopefully escaping. I love that RP and Racen, now that they are trapped in a cell together are starting to get along a little bit better. I mean, better than they have done in a while. It reminds me of when we set kids in a naughty chair together when they have been bad and usually by the end of five minutes they are friends and playing again. I'm almost seeing the prison like that but for a longer period of time. As well as this, I do like how they are trying to figure out who the guard is that has been helping them out a bit.

I think SpiritedWolfe has done an AHMAZING job with the review below so mine is mostly going to be centered on nitpicks because the majority of plot points have already been covered. But there were a few things I wanted to mention.

It was pretty hard for me that after all that walking and talking, they went into the jail cell and then the guard was like 'no talking'. I mean, seriously? What would it matter if he let them talk then or before? If they had already been talking the whole time outside there pretty much was no point of stopping them from doing so now. Either they should never be talking or he should simply tell them to quite down. Also, when they are walking I would expect a guard to generally be nearby. The writing made them sound that they can walk as far as they want (and possibly escape) before having to return to the guards. But if a guard was always with them it would make it so much harder for them to discuss things about the strange guard and also their escape. Which means we would have to have the characters make up crazy scenarios to distract the guards and so on - which in my opinion could be a fun addition to the story?

I like how you ended the chapter with Wet walking into the dungeon. But I do think you could make it a bit more suspenseful and cliffhanger-y so that the reader is definitely drawn to flipping that page and turning to the next chapter (referring to when this is a complete and published book, of course ).

You have this right now: A few minutes later Wet walks into the dungeon. But it seems kind of thrown in there and sudden. How about something like this?

But my thoughts stilled when I heard the sound of something heavy clomping down the hallway to the dungeon. Two chunky leather boots stepped into the light and then the owner was revealed to us.

Wet.

What I did was make it so that the sound of something heavy and clomping could potentially be something dangerous more so than good, which makes the reader anticipate it being the later. The suspense starts to raise as we know something substantial is going to be happening. By first bringing the boots into the light instead of his face and identifying features they still don't know who it is. And then I finally put Wet's name as its own paragraph and sentence so that it has a bigger impact. Hopefully, that will have intrigued the readers to read more. Try building that suspense with the ends of some of your future chapters as well, and it will add even more to this already brilliant story!

Okay, it's time for me to do what I said I would and focus on some nitpicks.

"I think he just is toying with us." She continues. "I don't see how we can uncover any more facts about him. He is probably just playing with us. What he could give us that the guards wouldn't notice.

With the two lines 'I think he is just toying with us' and 'he is probably just playing with us' you are repeating the same thing twice unnecessarily. I liked how you opened up the speech with the toying line, so I would probably cut the other one? Also, the last sentence has a bit of a messed up word order, as the second and third word need to switch for it to make sense. Oh, and don't forget to add that question mark at the end of the question!

"Thank goodness!" RP exclaims. I hate being in the sunlight. I think that I was beginning to get a tan."

A tiny thing here, but you didn't put the opening speech marks for the second time he starts to speak!

I frown is he trying to be sarcastic or is he serious.

I feel like there needs to be a full stop after the second sentence in this line, so that it drives home the point that she is feeling something is off about his actions. And when reading it it simply feels like one needs to be there. Also, that would make the second part of this sentence a question, which means it needs a question mark there!

but he never seems to show any emotion other than emotion or superiority.

Never showed any emotion other than emotion? Ah, I think that was a little mistake. I think you need to cut those three extra words after 'other'.

because the extreme monotony of the dungeon.

I think you are missing the word 'of' after because.

If it isn't they must be twins. I chuckle at the prospect. That's totally ridiculous

Tiny thing, but there is no full stop at the end of that last sentence there. I pulled out more from the text so it will be easier for you to find.

"No more talking," the guard who remains behind orders when we are sitting back in the cell."

No need for that speech mark at the end there, because nothing is being said.

"Are you okay, Racen,"

Eep, I have noticed that you are missing quite a few question marks for questions like this one! Make sure you keep an extra eye open for those before posting.

It annoys me that I hat to return to this dismal prison.

*had

It's so quiet enough for me to hear the birds singing a hundred feet away.

There are two things you can do for this sentence. Either take away the 'so' in it, or put a comma after the word 'quiet'. It's up to you because either way works!

Okay, that's all the nitpicks I have for this chapter. I can see that you sneakily combined two chapters into one in the next part, so I am going to go and read that right now. Loved the progression here and looking forward to knowing what Wet is going to do now

Deanie x

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Thu Sep 10, 2015 9:12 am

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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hey, R4! I'm here again and I'll jump right into it ^^ ~ Starting with some quick nitpicks.
Quick note, however: I am rather tired and on a phone, so please excuse any typos or nonsensical ramblings. :3

RP the Dwarf wrote:"Each to his own..."

First things first, the correct idiom in this sense is "to each his own". This phrase is normally not recognized as another form of the idiom (I looked it up ~) and since more people are more familiar with the idiom -- which is what I assume you're going for -- it reads really awkwardly. And please don't say you meant that, because it just juts out at the reader and doesn't work well with the area >.<

A guard wrote:"You know us too well..."

Alright, I can see what you're going for. The guards are lazy, they don't like these prisoners and just want to lounge around all day. However, what kind of guard would admit to this? Guards are supposed to be professional and scary and tough and not big fat lazy tushes who just lounge around all day. They can do that, but they have to at least act like they're intimidating and no just admit, "Yeah, I want to nap." They need to feign authority and the ability to punish them!

Another guard wrote:"You watch your language..."

This is definitely not the right word phrasing to use here, because RP is not saying something vulgar or anything. I recommend to replace it with something like, "Watch yourself." to give the guards more of an edge.

Okay, two things about the guards. First thing, they seem to talk "in a group". Most of the dialogue tags they have say "say the guards" with the s. I really doubt they all talk simultaneously like robots programmed to speak at the exact moment. Second, these guards are really not at all intimidating. They're not even very pliable characters. The dialogue they have is very stiff and flat and all they ever do is sleep. Give them some depth, add some emotion and malice, some threatening tones to their dialogue so that the prisoners have a reason to be weary.

Speaking of which, so far I have seen no reason (aside from that one torture scene briefly mentioned) for these characters to be scared, which they should be. They should be quaking in their boots, anticipating what will be done with them. What will happen? This dungeon just seems like a joke, and while I can understand discomfort at this point of just being trapped underground, the tense atmosphere was lost.

With joke prison in mind: Afternoon walk? Really? This guys does like torture and stuff but he lets his prisoners get up and walk around?? (I can just see him on a commercial for humane torture or whatever: "While you beat your prisoners, make sure they walk everyday! Physical activity is important!

") This just doesn't seem realistic to me. Why in the world would he ever think about letting them walk around anywhere? What does he have to gain for doing this? To me it just seems pointless.

Now, when they were out walking, there was lots of talking. Well, there was lots of talking throughout (which should really be cut down upon, because whoa), but this trip especially. And their main point of discussion was this new guard, who I thought was the author because of his comment I'm the creator of the place (OKAY RACEN. I don't even remember Wet like at all. ._.). It seems a bit odd that Wold is jumping to some serious conclusions.

First, is Wold still talking through the fourth paragraph? Because she basically just contradicts what she just said moments ago. She thinks they know him, but he won't actually help them. What? Normally when you've met someone earlier and they come back, they come to help you. Just saying >.> But there's no tag and just a giant chunk of dialogue.

But anyway, she seems to talk about "what should we do/think about the guard"? That seems like a pretty obvious "should we trust him?" and now I'm thinking "trust him what?". It doesn't make much sense to me. How do they know just because he's different that he'll help? (Now, I know I just said it'd be obvious because they know him, but they don't know they know him and Wold was trying to ask if they should trust him, but she knows him. Here, I am assuming Wold is mistaken.) Also, how does help equate to giving them something? I meant if he's a guard, he bound to har a key or something and get them out himself...

Now onto narration: there is not enough of it and what is there feels like a filler for more dialogue. Uh, that's really not how it should feel. The main story is in Racen's head the entire time. We should feel her emotions and reactions first over everything else. If I stop at one point in the story and ask myself, "How is Racen feeling right now? What are her thoughts on the situation?" I should be able to answer without even thinking. At this point, we hardly ever get to see her thoughts, and even then it's the occasional vague line that flows choppy and doesn't seem to fit. Really infuse the narration with Racen's character.

For instance, take the second paragraph.

Line by line: "It is the next day and we are on our afternoon walk." (The red has been added because it was missing before and it flows so much better with it.)
How does Racen feel about this? I have no idea. It's cut and dry and doesn't really tell us anything, or show us anything. Where is she walking? Is it pretty? How's the weather feel?

Next line: "The thane is decent enough to let us walk around a little every afternoon."
How does Racen feel about this? I can see a little bit of gladness, with the words "decent enough", but still don't feel much, and that's mostly because this line is so rigid on its own, that's not much your fault. (Though it is a little wordy and straight forward. You could probably replace it with something like, "Thank goodness the thane lets us out each day, even if it's just a little." or "He has the "decency" to let us out everyday? And tease us with the prospect of freedom we can't have?" Just that little extra ~oomph~ that makes the voice of the narrator.)

Next line: "We only have five more minutes."
How does Racen feel about this? I don't know. Cut and dry once again, and super plain to. Paired up with the next line, it doesn't flow right in between and seems choppy.

Next line: "We are fortunate to have guards who don't mind if we talk"
How does Racen feel about this? I can see a glimpse of she's grateful, with the use of fortunate. But everything else still seems rigid and without voice. It just sounds like a monotone in my head. Even to you were going for something like a deadened voice, something like "Outside. Dreadful. Oh? We're even aloud to talk? Great." I think you get the point now ^^

Final thing before I wrap this up is there was a lot of repetition of phrases that were used in such close vicinity that it threw me off. The first things I can think of are "miserable place", "take you on", and "dungeon" so be careful of that and switch up words every now and then.

Sorry if I sounded harsh! This wasn't one of the best of your chapters, but you'll get back into the swing of things soon ~ I hope to be at the next part by tomorrow! ^^

Happy writing,
~ Wolfe

Deanie says...

Oh, what a wonderful review this is...

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Tue Sep 01, 2015 3:29 pm

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artybirdy wrote a review...

Hiya! I’m here to review.

I haven’t read the first chapter and, therefore, this review will only be based on this one.

It is the next day and are on our afternoon walk. The thane is decent enough to let us walk around a little every afternoon. We only have five more minutes. We are fortunate to have guards who don't mind if we talk.

In the first sentence, you’re missing “we” before “are”, and you can connect the last two sentences together so it doesn’t sound “bumpy” when we read it and flows. In addition, you could establish the scene, the surroundings. There are barely any descriptions about where they were and that’s why I was slightly confused.

I hope that, in the earlier chapters, you have mentioned how these friends (I’m assuming) ended up in the dungeon. Are they captured because they are dwarves and elves? And, Wold, what creature is she? Is RP the dwarf’s real name? If so, what does it stand for?

All of them have been lazy, it seems . . . not counting that strange yesterday.

You’re missing “one” after “strange”.

I found it odd that the guards were not told off for sleeping on their duties. That makes it so much easier for their prisoners to escape and I felt that it was for plot convenience. Overall impressions are good. I did spot some spelling and grammatical errors, along with few missing words, but it’s nothing a quick edit can’t fix. It’s neat and tidy and I can easily follow the story.

Well done, and keep writing!

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Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:42 am

Kelpies wrote a review...

Hello r4!

Congratulations! I found absolutely nothing wrong with this chapter, no typos, nothing with the quotation marks, nothing wrong here. ~~not that I'm very good at finding them anyways...~~ I really like what's going on with the storyline, even though not much action happens in this chapter, we really get to know the characters better, even just a little bit. Well, that's my opinion. Now I'm going to go to your next chapter, see you around!

~Kelpies.

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Typo Alley~J Part Two

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