Not much can be said
of a crush that I have.
It comes and it goes,
but It should be known.
True feelings can confuse,
ones heart they consume,
but if a chance is given,
then all will be known.
If you should say no,
as many have before,
I ask only one thing,
a friendship still remains.
So now the question,
one that has always been.
Will you, on this day,
give your heart as Valentine.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
Hmm....This is really good. I think it should be a bit longer though. Keep up the good work.
-Rick
Everybody pretty much covered what I wanted to say. It's okay, but sort of vague, I think.
--Seree.
I liked this a lot, but it could use some work. You might want to check where your commas go though. And add more beat or feeling into it.
Overall I could sense the beat/feel of it too.
ST
I actually think you sould make it rime, that would be a bit nicer
but it is nice, I admit,
The last paragraph is veryvery nice, but if there was a rime anyone could be your valentine...
but the idea is preety nice...
I liked it, but there are things to improve...
I hope this is usefull...
bye...
Not much can be said
of a crush that I have.
It comes and it goes,
but It should be known.
True feelings can confuse,
ones heart they consume,
but if a chance is given,
then all will be known. - Nice repetition.
If you should say no,
as many have before,
I ask only one thing,
a friendship still remains. - Shouldn't you put a question mark?
So now the question,
one that has always been.
Will you, on this day,
give your heart as Valentine. - Again, use a question mark =)
Ah.. you could have written this better, but its alrightt as is. The flow is a little off, so I would recommend you read it aloud to see what's going on there. And don't forget proper punctuation so the reader can understand what the speaker is REALLY saying. =) You're a good writer. Keep at it!
I LIKED IT, IT REALLY CAUGHT MY ATTENTION EVEN THOUGH YOU COULD WORK ON YOUR PUNCTUATION.
Why is the "I" capitalized here? If it was intentionally done to give it a sacred air, then I would suggest not doing so in this context, because it's only referred to as such once, and makes it seems less polished.
Okay, that line is really awkward. Try rephrasing it a little. E.g. "That a friendship remain", or "As friends we'll remain".
I find the first two lines to not have quite as much flow either. Maybe try something along the lines of "So here comes the question, that always has been," or whatever else. This could just be me, but I think it sounds better to say "always has been" rather than "has always". The last line seems a little out of place as well, in terms of beats and such. And there should probably be a question mark there instead of a period.
Other than that, it was a really good poem. Excellent job; keep it up!
A Life Left Behind
At last I am calm,
stressed released from my being.
Thoughts are at rest
and I feel so alone.
Peace at last,
a life left behind.
The tree line above
leaving shadow below.
Light shines through the top
like water through a strainer.
The rays bask my face
in warmth and glory.
I heave a sigh of relief
being able to finally let go.
The airs fresh and clean,
a crisp breeze across my face.
All is quiet,
the world is left for me.
The birds don't sing,
not a bug is buzzing.
The wind would blow,
the leave never rustle.
Nothing around me,
but peace and serenity.
This is the one I LOVED!
*keep rockin'*
-Meg
So what's the name of this "chrush":P
I'm kidding !
Anyway the poem its self is ...well...not bad but not amazing!
The idea is perfect, well wait what am i saying nothing is perfect...Okay it's a good idea.
I enjoyed reading it but it could be SO much better.
I've read one of your other story's (I think it was yours)
And it was really strong!
I was almost in tears!
It was a really wonderful story (if it was yours)
I'm going to find the story again and make sure it was yours:P
Anyway I'm blabbering.
So it wasn't the best to your abilitys!
But i did like the poem.
*keep rockin'*
-Meg:P
Watch out for your punctuation. It is small stuff, but it is important. Mistakes in punctuation can ruin meaning and they just look bad. You didn't do a bad job, but just keep a careful eye out for the small stuff. But congrats otherwise!
Overall, I liked the poem. It was a little sad, and yet hopeful. Nice job. *thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
You read my other poem, she turned me down, hard too.
[quote="piepiemann22"]Not much can be said
of a crush that I have.
It comes and it goes,
but It should be known.
True feelings can confuse,
ones heart they consume,
but if a chance is given,
then all will be known.
If you should say no,
as many have before,
I ask only one thing,
a friendship still remains.
So now the question,
one that has always been.
Will you, on this day,
give your heart as Valentine.[/quote]
Who is this crush your talking about? Make up a name that Rhymes it wpould be neat. That is all I have to say. SimonCowellLuver
Hey, pieman! What's up? Haven't seen you around very much!
My edits are in BOLD.
A simple crush is too... simple. And the second line didn't follow the beat. Read it out loud. I would change it to this:
Not much can be said
about a little crush.
If you use my line, the flow will be smoother.
If you use those corrections, I think it'll work better.
One's heart they consume is a little vague... It just doesn't sound right. I think it's because confuse and consume are so close to each other. And they look the same.
"Then all will come to light"? Eek! Very cliche. How about,
but if a chance is given,
then all will understand.
Insert an 'and' in there.
The last line can be done many ways, and none of them are the way you have it.
'I ask only one thing,
may a friendship still remain?'
OR
'I ask only one thing.
A friendship to remain.'
__
Overall, good poem. I would take those edits and do them, because they will make this poem a lot better. Great job, Pieman! Nice to see you on board again!
BBB
Sorry if I was a bit harsh!