You weep,
you cry,
love is lost,
so now you morn.
The door is shut,
you locked yourself in.
fearing that you hate,
another broken heart.
I found the key,
will you come out.
Give it one last chance,
don't lose hope.
You embrace me,
as I to you.
with me you find
love again for you.
Now the door is open
your heart springs,
we are together
forever now.
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Canary word: Present
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
The problem with this poem--well, one of them, at least--is that you're telling, not showing. Don't tell me that the person the narrator is speaking with has embraced the narrator; show me that they embrace. It's a subtle change, but it makes all the difference. Also, pay attention to your punctuation!
I like this poem better than your other ones, but it could still use some tweaking that makes it better! First of all, proper punctuation can make the difference between a good poem and a mediocre poem. For instance:
I found the key,
will you come out.
You need the question mark after words since question marks well placed are oh-so-awesome.
Also, you'll want to make it a little more complex, I think. Right now, this is a good basis of what you can write of, but I think you can make the images a little richer and make your writing a little more subtle.
Even so, nice improvement!
Just a quick critique on this one I think. Let me see....
The first thing I noticed is that 'morn' should be mourn is you mean to mourn someone's passing. Probably just a typo but thought I'd point it out.
In the second stanza, rather than 'Fearing that you hate' perhaps you should say 'Fearing what you hate; Another broken heart.' Oh and it looks neater if you capitalise the first word of every line. I'd love to know how many time I've said that today...
In the fourth stanza rather than 'As I to you' I think you mean 'As I do you' but even if you didn't, I think it would be more effective. Also I don't like that you've ended two lines with you so close together. Perhaps you should try and re-phrase the second line...
Overall, I feel that some imagery would have made it stronger and it's more narrative than lyric poetry because it tells the story of two lovers. Work on this a little, expand on the story or if you want it to be lyrical, on the emotions behind the story.
Keep writing,
Heather xx