I look upon your glittering eyes,
losing myself in there waves of color.
I see your face, the warmth it holds.
Giving me strength, giving me faith.
We look up at the sky,
the shades mixing as one.
The wind blowing our hair,
the waves spraying our faces.
We walk along the beach,
the sand between our toes.
You giggle, I laugh,
we watch the sun go down.
The sky falls dark,
The stars and moon dancing.
We stare upon its wonder,
believing all we are.
I look at you,
you look at me.
I wont let go, neither will you.
Together forever my love.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Who ever this girl is they are lucky to have a great poet like you. I mean this poem was so romantic that you could tell you really meant everything you wrote. I also like how you paint the picture of you and your gal at the beach at night. Your words are so colorful, and so as long as you keep posting stuff like this I'll keep reading.
Your poem showed some emotions but was more written like an event than a love poem. Hopefully she likes it and if she doesn't...well at least you tried.
Ah, teenage love. What a beautiful thing. But the poem was just...ahh, eww. Too many adjectives.
But don't let it go to waste. Show it to her. If she's a sucker for love poems, she'll like it. But if these events that you stated didn't really happen, and you're just fantasizing, that'd be pretty weird. Or if she's a...female dog, then...you'll probably get slapped. But its all in the name of love, right?
Awww...that's sweet.
I completely disagree with Incan. He's always way to critical. This is not rubbish.
Um..this could really use some work. You're lines were bland I couldn't feel it at all as I was reading. And maybe if you even made them longer...maybe. Also I didn't understand the most of this as noted in Clau's review I was kind of shocked as well when I read the title I was expecting something a little more exciting and "gooy" in the sense, like it would actually have some feeling. But I didn't see any here.
Keep trying!
Vamps right, It is for the girl I like.
No. Just no.
I mean that.
There is a thematic issue that should be addressed which, in editing, will present a challenge far beyond changing a word here, a word there.
Call it quits--give up on this.
Take care,
Brad
is this for emily?
if so tell me monday
Soon-to-be girlfriend? Somebody has plans, eh?
I'm really sick and disoriented and angry right now, and am therefore rendered unable to write a coherent critique. I agree with Clau; this is definitely an improvement. Still, try to be a little more original. This might have been constructed from pieces of Hallmark cards, and, as Clau (well, Snoink) said, a grocery list.
Colleen
I geuss your right. I wrote it for my sone to be girl friend, I think.
won't is a contraction, and so, it needs an appostrofy.
I dare say you are navel gazing, do not forget your reader! When you write poems that involve emotions, and involves the pronoun "I" its very easy to forget the fact that there will be an audience reading.
I'm going to steal something I heard Snoink say once; this is grocery list. "I did this, then she did that. Then we did this."
These two things cause problems for the poem. You want to be poetic (not list things, as you did) and you also want to bring your reader in, make your reader feel the emotions with you, not just read about you feeling the emotions. And really, we don't even get that much of a luxary. We just hear about a day at a beach.
I do commend you for trying something new! This isn't your usual abstract/meaningless work that we see around. But even then, it needs some working. Good luck, as always!