At first I wasn't sure,
I doubt you were either.
I sat there, looking on,
trying to build up my strength.
In the end it payed off,
for the last dance
you gave to me.
The next, there were mixed feelings.
Neither of us knew what to expect.
Your brother watched on,
eyes piercing my sole.
Even so I kept on,
for you,
is where I laid my hopes.
Afterward it was hard.
We had become friends,
you were almost a sister the way we talked.
If I told you how I felt,
I feared that would be over.
Courage got me through,
and to that I am thankful.
At the beginning i had no idea,
that this night would remain with me forever.
Our friends laughed,
but we paid them no heed.
They were only jealous of what we had.
Jealous because they never felt that way.
That dance was for us alone.
I took your hand in mine
trying to stop the trembling.
My heart was beating furiously,
but your eyes seemed to calm me.
You laid you head upon mine,
and then I was sure.
I had nothing to fear.
Slowly I brought my lips to your.
You didn't flinch,
you didn't push me away.
Instead you grabbed me
pulling me closer.
That kiss we shared at that dance
made it a night I will always remember.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I liked the way you had put on the whole story,directly speaking i liked the story but as a lyrical poem i would give you a 5 on 10.
But it was well written.
Nice! Good, engrossing beginning.
Basically, every line with a mistake I'll repeat, and then add a corrected line or commentary below it.
"you gave to me"
"you gave me'
"The next, there were mixed feelings"
The next what? moment? second? Please explain.
"my sole"
"my soul"
"for you,
is where I laid my hopes."
Is the coma supposed to be there? Or...what?
"and to that I am thankful"
"and for that I am thankful"
Weird, unconcluding ending.
Mmmm... what can I say? This was a stretched cliche, something that could have been one passe line, but now lengthened into an entire poem. It was dull (sorry for the directness!) and kind of bland. I can't say it was bad--it was like what I imagine a sequel to War and Peace be, something that is so long and unnecessary, yet is well-written.
But the main problem you have is that it's not original. Period.
(Also, some of the commas were in the wrong places.)
But hey, at least you tried to make a cliche sound good! (Which is nearly impossible!)
Pm me for any q/a!
Beautifully Written.