This is a poem I'm going to use on a project for Social Studies on Ellis Island. I need some help. It's on the Statue of Liberty.
A torch held high,
the signal of freedom.
A book in hand,
the quest for knowledge.
A queen of the country
the beauty of hope.
My dreams of hope,
of freedom,
of knowledge,
have all come true.
This is written in the first person as someone seeing the Statue of Liberty.
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Canary word: Present
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Instead of "of knowlage," it should be "of knowledge." Remember... spell check is your friend!
I don't know... I think that these lines are rather redundant, as far as poetry goes:
This is mostly because, though you describe the statue of liberty, you don't describe your own experiences with freedom, so your life doesn't really connect with the statue.
But maybe your teacher will accept it? Maybe!
Hope that helps.
After editing the last part its lot better .
I definately liked it.
Just one critique to make:
I didn't much like the use of hope twice at the same place in consecutive lines,though the word hope is necessary i mean matches with both the lines.I wish you could put a synonym or something.
Best wishes for your project on social studies.
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I think this is the best poem by you that I've read so far. It's good to see you starting with something real and concrete. Of course, I have some suggestions. I think it would be improved if you made it longer, and gave us more of a sense of who the narrator is, what it means to them to come to America and why. Appeal to our emotions with specific details we can connect to and relate to. At the moment I can't picture the narrator and I don't feel his emotions with him, I don't empathize. Paint a picture here, one worth a thousand words, one that will let us experience something many of us have never felt before.
Keep working on this - you could make it really good. Best of luck on your project![/i]
Same i don't like the last two lines either. Maybe you should say what the dreams are.
The last two lines don't seem to fit to me. Like the way I see it is that you talk about a part of the statue and then describe kinda what it is symbolically, but then you put something about your dreams and that (to me) didn't really seem to go.
I liked how you wrote the poem up to the 7th line.
I... kind of liked it.
As a sentence, this doesn't really make much sense to me...unless there is supposed to be a comma after 'country'? but then the first A should be The too..
I didn't like this. Only because you are saying your dreams have come true; but what are your dreams? No idea.
Its at least got a real subject! Does it have to be that short/in this form? If not, I would suggest trying to make it longer. It's just...really short. I'd try harder to make it about the statue of liberty, your words could be much more powerful than they currently are.