I wrote this poem for my aunt who's in the hospital. The idea for the poem came to me in a dream. In it I saw my Aunt and Uncle dancing under the night sky, so I hope you enjoy it.
The band begins to play,
A song you know to0 well.
You take his arm
As he takes yours,
Beginning to dance under a starry sky.
The songs change one by one,
Though neither seem to care.
As long as he holds you,
Your love will shine
While dancing under a starry sky.
The band rests a moment,
But you two don’t seem to notice.
You continue to move
To a song in your head.
Still dancing under a starry sky.
As your time begins to fade,
You start to cherish every moment.
You look up,
Losing yourself in his eyes.
You stop dancing under a starry sky.
You stand there a moment,
Silence all around,
Then the kiss,
The first kiss,
Under a starry sky.
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,758 Reviews
I'm not an expert on poetry but I loved this.
It seems so real.
Lovely .
I really enjoyed this. I just think there's something very pure about it, and I liked how the story developed. It was really vivid.
I'm not sure about the third and fourth lines of the last stanza. They were weaker than the rest, and didn't really compliment the flow which you had developed. Both of those lines need to be lengthend, I think.
Other than that, this was a really lovely poem.
This was a very nice poem. I think the fact that it had feeling behind it made it even better. I could visualize the scene very well. Nice job on this.
Keep it up!
~Rieda
I like it...and this is my first post-awesome! I also think its really sweet how you wrote it for someone you care about. I like ur flow even though you didn't exactly rhyme. Akward...I never really do. I guess that means your pretty good.
Wow, you were quik, thanks. All and all I think I'll keep the repitition. I see what you're talking about and I'll try to make it work, but it keeps it dramatic in my aunts eyes.
Nice poem. Although you had a typo here:
Should be too.
Also, I noticed that the repetition of "starry sky" didn't work so well. I think it would better suit the poem if you only repeated "starry sky" at the end of the last stanza, because that's the only place where it seemes to fit the flow of the poem.
But all in all it was a good effort, maybe a little work and it could be something better.
MM