(I just realized this was in the wrong forum. Any way, this was the first poem I ever wrote so it's not that good. Just thought i should move it. Even so, I could use all the help you have to offer.)
Darkness shall grow,
binding the heart
and engulfing the soul.
All light shall fade
all hope is lost.
But within the darkness
an endless shadow,
life shall endure.
If the flicker becomes a blaze
free the heart shall be.
But if it fades,
then it shall forever be
cursed by darkness
and shadow.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I have to agree on the mixed up part.
The flow was pretty good, but I think this was cliched. We've all read poems about light amongst darkness and the consequences of sinning, blah blah blah. I think you should express your ideas in a more original way if you don't want this to dwell on a very overused theme. If that makes any sense.
But don't be discouraged by that! For a first poem, this is stunning. I mean, it's better than what I write now...but I won't go there. Suffice to say that my poetry is *gag*
I like the images you create but I'm not exactly clear on what life is. You mention a blaze--is it a fire? A rim of light? You need to explain more.
So overall, this was good. Just try to be more clear and original and you can make this great.
Keep writing,
Ayra
You started off really well, and I thought I was going to really like this. Then you continued and it got a bit confusing and I think you lose your thread a little.
I like the imagery and the intial concept was very interesting, I love your first few lines. I think that by the end the poem has changed meaning, or perhaps I just got too confused to understand hehe.
I would suggest going through this and thinking about what you want it to mean, and how you can convey that in a way that makes sense while still keeping your lovely description.
I think this has great potential, but you need to work over it quite a bit.
Keep it up.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like it
i like the way you described the movements of Darkness, to the point but still holds its mystery. Maybe try a little rhyming? is might help with the emphasis.
Hetz x
Lol... well...
It is definately good, but it gets a little too mixed up. However, I insist, it's pretty good and since it was your first poem, I'd joyfully rate it a 5/5.
Keep it up!
Tessia T.
P.S- Remember how we talked about making a Monologue Contest? Well I did. Check it out because you might as well want to help out or sumbit a monologue.