A fell north wind blows
chilling the air around me,
but nothing can match
the sadness in my heart.
I lose myself
to all sense of time.
I feel nothing,
just the pain I hold.
I await summers kiss,
a blessing to behold,
but only winter's scorn
can be felt by my feet.
He stands next to me,
whispering in my ear.
Voice as cold as night,
"You will die."
So I sit there,
my face in the snow.
I've lost all I wanted,
her kiss will never come.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
In one stanza you used 'hold' at the end of the line, and in the next, you used 'behold' and it was kind of repetetive. But I think everyone else has pointed out some of the things I was going to say. I love the idea behind it, and the rhythm!
I'm going to echo everyone in saying that this was a bit cliche, but I did like it. "You will die" was a little out of context, it seemed, with the rest of the poem, but you have a nice use of metaphors and rhythm.
Nice job. This is a solid poem that I have no arguments with other than that it rings a little old. You have talent. Experiment a little and see what happens.
Best of luck to you,
~GryphonFledgling
I think it is kind of Cliche to me kind of original. It was a good poem but not the best i seen written. But very well put together i must add. Nothing critiquing wise wrong with it it is the poem itself all together. It isn't my thing.
TTYL for now SimonCowellLuver
I have to say that I liked this. Your rhythm wasn't bad, and I liked the way that it was written. The only line that I thought didn't flow at all was "You will die." I don't know...
Overall, it was good. I don't really agree with SHM, and I definitely don't agree that "you don't even know what you're saying yourself".
It was slightly cliche though, but I still think it was good.
Also, I like your signature, piemann... it's kind of similar to mine, actually.
Keep writing!!
Teh Wozzinator
I'm going to have to agree with SHM. I think this poem has a lot of potential in terms of expressing emotion--unrequited love? Love lost? It's fine if you write poetry "as a release." But if it's really that personal, keep it in your journal. If you're presenting poetry to an audience it's generally a bad idea to forget about that audience. Something like this is, as SHM said, tired and repetitive. "Common" was the word he used, which is pretty accurate.
I think the reason he wondered if you understood the poem yourself is that your use of cliches and the like suggests that you didn't write the poem from the heart, but simply strung a bunch of emo-poem, greeting card, and bad fantasy novel sayings together. See most pop music for examples.
-Colleen
It's fine to me if it's common. I do indeed understand what I wrote and who are you to say so? I write poetry as a release and a way to express myself most of the time. I still thank you for reading it though. That's all that matters to me.
OKAY!
I'm not going to pretend that that was of any releavance to me and I doubt if you even understood what you were saying yourself. The pervading images and metaphors were strikingly common- using pathetic fallacy is a technique as old as time and as cliched as history.
I'd like to advise you on how you could perfect this "poem", but I don't have that kind of time.
Best of Luck,
SHM