As I stare across the ocean,
an endless bound.
I ask myself a question
one I have sought.
A purpose to life,
and a reason to death.
The sun goes down upon the ocean.
I gaze at the sun set,
as all it's colors fade.
Blending as one,
to which I smile.
"Beauty is all around us,
even if we do not see it"
I continue to wonder,
with a reason so.
I want an answer
to calm the world.
I look to the sky
to see the stars and moon
the likeness of which,
I had never seen.
I look at the calming ocean,
as the ripples shine in the light.
As I watch I realize
the reason is there.
A ripple is small,
but can become a wave.
Life is to live,
for death is only the beginning.
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
That is quite interesting. Um... I'm not sure how to really review on poety so I try.
Hm... The life and death thing is a twist in my book espeacialy that you put both in the same poem but very interesting. That would be a tough question to ask any one because both have a win loss side to both.
Good jod pieman.
Okay... let's do a visualization. Pretend that poetry doesn't have any meaning whatsoever. Annoying, isn't it? Okay. Now picture a poem that has tons of meanings in it, but so much so that there's no pretty stuff.
That's not your poem... not completely anyway, but it is coming very close.
First of all, don't let clichés come in your way. In fact, kill the little devils because they suck and will make your writing suck. Instead, focus on something to display your message. In this case, what you choose is the ocean, or at least the beach.
Next of all, why does this remind you of the message? Like, I know that I can think of stories of beaches. I know that I love to use beaches as a tale of love because my dad proposed to my mom on one, so they're intensely romantic to me. I don't think of death, persay. So why does this thought come to mind?
Third? Put it in a pretty way.
Poetry is an art. Subtlety is key, always. Your goal, as a poet, is not to tell the reader what you're thinking but rather show them through images and words what you're thinking and make them know what you're feeling. It's tough, but worthwhile.
So good luck. Hope that helps!
Poetry is all about being subtle-- you have been much too direct here. Go through your poem, take out the choice verses and analogies and try and piece something together with those. Cheers,
Cameron
I second basically everything BFG said, especially the part about trying to take on the world with one poem. Try to focus on just one moment in time, one step in the sand or one second at looking out at the ocean, or a specific time you went to the ocean, why you were there, who was there with you...and tell us what you feel, but be subtle about it. Try to describe objects more, rather than listing a bunch of old cliches and sayings. Take out the last stanza altogether. It sounds very college-essay-esque. Try to say what you have said in this poem in a more unique way. Currently it sounds like something one might read on a Hallmark card; they all use the same phrases and none of them makes one think or appreciate the poem. You just put the card down and look for a better one.
Knowing most I'm-walking-on-the-beach-ain't-the-ocean-pretty poems, it'll still probably end up cliched, but I encourage you to try. As Sophie said, read some great poetry; it'll help immensely.
Keep writing!
Colleen
Aside from being chock full of cliches and grammatical errors, I still didn't like this poem. Most of it didn't make sense - for instance:
Well, obviously we do see it, it's just been described to us. The narrator has been looking around him since the beginning of the poem, saying how beautiful everything is... so why wouldn't we see it?
If he wants an answer to calm the world, the whole ripple-becomes-wave analogy is kind of thrown away. A big wave doesn't calm anything, it causes a stir... you're screwing up your metaphors.
Okaaay... this guy has never seen the stars and moon before?
Yeah, it sounds deep, but get over it... it doesn't mean anything, and it doesn't make sense.
This poem seems very full of itself, if you'll excuse me for saying so. It thinks it's saying something really deep, but... it's not. It doesn't begin to accomplish its purpose. As a budding poet, I have two suggestions for you that have greatly helped me, and are still helping me. 1)Read tons of poetry. Study it. Disect it. Rip it apart and learn to recognize what makes it a really great poem. Then try to incorporate these elements into your own writing. 2)Don't try to conquer the world with one poem. When you read said great poems, you'll notice that most of them pick one aspect of their life that they care about. They don't try to take on the whole world in a few lines; they don't claim they have the answer to life, death, and everything in between.
Keep writing, and reading poetry, and you will improve. Sorry if this review sounded so critical, but I'm only trying to help. Keep writing and reading and learning, and don't get discouraged.
Its very beautiful - I loved the last line.
but as Claudette has mentioned before, maybe a tad vague.
I like how you use an ocean in this, and while the ripple is very fitting ... it's kind of cliche. I also don't quite understand how the sunset makes the persona understand that "beauty is all around us, even if we do not see it" because wouldn't you need to compare it to a beauty that isn't usually seen?