Young Writers Society

Hi,

I don't like giving short review, but I'm having quite a fate to face now...which the result will be severe to me and the saddest part is, I can't decide it.

Everything flows really good and I can almost agree with everything with Lightsong's review especially the way you made your poem simple but on point.

I just witnessed something on your poem:

She is the common mistress of the world--
used by all and loved by none.

I would like to highlight the phrase, used by all. I would stop on this and ponder about it a little. Is it really? Being blunt is good, but there must be logical reason to explain it. Don't express things only on your view. You should consider others'. Care for others' heart too.

That's all. Good work.

~Memo

Hey, niteowl, I'm here to review this wonderful piece of yours!

She is the common mistress of the world--
used by all and loved by none.

I like this stanza. It's a good one as a first stanza since it's a statement for something we would explore later on. It also has the mysteriousness of how brown in the common mistress of the world and how people use it by don't like it.

She feeds us from soil,
gives us breath from trees
and energy from coffee,
and yet we tell her
she is poor and drab.

The imagery in this stanza is simple but on point. I like how I don't have to think deeply to know the meaning of each image you've succeeded to pain in my mind. However, I've some teeny-weeny suggestion for this. You maintain the subject + verb format for the first and second line, but the third one is an extension for the second, and it kinda ruins the flow. I think the third line can have similar format and stand by its own. There are many synonymous words for 'give', or other words that can produce the same meaning. 'Offer' comes to mind. Also, to maintain the rhythm of the first to third lines, I'd suggest to remove the 'an'd in the third. It'd be like this:

She feeds us from soil,
gives us breath from trees,
offers energy from coffee;
yet we tell her
she is poor and drab.

On to the next stanza.

She lives throughout nature,
yet we say she is only fashionable
on peasants and soldiers.

I think we need more explanation about this one. You said 'she lives throughout nature', but how does that contradict the with the second and third line? Can someone living throughout nature being fashionable on peasants and soldiers? The first line can be elaborated more with an addition of a line after it to make the idea seems clearer and more powerful.

She paints our eyes, hair, skin--
and yet we shame her
for not being pale and blue.

I enjoy this imagery. It just rings true on how we value much on skin or eye colour by how pale or brilliant the colour is. It speaks volume of our shallow judgement, but unfortunately, it's something that we can't escape rapidly. A reminder like this would motivate us to look deeper into one's appearance. I've some suggestion for this stanza too. First, it would do good on your rhythm if you maintain starting the middle line with 'yet' instead of 'and yet'. Not to mention, you're using an em dash, so starting with 'yet' fits more. Also, since the first order is 'eyes, hair, skin', the second order is better to be relative to that, which is 'blue and pale'.

The last line is excellent to close the poem. My yet teeny-weeny suggestion is to put an 'a' before 'waste'. Other than that, it's yet again on point. It's remarkable how brown is significant to us in every way and every place, and yet get the treatment it truly does not deserve. You convey that message well, and in few words too. Your ability to convey all these ideas in few words are what impressed me the most, and what makes this simple and yet have very deep meaning.

All in all, a nice poem, and the suggestions I've made are less than the compliments I'd give to you. Keep up the good job!