Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I watch this river.
Watching it flow.
Peaceful.
Calming.
I watch it flow, dressed in red,
Like paint on a battlefield.
I watch it flow; the calm after the storm.
I watch it until I drown in your tears.
I watch it flow, ever so slowly, until I fade into the world of Limbo.
Life and Death.
What does it mean without you?
The river flows across steadily.
There’s a bridge.
An elastic gap that stops the flow.
Interrupting the harmony.
Still, I take the plunge, deeper, deeper.
Into the river.
The river of red on the wrist of a crying girl.
She needs this...It’s her way out.
I’m watching this river.
This river of blood.
And I’ll watch until the day the river becomes too deep.
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138,321 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
This is Kaos here for a review!
So this is something that seems to be a touchy topic, so I will treat it as such. I'm never one to be completely fond of poetry like this because it is quite sad and it does have an edge to it that makes me uncomfortable, but we'll jump right into the poem. The flow of the poem itself is probably the weakness that you have here as you don't have a whole lot of variety and end most of your lines after they start. Instead of constantly doing this without a good reason, I suggest using commas and semicolons more often to your advantage, and even then sometimes you don't have to use them to carry on the poem, it just gets annoying to see periods add up, one after another and it disrupts the flow. Short lines that are strong with punctuation can be powerful, but they lose that effect if you're just going to use it throughout the whole time.
The metaphor in this poem is one of the strengths that I found with the river. The strongest line in the poem is the one that mentions the river on her wrist and I would have liked more about that in the poem because we only get that subtly and nothing more. The imagery is something that I found could use some improvement with it not really doing all that much new and it just draws from what's been said before with these types of poems.
Instead of doing that, give us a new perspective for us to think of it like you do with this river and expand on the imagery with that. The stuff about "drowning in your tears" takes the affect that you had before in the poem away as it just feels a little cliche but the end of the poem carries a lot of impact with the river one day becoming too deep. You say this subtly and without having to spell it out which is something that I liked about the poem but I did feel like that it did fall a little into the cliche of what's been said before.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Wow, this is really deep.
I did enjoy the metaphor of the river.
I just find sometimes during your poem, in places like "There's a bridge", it sounds so blatant and it dumbs the poem down a bit, so try to avoid those types of statements, or at least, rephrase them to sound less like ^^^.
I think the bridge part is a bit random, I don't completely see how it relates to the story.
"She needs this... It's her way out." - She needs what? Perhaps "this" should be "it" or some other noun other than "this", as "this" sounds like it's not meant to be there.
So other than that, I really enjoyed the poem! - Tiana
The elastic bridge is a bandage-wrap.