I didn't know she'd be gone so fast.
I'd change it all if I could go back to the past.
For her, I would die a million deaths,
Just so the blade would not pierce her chest.
She's with me in sleep, but not when I wake,
But she gave me her heart, it should be mine to take.
I'd loved her throughout, but now she's gone,
She never even tried, her sword wasn't drawn.
She didn't fight for her life, didn't even try,
As if her wings were stuck; an Angel who can't fly.
I lost her, sadly, to such a dreadful fate.
Years have passed, but I remembered the date.
If only I could see her, just one more time,
Forever, it'd seem, her lips would be on mine.
I'd kiss her slowly, softly, at first,
But then she'd depart because of her curse.
Death took her away and won't set her free,
So now she's a Fallen Angel, stolen from me.
I'll never forget you, but that is my fear.
“Be safe wherever you are,” I say with a tear.
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140,222 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
This is my review,
I'm new to this community and your poem is one of the first I have read and I love it!
I don't see any mistakes because the poem flows so well, I like poems that seem to slide softly off your tongue kind of like a song.
Because it flowed so well it made the poem sound much sadder as the one who lost their lover is longing for them that it's almost numbing.
Keep doing awesome stuff like this!
Heya, this is Jedi, here to write a review!
First off, I enjoyed this read IMMENSELY! Great job on this! I like how it rhymes--I find that most poetry on YWS doesn't, but I like rhyming so this was a nice breath of fresh air for me. It flows nicely, and the rhyming didn't seem forced, a common mistake for young poets.
I really don't have anything negative to say other than a few word choices that could be improved.
I think that anything could be better than using, "sadly," here. Don't tell us that the incident was sad, make us feel the emotion from imagery or better vocabulary to fit this setting specifically. There are many synonyms for "Sadly," but find the one that hits the reader a certain way, the one that has a meaning just for this poem. I also don't like the use of "dreadful," here. It sounds more disgusted than agonizingly sorrowful. Tragic would be better, but I'm sure you could find a better word than even that.
My favorite lines are,
and
They're very powerful, and they flow especially nicely. I enjoyed this poem SO MUCH and reviewing it was kinda boring, as there were no mistakes to point out O,o
Great job and keep up the FANTASTIC work! I definitely look forward to reading more of your poetry! I also really like your poem, "Second Grade Serenade," but I don't have time to review both
Keep writing! I loved this!
Here's my review
I liked the way you portrayed death from a lover's point of view. It seems almost as if you speak from experience in this poem. The description of death is well portrayed and I hope to see more.
I didn't see any mistakes, but I have little experience with this. My word is not set in stone.
Anyway, have a lovely day.
AnnMath
I do speak from experience