z

Young Writers Society


12+

Seize or Be Seized

by ghost223


First, you feel a slightly painful tinge in the back.
The pain gets stronger until your sight goes black.
You brain pulses and slams hard against your skull.
Your body hits the ground and your eyes start to roll.
From the cold, hard ground to a hospital bed.
Then you snap awake and realize it’s in your head.
You laugh and think “I wish it were real.”
You sit in your desk deciding how to feel.
You can’t live like this, just go with the flow.
You can’t live like that, you’re a freak show.
This is a joke, You have to be normal. You can’t be insane.
You curse God with streams of anger flowing to your brain.
I can’t believe this. I didn’t imagine that
short lapse in time. I know for a fact.
The doctors tell me to avoid flashes, but I don't care what they say.
Because I'm done being seized and I'm seizing the day.


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558 Reviews


Points: 1219
Reviews: 558

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Sat Jan 21, 2017 5:43 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, ghost223! Lupa here for a review! :D Let's jump right in...

1) About 95% of the time I was purely confused. You give your reader no background knowledge, no clue as to what "flashes" are in the second-to-last line. I didn't enjoy reading this as much as I should've. Clarify some aspects of the poem.

2) Half of it is description. It sounds like a seizure, although I'm not entirely sure. Again, although your title reveals some to the reader, it's not enough.

3) The last line is sudden, if you know what I mean. The whole poem is spent lamenting these "seizures" the speaker is having, and then the last line gives the reader a burst of determination that came really unexpectedly. I suggest easing into it.

I think this would work better in short story form because I wanted to know more about what this poem was narrating. Some of it felt rushed or choppy, but the good thing is that you can fix it! :D Keep writing and improving!

XOX,
Lupa22




ghost223 says...


Its flashing light



erilea says...


Oh... I think I get what you mean by that. :D



ghost223 says...


Like strobes



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6 Reviews


Points: 401
Reviews: 6

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Sat Jan 21, 2017 2:21 pm
ghosts wrote a review...



It sparks something...it sparks thoughts in a person as i think was intended when written.
its under-detailed but that is the beauty of it. it couldn't use more words without ruining the message or idea.

towards the end there was a switch in the speaker, i don't know if it was purposefully or a mistake but it left me slightly confused, please could you clarify that.

the speaker insists that he's normal, him doubting himself really brings out the internal conflicts of the speaker,,,its a good strategic style of writing.
i like it :)




ghost223 says...


It's his thoughts




"Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood."
— George Orwell, 1984