First, you feel a slightly painful tinge in the back.
The pain gets stronger until your sight goes black.
You brain pulses and slams hard against your skull.
Your body hits the ground and your eyes start to roll.
From the cold, hard ground to a hospital bed.
Then you snap awake and realize it’s in your head.
You laugh and think “I wish it were real.”
You sit in your desk deciding how to feel.
You can’t live like this, just go with the flow.
You can’t live like that, you’re a freak show.
This is a joke, You have to be normal. You can’t be insane.
You curse God with streams of anger flowing to your brain.
I can’t believe this. I didn’t imagine that
short lapse in time. I know for a fact.
The doctors tell me to avoid flashes, but I don't care what they say.
Because I'm done being seized and I'm seizing the day.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,604 Literary Works • 672,617 Reviews
Hey, ghost223! Lupa here for a review!
Let's jump right in...
Keep writing and improving!
1) About 95% of the time I was purely confused. You give your reader no background knowledge, no clue as to what "flashes" are in the second-to-last line. I didn't enjoy reading this as much as I should've. Clarify some aspects of the poem.
2) Half of it is description. It sounds like a seizure, although I'm not entirely sure. Again, although your title reveals some to the reader, it's not enough.
3) The last line is sudden, if you know what I mean. The whole poem is spent lamenting these "seizures" the speaker is having, and then the last line gives the reader a burst of determination that came really unexpectedly. I suggest easing into it.
I think this would work better in short story form because I wanted to know more about what this poem was narrating. Some of it felt rushed or choppy, but the good thing is that you can fix it!
XOX,
Lupa22
Its flashing light
Oh... I think I get what you mean by that.
Like strobes
It sparks something...it sparks thoughts in a person as i think was intended when written.
its under-detailed but that is the beauty of it. it couldn't use more words without ruining the message or idea.
towards the end there was a switch in the speaker, i don't know if it was purposefully or a mistake but it left me slightly confused, please could you clarify that.
the speaker insists that he's normal, him doubting himself really brings out the internal conflicts of the speaker,,,its a good strategic style of writing.
i like it
It's his thoughts