I may seem cheery, but I’m not.
“Be true to yourself,” I was taught.
But that gets hard when you’re all alone.
Without anybody to call your own.
Our friendship will grow and never sink.
But that won’t happen, you don’t like how I think.
What I think and what I say are completely different things.
And, oh, how much I wish my mind were pulling the strings.
But I don’t think before I speak.
My cross to bear: impulsivity at its peak.
The horror of what I’ve been through truly reveals my pain.
Like a slowly dimming fire caught out in the pouring rain.
But that past is gone.
Night turns to day.
And it’s a new day. A day to run.
A day to play. A day to have fun.
I thought it’d never end, but it’s out of my mind.
Never to return, this cruel world is too kind.
I’ve earned a new heart now. One I’ve had to borrow.
But Shakespeare was right: “parting is such sweet sorrow.”
I loved her then, I love her still.
I always have. I always will.
This is a poem for you, I know it’s sad.
But I’ll never forget the love that we had.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,604 Literary Works • 672,617 Reviews
I found this poem very soothing and I really enjoyed reading it. Great work!
Hi there ghost223! Niteowl here to review this poem.
My first thought is that I don't know how well the rhyme is serving you here. The rhythm isn't too bad, but I feel like it's still constraining you because I don't get a sense of what the poem is about. At first it sounds like it's about a broken friendship and hiding yourself, then it's about a new day and then all of a sudden it's talking about a lost love. You said in a comment to a previous reviewer that this is about someone who died. Honestly, I'm not getting that from the poem itself.
I think this is the strongest part of your poem. It shows the struggle between trying to move on in a new day while still hurting. The last line I quoted is probably my favorite. I think it would be really interesting to develop this conflict further, whether in revising this piece or in something new.
Overall, I think this could be really good if you had a stronger focus and maybe tried free verse. Keep writing!
Thank you for the feedback
It rhymes okay, kudos for that, but it seems too much rhyming. Try to break it up once in awhile - end a piece of a poem with a word that doesn't rhyme with the rest of the prose (or maybe just with the first word of the next strophe, would also make for a awesome effect). It also feels too emotional (it can happen) - make it colder. Try to hit us in the gut with a sudden (and painful ending), since that is more gripping (IMHO) than having the emotion being stretched out through the whole poem. Now it seems (apologies in advance) that you are...whining. Please don't interpret it any wrong way, you can hate me all you want, but it just seems that the whole thing is written from the perspective of a little annoyed 13 year old who has just been dumped by his first GF. IMHO, of course, feel free to ignore and disagree with it as much as you like. I won't be hurt.
I loved the metaphors, though. That was cleverly done and they really conveyed the emotions that the main character is feeling right now. Some of them were really nice and beautiful and really conveyed a full image of what was happening and what he or she were going through
It was however unclear what really happened - did he fall in love with someone who didn't love him ? Did he (or she) abandon (him) or her ? Make that a touch clearer, since one of the first rules is that the public is dumb and most of the time they don't get what you are saying (or will interpret completely differently from what you have intended) so try to make it as clear as possible.
She's dead...
Oh, now I feel really dumb.
It's ok.
Hello there. Hope to give a fair review.
A like there solely for the fact that it rhymes beautifully. As usual, no grammar or punctuation mistakes. I have understood that you like using full stops (sorry, period sounds weird to me), either for giving pause or maybe you like it. So I won't say anything on that. Everyone has a style of their own, and respect that. For me this was the best line— 'I’ve earned a new heart now. One I’ve had to borrow.' But about this line— 'And, oh, how much I wish my mind were pulling the strings.' The significance of 'oh' is less here. If you wanted this, then no problem, otherwise maybe an exclamation mark would work, or rephrasing it (which I don't recommend ). Overall, it's another great work from you. Keep it up!
"Oh" is there for the sole purpose of place holding---to keep the flow.
Okay. Great work.