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16+ Mature Content

Four Lines

by ghost223

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Watching through a shattered window, a man witnessed a fight.
A fight in a family broken and bent, thinking that they're alright.
Through this shattered window, distorted figures began to pace
Up the hall, in the living room, by a table with cloth of lace.
The lace pulled back from a corner of this dark-cured table,
Four lines, white, lie perfectly still, perfectly still as grains are able.
Four lines, each six inches, concentric to the blade of a knife,
Picked up as a threat, by a large man, screaming against his son’s life.
Threats run back and forth and with a final plea in this den:
And with a final plea in this den, it will never ever happen again.

A man from this shattered window weeping for his past,
Reminded of scattered memories he thought would never last.
This scene of a broken house and chaotic beauty, into his brain, it has sewn,
It plays over and over again, this scene from a broken house, in a whispered tone.
The father’s had enough, as a hand raises before a thunderclap,
And a tear falls to the floor, like the boy, following the closed-fisted slap.
Four lines watching from the table, waiting for another,
Four lines watching from the table, waiting for a mother.
A silent scream from her throat, the burning coke slips down,
A mother on the floor, feeling like she's gonna drown.

Three lines left, two people arguing, one mother dying,
Flying high to the light, ripped by an argument, tired of crying.
Slamming against the shattered glass, choking on powder, falling to the hollow floor,
A coked up mother rams the carpet of a broken home that just can't take it anymore.
Father and son watch in awe as mother struggles for her heart,
Father and son watch in awe, in a home broken from the very start.
Serenity and chaos clash as the final tears drip down.
A promise is made of rehabilitation although no one makes a sound.
Watching through a shattered window, a man witnessed a fight.
A fight in a family, broken and bent, thinking that they're alright. 

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21 Reviews

Points: 114
Reviews: 21

Thu Dec 29, 2016 1:35 am
KFdreams02 wrote a review...

What's up?! I can definitely feel the depth in this poem when it comes to the emotions. Job well done! There were a few lines that were either too short or too long for the flow to truly continue without hitting bumps. But, even with that, I still loved it! Who knows, those so called "bumps" might not even exist if this were being spoken by the author instead of being read by me. Even if the bumps exist, it's something that's very easy to work out in poetry (and trust me, I accidentally add bumps to mine all the time, and end up with reviews much like this one your reading right now). But, on the bright side, no spelling errors, constant rhyming pattern, and a clean flow of emotions. Keep it up!

ghost223 says...

Thank you. :)

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Thu Dec 29, 2016 1:28 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review!

Another touchy topic, so I'll treat it as such. We see that this tackles the idea of a broken family and this is all being witnessed by someone who is just looking in their window. This is something that I find to be a little creepy but I guess you would watch something go down if it was bad. I find this to subtly tackle the bystander effect or what's called the Genovese syndrome when someone or more than one person happens to see something happen such as a murder but they don't say anything about it or don't go to the police about it. I see this to be underplayed in the poem and I would have liked to see more from the perspective of the person who was looking through the window for all of this.

The repetition in this poem doesn't bode well with me as it doesn't really seem to have any reason for really being there, or at least it doesn't really know why it's there. If you know why you're using repetition, chances are it'll make more sense to the reader as well. Something else that I wanted to touch on is that this poem feels rather messy in its structure and I would like to see it neater and cleaned up.

I suggest breaking this poem into stanzas so that its thoughts are more collected into individual thoughts and you can work from there. Something else that I wanted to touch on was the punctuation in this poem which is something that I wanted to see more variety in as well as the line length as they don't really get much variation and it starts to get stale as the poem goes on. I think that you can trim this poem down so it's not as long or big, doing do would make it have less kinks to work out and you can focus on making individual things stronger.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

ghost223 says...

I had it in four stanzas of eight, but when I post, this site gets rid of my stanzas:/

Kaylaa says...

Ahh, one way you can do it is put all of one stanza in a line and then hit 'shift enter' after each line, or if that's too vague you can always put dashes in-between each stanza. Both work ^^

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39 Reviews

Points: 1872
Reviews: 39

Fri Dec 23, 2016 7:56 pm
Squirtlepowiee wrote a review...


Wow! I really like this piece! It's very descriptive and realistic. I don't really know anything that is really out of place. I think the rhythm could use some work. The hardest component of poetry is the rhythm. Try to experiment with different rhythms like a trochaic foot. Iambic pentameter, whatever you like. Keep writing!

Greetings from Squirtlepowiee :D

"What is a poet? An unhappy person who hides deep anguish in his heart, but whose lips are so formed that when the sigh and cry pass through them, it sounds like lovely music."
— Søren Kierkegaard, Philosopher & Theologian