I just couldn’t get to sleep.
Over and over, the scene played in my head.
I stared at the ceiling as I lay on my bed.
Over and over, I replay the screams.
Over and over, the scene played in my head.
She held a silver glint in her hand.
Over and over, I replay the screams.
I can hear her crying in the corner.
She held a silver glint in her hand.
She pushed it deeper into her arm.
I can hear her crying in the corner.
Blood trickles to the ground.
She pushed it deeper into her arm.
“My darling forever,” it was supposed to be.
Blood trickles to the ground.
It symbolizes her departure and I lay awake.
“My darling forever,” it was supposed to be.
I stared at the ceiling as I lay on my bed.
It symbolizes her departure and I lay awake.
I just couldn’t get to sleep.
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139,757 Literary Works • 672,710 Reviews
Hello there. I hope to give a fair review.
Amazing. It would be a word of less worth to describe the style with which you write your poems. Unique! How you manage to do this? Even after using the same line in a different stanza, it made sense. And upon that, you maintained a pattern of repeating the lines. To say I am surprised (in a negative way) to find not much likes or reviews on your poems, would be an understatement. I hope others too read your poems. Great work. Keep it up!
Thank you
Welcome.
Hi there.
Wow i just got to say this hit me real hard in the feels. I just have a few questions i really wanted to know.
First why was she doing this and what is her motivation behind this?
Second i loved how it was in a guys view but, what would it be like if it was in a girls view?
Third was this a true story or was this not?
Please respond back to me whenever you can.
As always your friend:
Madison
It's a true story...
Hi there.
Wow i just got to say this hit me real hard in the feels. I just have a few questions i really wanted to know.
First why was she doing this and what is her motivation behind this?
Second i loved how it was in a guys view but, what would it be like if it was in a girls view?
Third was this a true story or was this not?
Please respond back to me whenever you can.
As always your friend:
Madison
Oh my goodness... I can feel the emotion here. After I read it a few times it really began to hurt. I've experienced so many nights like this--replaying actions or words over and over and over. It plays out in my head similar to this, as well. Actually, pretty scary-similar.
There are only a couple concerns that I have with your writing. First off, in the beginning, I got the feel that it would be a rhyming poem because of "head" and "bed." Of course, that didn't end up being the case so I was a little mislead.
The second concern I have is your mixture between tenses. For example, in line 12 you said, "Blood trickles to the ground," but in line 13 you said, "She pushed it deeper into her arm." You used present and past tense to describe the same situation.
I know that YWS typically formats writings in a different way than you'd like, so I'm assuming that's the case here. Whenever you repeat lines, is that the beginning/end of a stanza?
In conclusion: Nice work you've got here. Keep writing.