I didn’t get enough time.
She left too soon, you see.
Death ripped her away with his claws.
She didn’t even struggle; didn’t even care.
I wanted to help, but I just stood, frozen.
The sharp edge plummets into her skin.
Death welcomes with open arms and spiked skin.
She seemed to speed up time.
She became cold, lifeless, frozen.
It happened so fast, the tears came quickly, and I couldn’t see.
I ran to her body and check her pulse with care.
Her eyes closed and I gripped her in my claws.
My deadly poison injected by my claws.
I shouted at the medic who ran to the girl and touched her skin.
I could hardly breathe, but I didn’t care.
The medic said that there may not be enough time
to save her life, but we’ll have to see.
It was cold out, and I was frozen.
I get in the ambulance. I remain frozen.
The radio pierces my ears, twisting through with its deadly claws.
Tears flood my eyes once more and again, I cannot see.
“Clear!” The defibrillator jabs into her skin.
I hear him shout “ we’ve lost her,” and there’s no such thing as time.
He told me to stay back, but I didn’t care.
I rushed to her side and told her to take care
in Heaven. She lays on the gurney, still, frozen.
She won’t be able to recover. Not this time.
I cry and tears streak across my face like claws.
The fluorescent lights hurt my eyes, but holding her hand calms my skin.
The light finally blinds me, the last time I remember being unable to see.
We get to the hospital and I can see
them lift the gurney off the truck with care.
I already know she’s in heaven; my angel has left her skin.
Her body isn’t cold, but it almost looks frozen.
They rush her into the hospital with their deadly claws,
but they’ve obviously run out of time.
She’s gone from her skin, as she lays there frozen.
As I could see, they tried to take care,
but the knife ripped her skin too deep and I think about it all the time.
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140,222 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
I see people are also saying your poem is confusing. It is clear what is going on here.
Her eyes closed and I gripped her in my claws.
My deadly poison injected by my claws.
I liked these lines because it shows the reader thinking in a twisted way that they sucked the last remains of life out of her somehow.
(but seriously how is this confusing?? lol)
I dunno. People are weird
Hi there, Memory here for a review.
Lets jump into this shall we, first things first your formatting is an eyesore, YWS likes to change formatting regardless so I'm gonna drop a helpful link with some formatting tools to help you get started. (And don't worry YWS always messes my poetry formatting up too)
How to Format Poetry
You went in and out with the imagery so I'm getting some, but at the same time I'm not. I feel the emotion and I don't. Your narrator is a robot. Doesn't really hold my interest but at the same time it doesn't. I don't know how else to explain what I felt when reading your poem. So maybe go through and edit, take out unneeded stanzas and add in some.
This here confused me an I actually had to go back a couple times and make sure I had read that correct. This is where editing and reading through before posting could help. Make sure you're using the correct grammar and everything.
Hope this helps even a little
~Mem
They lift****
Also, the sheer lack of emotion was purposeful and this poem, by nature, is confusing.
Heya, this is Jedi, here for another review!
Although I enjoyed this poem like the rest of yours, the grammar was poor. So let's jump into the critique!
Here you randomly change from past to present tense. It confuses the reader and lowers the quality of this piece immensely. A few other parts do the same thing, so consider revising.
Also, you seem to use the word, "frozen," excessively... here are some good replacements to change things up: paralyzed, still, trapped, fixed, rigid, inert, unmoving
That she/he couldn't see doesn't make sense, as she is in the next line or so "checking her pulse with care". Maybe it's just me, but it would make more sense if all she could see was HER. That's just my suggestion.
Also, throughout the poem you say things like, "she lays," and honestly it drives me insane. Is she a hen laying eggs or something? "Lay" is past tense, and "Lies" is present tense. Lays is used when you have an object. She LAYS something down. She LIES down. Hope that helps.
Just a quick tip, it doesn't sound nice when you end two lines in a row with the same word. Also, it would flow a lot better if you moved, "in Heaven" to the second line here to finish it up.
The ending here honestly lowers the quality of the whole piece. Squeezing in, "and I think about it all the time," sounds too simple and plain and...just...not concluding. Perhaps if you expanded on it in a couple separate lines and didn't just say, "all the time". It doesn't sound good at all. Perhaps something along the lines of, "preys upon my mind," or, "transforms each dream to a nightmare," or, "stains each precious memory" would be better. Those are just a few ideas.
Besides these mistakes and such, wonderful piece of artwork! I love how vague it is; the reader can feel the emotions of the character. Great job on that and keep writing!
Look at the last word of each line and a pattern will emerge. That will clear up quite a bit of your confusion, but certainly not all.