I watch this river.
Watching it flow.
Peaceful.
Calming.
I watch it flow, dressed in red,
Like paint on a battlefield.
I watch it flow; the calm after the storm.
I watch it until I drown in your tears.
I watch it flow, ever so slowly, until I fade into the world of Limbo.
Life and Death.
What does it mean without you?
The river flows across steadily.
There’s a bridge.
An elastic gap that stops the flow.
Interrupting the harmony.
Still, I take the plunge, deeper, deeper.
Into the river.
The river of red on the wrist of a crying girl.
She needs this...It’s her way out.
I’m watching this river.
This river of blood.
And I’ll watch until the day the river becomes too deep.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey ghost!
I hope you don't mind if I'm quite honest about this. I don't have much to say about what ideas you had in making this poem- they're your own, and they're special and it's good that you wrote this poem, I just want to comment on your imagery and language to help you convey these emotions and ideas in the best way and make it a beautiful piece.
I noticed your repetition of "the river" and "I watch it flow"- repetition is good, and it can strengthen a poem, but when it's too close it can be a bit redundant.
Here, for example. Not only is it rather redundant, but it's passive. There's no action or emotion behind it. And that may be the case- the narrator may be done at this point, void of emotions, but I think you should show that. Maybe you could place a bit of imagery or key point here, something that needs to be seen right away. "I watch this river / it traces paths of Crimson over my skin" or something, which tips the reader off that it's blood. Just like in a novel or essay, something with vivid imagery or a sudden action or piece of information is more likely to pull a reader in than just watching a river flow.
I love some of the imagery here- it's a strong part of the poem. I think there's lots of opportunities to expand on your imagery in the poem as a whole. For example, since you compare it to a river, you could use other river terms. "I've passed the Rapids, the waterfalls; now it's just a slow and steady stream" or "my pain is swept away in the swirling current"- something like that! And the same goes for the red paint idea- imagine you're painting this poem. It's all shades of red, at least in my mind. Pretty monochromatic, but it's got a lot of layers to it. I think it would be neat if you used a lot more color words- they can all be red, but think of how many there are: Crimson, scarlet, rosy, ruby, flaming... So many options!
With your third line, I think it might be more pointed if you said, "What does either mean without you?"- you refer to both life and death in the previous line, so I feel like that would be more fitting. Also, I'm honestly not sure what you mean by the elastic gap. That could be a bit clearer, though I like the idea of something interrupting the flow. It's a good thing, but it seems out of place in the poem.
All in all, this is a good start! I hope you can continue to make it better. ^_^ Good luck with your writing!!
-Falco
First off, this poem isn't about my blood, it's someone else's. I am a dude. Secondly, the gap is a gauze pad or wrap or bandaid, you know, some way to stop the bleeding. Thirdly, every single word, along with the way they were used, were used purposefully and systematically to give you every single effect I wanted the reader to feel. Be sure to take into account how the author, me, must've been feeling while writing this. It's a calm kind of pain. Now the subject of discussion, her, had a screaming fire rip across her skin as she cut. Two opposites can be melded in many ways, this being one of them. When you watch someone cut themselves, it's hard to interrupt. You kinda just stay where you are frozen in fear or i don't know what, but it's hard to find any other reaction than to be soothed by something so violent that there aren't enough words in the dictionary to describe it.
Hi there, ghost223! Crimson here, for a review!
This is a really interesting piece, so I hope you don't mind if I get a little nitpicky and poke at it in hopes you can refine it further!
First note is that while there's some tentative grouping of concepts here, the lack of stanzas makes things slightly confusing at times in terms of which ideas belong to which set. I'd suggest perhaps breaking into a new stanza after lines 4, 10, and 17. There may be more appropriate places to break, depending on how you intend it to be read; adjust accordingly.
Second note is some of these unusual descriptions. Unusual is awesome, but take care to make sure that they still work how you want them to. "I watch it flow, dressed in red,\Like paint on a battlefield." is very unusual. I know precisely what you mean by that simile. That's good. What's bad is the myriad of questions it raises. Why is there red paint on a battlefield? I think I can safely say you wanted to bring a bloody battlefield to mind without actually using the word 'blood'. I'd recommend a less... strongly-bound... word than 'paint.' Paint brings to mind sharp and cloying smells, thicker and much more opaque liquids than blood. Consider using a different comparison, although this one does work.
Your line length, too, is uneven at points. In some ways this works, but at the same time I can't help looking at it and wondering if it would just flow better if the line length was more uniform. Don't worry so much about how long a line looks, either; count out syllables if you have to. They don't have to match perfectly, or even be the same 'standard' for the whole poem at all, but keeping reasonably consistent line length can help you tie in concepts more strongly by giving them matching line lengths.
You do very well at evoking images, I must say. Something you should try to tie in more concretely is how things feel as well. This crying girl you mention near the end. Why is she crying? How is she feeling? What do her emotions feel like? At times, this kind of detachment is very useful... but I feel as though a poem can rob itself of a lot of its impact if you never take the time to tie what we're reading back into what we can see, feel, hear, taste, touch, smell... You needn't use all the senses, or even any entirely directly, but you should try to include them in some fashion if you intent to draw the reader in.
This was a pretty surreal read, and I think that's what you were going for, so good job! Keep at it; improvement is just focused practice.
Cheers,
Crimson
My phone posted this three times. I'm very sorry
No worries
This is an absolutely beautiful peiece. The emotion and description behind it are absolutely moving. At first I didn't get it, I couldn't understand what the idea of the "Red river" was. But, as I got to the end I Got a grasp of what it was truly about. The pain that we inflict on ourselves, at least that's what I took from it, maybe I was wrong, maybe I took the words as something they weren't supposed to be. But, I read it as an outsider looking in, watching with you. It's hard to explain, and I'm probably wrong, but, it's so thoughtful and thought provoking, I've never hurt myself, I've never been in that state of mind, but, I know a lot of people who have. It hurts to know that people you care about do that to themselves to feel peace. I felt like an outsider looking in, like I was powerless to stop it. "The red river flows". And I tried to be the beige to stop it. But, I could never help them. I wonder if that's how people feel when they do it to themselves, like outsiders looking in, to their own play of destruction. I'm sorry if I got it all wrong, or disrespected this amazing piece. I don't know you, and I'm new to this site, but, I will say, God bless, I hope everything turns out ok for that girl. And I hope that you keep writing.
She's dead now...This particular girl, but you hit the nail on the head. It's about self-harm.
Look at "Until the day the river becomes too deep."
I was referring to the suicide that I knew I'd never be able to stop..
I'm so sorry to hear that, the loss of a loved one is never easy. My condolences. I will definitely have to read your other piece. I'm truly sorry if I spoke out of terms or offended you.
I would rather you speak your mind, even if it hurts, the truth is far more precious. Also, I've lost 10 people to Death's cold grip
Well, I can't imagine that much loss. But, I can say, that because you're still alive, their memory lives on. And it lives on through your beautiful writing, and through the emotion you feel towards them. They may be dead, but, I feel, that as long as they had people like you, they will never truly be gone, or forgotten. I hope that you continue to fight against death with these works of art, and never let its claws stop you from using your words to help those with similar experiences
This is an absolutely beautiful peiece. The emotion and description behind it are absolutely moving. At first I didn't get it, I couldn't understand what the idea of the "Red river" was. But, as I got to the end I Got a grasp of what it was truly about. The pain that we inflict on ourselves, at least that's what I took from it, maybe I was wrong, maybe I took the words as something they weren't supposed to be. But, I read it as an outsider looking in, watching with you. It's hard to explain, and I'm probably wrong, but, it's so thoughtful and thought provoking, I've never hurt myself, I've never been in that state of mind, but, I know a lot of people who have. It hurts to know that people you care about do that to themselves to feel peace. I felt like an outsider looking in, like I was powerless to stop it. "The red river flows". And I tried to be the beige to stop it. But, I could never help them. I wonder if that's how people feel when they do it to themselves, like outsiders looking in, to their own play of destruction. I'm sorry if I got it all wrong, or disrespected this amazing piece. I don't know you, and I'm new to this site, but, I will say, God bless, I hope everything turns out ok for that girl. And I hope that you keep writing.
This is an absolutely beautiful peiece. The emotion and description behind it are absolutely moving. At first I didn't get it, I couldn't understand what the idea of the "Red river" was. But, as I got to the end I Got a grasp of what it was truly about. The pain that we inflict on ourselves, at least that's what I took from it, maybe I was wrong, maybe I took the words as something they weren't supposed to be. But, I read it as an outsider looking in, watching with you. It's hard to explain, and I'm probably wrong, but, it's so thoughtful and thought provoking, I've never hurt myself, I've never been in that state of mind, but, I know a lot of people who have. It hurts to know that people you care about do that to themselves to feel peace. I felt like an outsider looking in, like I was powerless to stop it. "The red river flows". And I tried to be the beige to stop it. But, I could never help them. I wonder if that's how people feel when they do it to themselves, like outsiders looking in, to their own play of destruction. I'm sorry if I got it all wrong, or disrespected this amazing piece. I don't know you, and I'm new to this site, but, I will say, God bless, I hope everything turns out ok for that girl. And I hope that you keep writing.