Hey ghost!
I hope you don't mind if I'm quite honest about this. I don't have much to say about what ideas you had in making this poem- they're your own, and they're special and it's good that you wrote this poem, I just want to comment on your imagery and language to help you convey these emotions and ideas in the best way and make it a beautiful piece.
I noticed your repetition of "the river" and "I watch it flow"- repetition is good, and it can strengthen a poem, but when it's too close it can be a bit redundant.
I watch this river.
Watching it flow.
Here, for example. Not only is it rather redundant, but it's passive. There's no action or emotion behind it. And that may be the case- the narrator may be done at this point, void of emotions, but I think you should show that. Maybe you could place a bit of imagery or key point here, something that needs to be seen right away. "I watch this river / it traces paths of Crimson over my skin" or something, which tips the reader off that it's blood. Just like in a novel or essay, something with vivid imagery or a sudden action or piece of information is more likely to pull a reader in than just watching a river flow.
watch it flow, dressed in red,
Like paint on a battlefield.
I watch it flow; the calm after the storm.
I watch it until I drown in your tears.
I love some of the imagery here- it's a strong part of the poem. I think there's lots of opportunities to expand on your imagery in the poem as a whole. For example, since you compare it to a river, you could use other river terms. "I've passed the Rapids, the waterfalls; now it's just a slow and steady stream" or "my pain is swept away in the swirling current"- something like that! And the same goes for the red paint idea- imagine you're painting this poem. It's all shades of red, at least in my mind. Pretty monochromatic, but it's got a lot of layers to it. I think it would be neat if you used a lot more color words- they can all be red, but think of how many there are: Crimson, scarlet, rosy, ruby, flaming... So many options!
I watch it flow, ever so slowly, until I fade into the world of Limbo.
Life and Death.
What does it mean without you?
The river flows across steadily.
There’s a bridge.
An elastic gap that stops the flow.
Interrupting the harmony.
With your third line, I think it might be more pointed if you said, "What does either mean without you?"- you refer to both life and death in the previous line, so I feel like that would be more fitting. Also, I'm honestly not sure what you mean by the elastic gap. That could be a bit clearer, though I like the idea of something interrupting the flow. It's a good thing, but it seems out of place in the poem.
All in all, this is a good start! I hope you can continue to make it better. ^_^ Good luck with your writing!!
-Falco
Points: 5966
Reviews: 498
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