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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
this is a disturbingly wonderful truth that has been brought to light by you if you hadn't welcomed it onto paper it might have stayed buried in your mind hidden and unwritten I thank you for sharing this with the world by some strange luck I have gotten the privilege to read this I realize my comment might sound unusual but thank you
This poem has a certain calmness about it, a certain degree of quietness. Are you sure about the word 'essense'? Isn't it supposed to be 'essence'? Pardon me if I am wrong about that. Anyway that's just something I stumbled upon while reading and it kind of disturbed the flow. But it was all a smooth ride afterwards. I did not find any sentence oddly placed, but I did find the effort to rhyme flickers with lingers a bit weird. But I am not suggesting you compromise with what you are feeling just for the sake of rhyming the words properly. I wonder if you can do that in that stanza without having to compromise the essence of the poem. Intensity running through this clearly shows you enjoy writing such poems. I enjoyed reading it. Cheers.
Yes, thanks for clearing that up, 'Essense' was a type-o. The point about the lingers word choice, that's absolutely true, I myself had trouble would that line. I wasn't sure if I should rewrite the whole stanza or just let it be. I might rewrite this later on this week.
This poem is beautiful in the most tragic way. I was not expecting something so beautifully brutal when I clicked on an entry by a person going by the name Gravy. It's dignifying and eye opening. Usually I dis-like poems while the meanings escape me. My brain doesn't process them as it should, but yours may have changed all of that. The negative thoughts about poetry and dreaded days of English lessons dragged on about poetry and there true meanings disappeared entirely from my mind. Thank you! I wish I could give some constructive critism but your poems aren't just word they are a work of art, clearly flowing from deep within.
Your language is lovely and really evocative. However, in order to increase its effectiveness I'd sprinkle it more sparingly - the flowery prose is beautiful especially in the beginning, but towards the last verse it loses some of its power.
The most poignant poetry (in my humble opinion) is poetry that doesn't bombard you with sensory overload except in a couple of key verses/lines. Being easier on the eyes/ears makes not only the flowery language stand out more, but also makes it easier to remember. And therefore, obviously, you end up with poetry that is more memorable on a lot of levels but just as evocative.
Sorry if this is confusing or makes no sense. I'm afraid English isn't my first language, and stuff sounds better in my head than it does when I type it out. X_X
Yes, I do think I got weaker getting towards the end. No worries, English isn't my first either :p
My first thought upon finishing this poem was sensory overload. There's a lot going on here, but nothing at all at the same time. I understood the subject's angst and desperation, but that seems to be the only substance here. Your wording is flowery and flows beautifully, but it's not enough to carry the message of the poem.
If i were you, I would try starting again. Just write the basic message, like a skeleton, and then flesh it in afterwards.
This poem is supposed to be this way. It is only supposed to linger in the back of your mind and draw emotions out of you. Skeletons and Grim Reaper stuff is all cliche. I am working on this new convincing technique. I'm surprised you felt that way about it, slightly disappointed but I still appreciate the quick read. Thanks.
Your first line needs to be redone because you're giving a word and then it's definition which doesn't make much sense because of the lines that follow it - these lines continue to list vices. There's a lot of diction in this piece that I feel are unnecessary or don't quite make sense in the way you're using them. For instance, "unreal emotions" what are you trying to say? Emotions are very real even the irrational ones. Your next line is sort of choppy and honestly doesn't make to much sense.
"Time nibbles on your essence" is a line that contradicts your "Souls always search for mere light" - mere is an unnecessary word - and "Ease your mind into eternal salvation". An essence is far more than a body it's your spiritual being and to say that time nibbles on it really discredits those other two lines which implicate a searching soul and eternal life.
Your last two lines don't make a lot of sense and often contradict one another.
"Dissolve into the dark, the safe light"
My main suggestion would be work on your word choice and what you're trying to get across instead of this chaotic poem that really doesn't make too much sense :/
I respect your review, but next time you read any more of my poems please 'think outside the box'. Every word was chosen after a great deal of thinking, if something doesn't make sense to you it may to many others and of not to anyone, then just makes sense for me. Thanks for the comment though.
Wow, this is beautiful.
I absolutely love this.
The message behind this truly got me thinking, "Why live?". That is an excellent thing for an author to do, making their readers truly think.
The choice of words here is absolutely magical. This is also very visual. Kudos for that. I love, love, LOVE the 5th stanza. That alone could be a poem.
This is a great work of art, and I don't really have any suggestions. The only thing I would comment on would be capitalization seems a little off, but that could just be personal preference.
Keep up the great writing!
~Kat.