z

Young Writers Society


12+

Life's Hell.

by elcuidador


Born deep within the flames of hell,
Heat licking through my melting shell,
Squinting past dancing red for salvage,
Failure as hell echoes of screams in rage.
 
As coal burns, I lost my black shell,
Slowly, miserbly ashes of hope fell,
All alone in torture, but never in mind,
Boiling skin, then two pops and I'm blind.
 
Swelling organs and weeping bones,
Pain overcrowding nerves that moan,
For mere mercy, for an end, for damned Grim.
Pleasures himself by the smell of thawing limbs.
 
Time passes without importance or worth,
My heart urns for the miracle of rebirth,
A sudden streak of steel slashes above me,
Fading into void, reborn in hell again, to forever be.
 
By: Toe (A.T.A)

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241 Reviews

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Sun Mar 31, 2013 10:25 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello Toe I am here for a kind of reviewish thing that needs to be writ well here goes.

Your rimes are awesome and your spelling is really good to as fare as I can tell that is witch is not much anyway back to my review and your grammar is really good to.

But I don't see how it connects to LIFE is hell and another thing are you like a snail or something with a shell and what was the point of it or was there even a point.

Good work I really like your poetry toe. :D

keep writing and good luck and have a good ester too. :D




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:51 pm
Omni wrote a review...



Ah, a poem by Toe. Goody-goody! Anyway, I'm here to review!

My name is Quest, and I will be reviewing this work for you today. So, time to get down to the review part of this review, shall we?

Squinting past dancing red for salvage,


This is somewhat of a letdown, Toe. The first three lines were oh so good, and this one brought them down. Try using different wording, because dancing red is awkward and somewhat dull compared to you beginning, which is a major letdown.

miserbly ashes


I think you mean miserably.

ashes of hope fell,


This is somewhat...wrong. You are using the wrong kind of tense when you write it this way, even if it rhymes.

I like it! I can't say much more that I already have, so I will say this: You have a way with words. With that said, there are some things you need to touch ip on, but it's fine other than that.

what I say is just my opinion, so take it as that and nothing more. this is your work, so make sure to keep it like that.

I hope this helped you,
Quest




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:50 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hi Toe! I've been surfing around for a poem to read and I almost passed this by because of the title. It's a bit bland and over-used, but I wavered and decided to give it a look over and I'm glad I did! But find yourself a better title, okay?

Specifics

1. The first two lines of this are lovely, but then you break the flow and the third is very jarring. The rhythm is off, it's too long and the visual rhyme of rage and salvage isn't well enough supported. Let's take a closer look...

Born deep within the flames of hell, < 8 syllables
Heat licking through my melting shell, < 8 syllables
Squinting past dancing red for salvage, < 9 syllables
Failure as hell echoes of screams in rage. < 10 syllables


Okay so what could we do to fix those last two lines? It's not so much that you need to make them eight syllables, though they should be the same length as each other, but you need to get the rhythm right as well. Squinting is throwing it off at the moment as your previous lines go da DUM da DUM da DUM. While the word squinting is emphasised at the beginning, so it goes DUM da. You need to start on a soft beat and then follow with a hard. How about something like...

The squint past dancing red; the salvage
failure, an echo through my outrage

This still uses a more visual rhyme, rather than a full one, but now that there's two syllables to outrage to match the two syllables of salvage, that closes the gap and makes it work. There's also that da DUM rhythm and each line has nine syllables. Of course, this is just an example of how you could make it better and it isn't the only solution. The trick is in getting that rhythm right and balancing it with the right words.

2.
As coal burns, I lost my black shell,
Don't change tense! That needs to be lose as you're writing in present tense so far.

Slowly, miserbly ashes of hope fell,
The same here - you need fall instead of fell.

3. The second rhyming couplet of the second stanza feels forced. The rhyme is too obvious and it feels like you're more concerned about making the lines rhyme than you are about the words themselves. There has been nothing so far to set up the blindness so it feels too much like you're letting the form lead you.

4. The third stanza is great, except for that run on final line. I love the reference to Grim, though it should be Grimm. But you need to cut a syllable out of that last line to make it ten like the previous one. Maybe 'who pleasures himself through human sin' and then drop the middle 'for' of the previous line which is dragging your flow.

5. In the last stanza, you mean yearns, not urns! In a poem where you had more word play, that would be fun and witty, but it's too late for introducing such an element of playfulness now.

6. The last two lines need work. They're a very weak rhyme as it's 'bubble-gum' - too simple to really be interesting. The rhythm's off as well, so take another look at there.

Overall

I liked this. For the most part you have a strong rhythm and it's refreshing to read something that's straight forward and expressionist. You've got some good imagery and some good emotion. I might have liked a little more specifics or more of a feel for how this reflects on the hardships of life, but it was a pretty fun read.

Feel free to ask me any questions you might have or to take another look should you make any changes!

Heather xxx




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Sat Mar 09, 2013 9:07 pm



I like th line "Squinting past dancing red for salvage". but by dancing red, you mean flames right? I think that this is a very descriptive poem. I like it.




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Sat Mar 09, 2013 3:12 pm
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there Toes, Dogs here with your review today! Okey dokey, lovely poem topic here, you have some nice writing. This topic has a lot of potential, and content wise you really bring it to the fullest. However, there are some tense issues and a lot of grammar/ rhyming things we need to address, let's dive in now shall we?

"Heat licking through my melting shell,"

Nice first two lines, although I really don't like the use of the word "licking" here. Just sounds odd and out of place. Try using something like "seeping" or "oozing" or "penetrating" however you want to describe it.

Squinting past dancing red for salvage,"

The "dancing red" is a little bit of a boring descriptor. I have read this poem and I know that you can use far better and more interesting words. Maybe try something like: "flickering flames" or something along those lines. Bust out a thesaurus if you're having troubles.

"Failure as hell echoes of screams in rage."

This line doesn't make sense for two reasons: Firstly, because it doesn't make grammatical sense if put up to the previous line. Secondly, I think you're missing a comma after "Failure" here. Not quite positive though.

"As coal burns, I lost my black shell,"

Now here is where you fall of the wagon a little. "lost" is past tense" and "As coal burns" indicates present tense. These conflicting tenses really make this line confusing. I would suggest that you change the second bit of the line into present tense, but you can't do that because it messes up your rhyming. So I suppose change the entire piece into past tense with: "When the coal burned, I lost my black shell." Also, there should be a period after "shell."

"Boiling skin, then two pops and I'm blind."

The entire stanza sounds a little choppy because the improper use of commas. You need to have a period at the end of every single line in this stanza. Excellent imagery and everything, well done in that regard. Try rephrasing this line and saying: "Boiling skin, and with two pops I'm blind."

THe last two lines of the third stanza are confusing, their meaning skewed because you tried a little too hard to fit in the rhyme. Try to clarify the meaning that you're trying to get across to the reader.

All and all a lovely piece of writing, I enjoyed reading it. With some polishing this could be an excellent piece. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sat Mar 09, 2013 1:52 pm



This really is amazing...! I love how easily you made the words flow, it all seems so effortless. If I could mold words as well as you, I'd be the happiest person on earth.




Toe says...


Aw thank you. If I was human I would have actually blushed. :P *hugs*




Nouns can verb very well actually, they verb better than some verbs do.
— winterwolf0100