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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Beautiful. Tragic. Intense. Awesome. My heart was hooked on this the minute I began reading it. That's what you want from a reader, you want them to get involved, feel what the people inside the story/poem etc. feel.
It's strange how the most haunting pieces can sometimes be the most beautiful and romantic but in a sadistic sense. I hope you understand what I mean. :/
My favourite line in the piece would have to be; "I forgive you.. But,
Fulfill your vow." I dunno it just strikes me as powerful.
Well done.
Bonjour, Pickle, Juniper at your service,
For starters, it's not clear if the narrator or "you" is tearing up, and the description of tearing up is, well, to say the least, boring. We understand that the narrator will be miserable, but tell us this in a new way, somehow! What you are trying to achieve in this poem is to paint the picture of a lover lost in anguish, and to do that, there are several things you need to do:I can infer from this poem that the narrator has died and wants the person he/she observes to join them once again. However, I get the feeling that you're trying to do two things here -- narrate a story and address the person this is directed at, and that's where the problems in syntax arise. Other times, your thoughts get muddled from line to line and it's hard to follow the action of what's happening. Here's what I mean!
• Organize your thoughts. This poem kind of sprinkles confusion all over my head. It jumps between love and death and forgetfullness, but doesn't seem to reach any sort of resolution.
But, because it's poetry, it doesn't necessarily have to. What it does need to do is hold your audience's interest, and present these ideas in a clear, concise, and ordered way, which brings me to my next point...
• Present your ideas in a fresh way. Yes, yes, yes, losing a loved one is heartbreaking and tragic, but we've seen it done in these phrases and metaphor before. Give us something new, tell us how a lie might have drained your heart of its reservoirs of love, or how the agony of being apart makes the narrator want to grow a third eye. ...or don't do that part. Basically, what I'm saying is that you need to present this in a unique manner so that it's bigger than a letter narrating a list of things undone.
Also, this is your "normal" poem? It's depressing. Pffffft.
xx June
I hate you.
Hey Pickle,
I feel as though your intention with this poem is to provide a strong, emotional core -- there are a lot of feelings in this. Interestingly, there is a dark spin as well to the typical emotional love poem in that it isn't exactly sweet words that are spinned, but there's an anguish and a dark passion in this. I think it's also intended to be ghostly in its imagery, with all the references to death and hauntings and whatnot.
While I think the above concept is a good one, I don't think it's effectively expressed. I'm moved very little. However, with some rewriting, I think you can definitely get this up there. So the main area of improvement is two-fold:
1) Short lines.
So most of these lines are short (4 syllables on average) -- 4 lines provide a very quick pace, which means that we read through this without a skip of a beat or a skip of thought.
2) Abstract/non-sensory language.
In addition to the short lines there are a lot of abstract words. So words like: love, forever, death, pain, feel, etc. etc.
If you want a poem to have a strong emotional core, sometimes you might need to expand on the line -- make it a bit longer, give us time to try to connect and really focus on what the words are saying. Also, try implementing more figurative and sensory language. It's the difference between telling us that the speaker is pained, as opposed to showing the experience and sensation of being in pain.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you wish to chat this up.
~ as always, Audy
Hey Wiz! I hath returned to review another one of your works ^^
Starting with the message of the poem, I thought that it was really kind of absorbing. It’s not something I've seen talked about LOADS, and it was quite nice to read. I thought you dealt with the whole topic really well. Although, I must add that it seemed sometimes like it was written in the perspective of some sort of stalker… it wasn't always like this, but at some parts it was- making the whole thing quite dark.
Something I really liked about this poem was actually the title! I thought it was really powerful and the sort of thing that would stay with someone. It made me feel the emotion more, and it was a really strong message.
Okay, so something I’d really like to pick up on is the form. It’s all one big blob at the moment, and I really think it would be worth splitting it up into stanzas. It doesn't have to be consistent stanzas, I mean it could be free verse- but I think just breaking it up a bit will make it easier to read. I mean it’s like 30+ lines, which makes it look longer than it actually is- and less like a poem really.
One last improvement I wanna say is something that I think I've mentioned in another poem of yours which is using interesting language. It’s not only to make it look all fancy and sophisticated, but it’s more about the imagery that can be created, so the reader can connect with the poem a bit better.
Lastly, I think your metre and pacing was really good! It flowed pretty well, regardless of the lack of line breaks (which I still think you should add in). But what I’m trying to say is that it flowed really well, and there weren't any awkward lines (in terms of meter) that stood out, so well done!
I hope this helped! PM me if you’d like another review.
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
This is one unusual poem. But then again, poems never were meant to be normal.
Followed you. XOXO, Ligaya
I'm not really an expert in poetry (and I also do not believe that poems had to be bound by the "conventions" of poetry) so I would have to skip the "technical" parts.
Although vocabulary-wise, everything was simple, the mood was haunting and now I had second thoughts on loving someone this possessive. Haha. I do not know if it really is love overtaking the feelings of the speaker, or plain bitterness and vengeance. The last line too still gives me shivers. :/
Keep writing! I ope to read more of your works.