Hey. Here as requested. Albeit really late.
You lost me on this rather thoroughly. You attempted to tell a story but it's so wrapped up in that one person that it can't stand on its own. There was the beginning of a story in the first two stanzas, but you get into some odd metaphors that don't fit with the rest of the story you'd established (like "queens' bear") and it goes downhill from there.
I also found you were struggling to fit everything into four line stanzas. Each stanza is fairly disconnected from the others, almost like it belongs to a whole new poem. This is actually a problem I see a lot with four line stanza poems, because trying to cram everything in can be difficult. Especially if you have a rhyme scheme, like you do here, because rhyming already forces poetry into certain constraints.
One thing that bugged me was how close you'd use similar words. "lighthouse" and "lightness" within two lines, then "mist" and "mystic" within three. This can throw off flow really badly, and make the poem look fairly bland because words look the same. In general I try not to have similar sounds within four lines of each other, unless it's a really bland transition word that people get to skip over. Even then, it's better to keep things fresh with vocab, unless you're purposely going simple.
There's really nothing all that special about this poem, I find. It's forgetable, because there's nothing solid for us to relate to. This is mostly a cause of how there's no solid story. We change characters we're focusing on every single stanza, which makes this look more like five four line poems than one single poem.
My biggest suggestion is to make this able to stand on its own. Writing poetry for a single person is all well and good, but if you want to put the poem out there for the public, you have to make it relatable to the public. I usually do this by letting people latch onto a single character or metaphor.
Also, connect each stanza together. This helps create a story that we can follow throughout the poem, and would make this feel a lot less choppy. You can do this by using the same metaphors throughout, or a single character doing the narrating. Also better transitions in general so everything flows nicely and the scene doesn't change every stanza. There also seems to be nothing relating to the title; I personally like titles to have some reflection on the poem, so you can gather some bits of information or a deeper level from the poem thanks to the title. I wasn't getting that here.
Overall, this was average. Readable, but nothing to grab me. To the point I was forgetting what was said in earlier stanzas the more I read the poem.
Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
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