The Phoenix
Will I live long enough to see her flay,
This world of bonds we wove so passionately?
Or shall pleas bring us back another day,
and save this heart a second casualty?
Though life continues after a dismay,
Her parting shall forever part thy soul.
Our star sometime shines bright as dying prey,
Like the crumbled ash of surrendering coal.
But through the ashes where I wept so still,
Stirred hope reborn, so bright and magical.
Her phoenix cry shed tears yet years to fill,
Thy emptiness to thou so casual.
O’ God keep death away from thy first,
For never shall I ever quench this thirst.
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First stanza doesn't anything striking about it that would require fixing. Very solid opening, flowing naturally in this format.
Using Part(ing) twice in one line is awkward.
From my interpretation, seems like you want to draw imagery of the Speaker being split by the action of Her leaving(?). Without changing the start, you could use the momentum of Her parting by adding a descriptor for how it felt when she left. Was it like being ripped apart, stabbed/sliced, etc. What does having parted soul mean to the Speaker?
Oooh, love the imagery of "Star sometimes shines bright as dying prey." Both cold in the imagery, but warmed through your description of it.
Using double descriptors is a little clunky, and crumbling ash is redundant as well. This line still great, with a powerful visual, but the first half doesn't add much to the second.
I assume you meant Yearns to Fill instead of years? Cause that's my only issue with your third stanza. The transition to the stanza is fantastic, and you really use the Ash imagery to full effect in the stanza(s).
[quote][O’ God keep death away from thy first,
For never shall I ever quench this thirst. /quote]
The first line confuses me. Who is God's first? If it's meant to refer to the Her throughout the story, it doesn't really bring her to mind directly, more just by elimination. The focus is unclear, and as a result the closing line suffers from having to build and rhyme off that lack of focus.
You have solid visuals that all build nicely on each other in this poem. Try picking one of those to play off of, it could bring focus and power to your closer.
First of all, I salute you for attempting and achieving to write a sonnet. I personally know how difficult and tedious (at times) it is to think of words that fit the specific foot and meter that you have chosen.
Second, I just noticed that a few lines are either lacking in syllables or the opposite. If I’m not mistaken, in poetry, we call a line lacking one or more syllables “catalectic”.
I would suggest that you check the following lines:
“This world of bonds we wove so passionately?”
“Thy emptiness to thou so casual.”
“O’ God keep death away from thy first,”
The last two lines I’m concerned with since they are truncated lines. I’m just not sure if this was intentional. The first line, on the other hand, has an excess syllable.
Overall, I enjoyed this piece. I hope my suggestions helped you. Keep writing!
- LaPetitePrincess