I've been often asked why I like to write Dark Poetry, I couldn't explain it clearly so I ended up writing this to help explain why. This is my own style of rhyming please refrain from commenting about it, but feel free to share any opinions.
A Murdered Love Poem
Her smile, unexplainable, mesmerizing, heaven,
Her eyes, irreplaceable, in this world we live in,
As my cup half empty, hers half full, together complete,
Achieving happiness, my princess, wishing life’s on repeat.
Taking risks, jumping around, and living life like no tomorrow,
Only she mattered, only her I flattered, ignoring external sorrow,
And if she’d go bad, I’d join in, as she went I’d eagerly follow.
Oh how I loved those mornings she squeaked by my shoulder “Good Moro”.
One night we strolled, at a park, between us stories rolled,
Bursts of laughter, but silence only after, a lame joke was told,
This time the joke was mine, turning away very shy, though it was fine.
A faraway rose, dashed, plucked it, and raised it to my nose. Beauty only she can define.
My smile grew as I smelt, a sudden scream, ground-shaking I felt,
Spinning around, a piercing pain where our hearts were bound,
For where she stood was a car, bloody trail leading far, was all I found,
With no second thought, I ran into search for her whose battles I fought.
An endless minute of search dragged by until I found,
Her crumpled corpse, I froze, screaming without a sound,
A non-stopping dreadful shriek imploded through my crumpling head,
Vision obscured by terrors, fears, rare crystal tears, forever shedding till I’m dead.
There is a lot of strength in this poem, the storytelling is beautiful , your writing style is very interesting . This poem makes me think of a poem in prose even tho there are rhymes , partly because it reminds me of a short story.
At some point you say :
"Taking risks, jumping around, and living life like no tomorrow"
I think the line would look way better if you added "there is" it would go as:
"Taking risks, jumping around , and living life like there is no tommorrow"
And I too think but that is only my point of view that you should get rid of the "but" in this line:
"Bursts of laughter, but silence only after, a lame joke was told,"
It would go as :
"Bursts of laughter, silence only after, a lame joke was told"
I think it's more fluent this way.
Anyway this is a very good poem and you are surely talented keep on writing
Thanks for the reply. Not to be rude of anything, but they were purposely made shorter to get the sentence structure right and the point across. Thanks though! <3
This is a very powerful poem you've written. I usually do not enjoy poems that rhythm, but this one actually entertained me. I can't really review poems since they aren't my forte, but I can tell you that I enjoyed this. Your word choices were very top notch and everything seemed to really go together in this poem. Nice work you have here. Happy Writing!
You seem to be pessimistic and she's optimistic..
You follow and she leads..
You're laid back and she's adventurous..
You're quite shy while she's hyper..
You're the inhabitant and she's your world..
You're grieving but she's looking over you from where she is..
Plus, she stays in your mind and heart..
All that happens have a reason.
This made me want to cry and i was shock at the same time; i was touched by your story..
Now, it explains the title and the reason why you write melancholic pieces but..
Be strong..
Have faith, it makes a difference -- better..
Keep going..
ll
U
Finally someone understood.
Toe,
I absolutely love your username/avatar C: -giggles- But let's get to this poem, shall we?!
This was a rather interesting, narrative poem. I absolutely love dark themes - I love reading it, I love writing it myself - and yeah - I enjoyed the sudden turn there near the end that brought about the more darker theme you had prefaced with. I also like your handle with language - I like how you are experimenting with flow, rhythm, and rhyme to achieve *some* kind of effect - I completely encourage this type of thing. There's definitely a neat little beat to this, so that's a plus!
And with that said, let's get to the improvements.
Technical:
This is supposed to be a murdered love poem, and I can kind of smirk and nod with acknowledgement when I consider the title, because you certainly do start off in a way that is typical of a love poem and then you "murder" it and deviate with tragedy and such. The only thing is the structure that I have trouble with. You have these long lines and these clauses and commas and it's very bulky.
Everything in poetry is purposeful. A poem with long lines means there is a lot of pause for reflection, it means there is a lot of philosophical or voice things happening - and I don't really need or get any of that with this. I think, actually, that this poem can improve by using shorter lines!
You have a beat and a rhythm and I can see how the commas are supposed to help with the pauses that you want to create - but it's actually more jarring than helpful. Try using line breaks to create the pauses instead, for example:
Shorter lines will allow this quicker pace that you have to match with your rhythm, and you'll see that I actually scratched out quite a bit to get that short line in there. If you're going to say her smile is unexplainable - then don't go on to explain it. Similarly, if you're saying her eyes are irreplacable, it's already assumed that it's not going to be replaced in this world. Leave out the clunk and the wordiness and stick with what's important!
It will leave a better impression.
Content
I became hooked in stanza 3. Everything else before that seemed like a prologue or prelude, and I wonder how your poem will read if you started from this point? I absolutely love this stanza though, because it's a real scene and I can imagine it clearly. Your lines seem to be a lot more crisp here as well. I would still use line breaks in place of commas though, so for example:
I would love this poem 10folds if you had breaks like these xD I tried to break where you had commas, because I feel as though you meant for there to be a pause in these places and by doing that, you actually end up with some very interesting and engaging breaks that move the poem forward!
Now, in stanza four - "My smile grew as I smelt" -> the smelling here doesn't work in context with the rest of the scene, which goes further to say that you felt the ground shake/heard a scream. Never, never, never sacrifice clarity for rhyme! Your poem may rhyme perfectly but it means nothing if people can't understand it.
The rest of this poem seems to be rushed after that part, almost as though you couldn't wait to get to the end. Which is kind of sad, because I found this part of the poem to be the more interesting part! I wonder though, maybe if you re-write from stanza three and go onwards, you may have more space/time to be able to delve more into the emotion of loss? No? Maybe so?
*shrugs* Just suggestions. In the end, you're the writer, and an excellent one at that. I look forward to seeing more from you
Keep writing!
~ as always, Audy
Hi, Toes.
It's nice to collide with something by you. Hahah.
I actually like your own style of rhyming, like you said; nothing to critique there, it was fairly enjoyable. I think it is essential for a poem to flow, you have done that pretty well, and that is the important thing. If I have a problem with this poem, it would have to be the punctuation. Some of the lines are unnecessarily long, and that is not very attractive. xD I'm a comma lover, but if you replace some of those for periods, for it would make your poem simpler to read
Also, here's a quick suggestion; I'd take off the "One night" from the third stanza. Just because it gives the wrong impression; it transform the magic of poetry, and makes everything sound like a diary/blog instead.
There it is; my grain of sand.
Keep writing<3
Hello! I'm here to review this as you requested.
I think I'll start out with the individual critiques and then I'll give you my overall opinion of your poem.
Let me first talk about your title. I feel as though your title, which clearly gives away that this perfection that is described at the beginning will not last, affects the impact that your poem has on the reader. By making the title less clear and avoiding giving away the ending, it could be much more shocking and emotional.
Now, on to the critique of the poem itself. For this part, I'll go through it stanza by stanza.
You begin with this "her", which immediately makes clear the relationship between her and...you, I guess. While this is good, I almost feel as though "her" needs an antecedent of some sort; that is, define this "she" before you launch into describing her features.
The second half of the second line, "in this world we live in," almost seems like a throwaway line to me, like you just needed something to fill in the space there. I would suggest finding something to put there that adds more meaning instead of just completing the rhyme.
While the third line is a tad cliché, I think it works. With the fourth line, I might say that what I said about the second line applies here too-- is this what you really wanted to say, or did you just need to fill in the stanza? Think about it.
One of my pet peeves is clichés, and "living like there's no tomorrow" is certainly one of them. Also, "jumping around" gives a strange mental image. If that's really want you wanted to say, then feel free to keep it, just think about whether or not it's really what you wanted to communicate.
I think that you could elaborate on "ignoring external sorrow" because it has the potential to be very revealing to your own character. I might use the third line, which is currently weak in my opinion, to expand on this idea.
I don't understand the fourth line at all, frankly. See if you can't make that more clear, because right now I just don't really understand what you're trying to say.
First line is great, as is the fourth, but the second and third....I have a problem with them. What are you trying to say here? In my opinion, while the idea is okay, it is majorly flawed in both structure and meaning. The word "lame" takes something away from the tone; it sounds more childish than anything. The last two lines, I don't know who is completing these actions, so I would try to clear that up.
Should be "smelled", I think. Also, with that word -right- next to the scream happening, I had to read it through twice because it seemed like you smelled the scream
The spinning and the pain are unrelated but in the same line; perhaps try to re-order how you experience these senses?
Watch that third line--you have two separate verbs there("was a car", "was all I found"), which makes a run-on sentence. For the fourth line, I like it, but I'd suggest looking carefully at wording. It's a little clunky, I think.
I love love love the first two lines. I think the third could use some work.
As for the end...I think that "till I'm dead" kills the emotion. it's too abrupt and sharp. If you left the reader hanging in the one agonizing moment it would be much more effective.
Overall:
Despite my seemingly harsh review, I actually loved this poem. The emotion was really strong and real and powerful, and I think that showed through very nicely. Your imagery was excellent, so good job with that too!
Just one more thing: the rhythm gets very stilted and off at some places, so go back through it. Maybe even read it out loud, and places where it doesn't flow nicely off the tongue are parts that need to be looked at. About your rhyming--I know you said not to comment on it, but I actually think that it works nicely for the most part!
Thank you so much for sharing. I hope this review helped! PM me with any questions!
~Devan
This poem was very well written. I would point out the mistakes (cause there are some) but I don't know how to because I'm new to this. I hope someone else reviews this, because this poem just need fine tweaking, and it'd be perfect.