The Black Hole She Is

Awesome poem! The flow was great, and the wording was better I really liked your description and you painted the scenes very well, but maybe use some more imagery, it would sound a lot better and the reader would be able to picture this more clearly.

The idea is kind of clichè but you pulled it off wonderfully, and so that is is not much of a big deal. There were a few flaws and I'm going to point out the first one:

“Deep in though"

Should be “deep in thought." Well, fortunately that is the only spelling error I found, so great job on that!! However there are s die other little flaws I feel I should point out.

I felt as if you asked to many questions, it jolted the flow and kind of had me feeling as if if maybe the story could have been orchestrated better with out all the questions, just a suggestion. As well, I thought the line:

“Overthink? Of them all the fairest."

Again you should have not asked two questions in that line, too many. And since you did, “fairest" should have been “fairest?" But these are not the problems I had with it. It sounds odd the way you worded it. I know you probably meant for it to sound lyrical, but you could have done it differently. For instance:

“Of she who is the fairest; Of her, the fairest?"

But overall great job...as always these are just mere suggestions!!



Keep writing-
Killyouwithwords

I'll start off this reviewing by commending you on your broad use of language. You took an idea and made it better by wording it correctly. While this is good, there are, in my humble opinion, ways that you can improve upon it. For instance, there are spelling and grammatical errors. An example of that is when you say "I don't matter if she doesn't feel the same". If you choose to say "don't", I think that it would be more ideal if you said "it". In addition, the ending was not as strong as the rest of the Poem. It wasn't a total letdown, but it could have been better. Try working on using more vivid imagery on figurative language in the ending.

Besides that, I have no others complaints/suggestions that were not already addressed. Overall this was a pleasing read.

This should be divided into four stanzas of ABCB rhyme scheme.

Hello!

This was a lovely poem. Personally, I like the darker genre of poems more but every one needs a change sometime!!

So let's get started, yes?

The idea was good, a bit overused in my opinion, but you made this well put together so this is great.

Try possibly changing this into stanzas so the reader can absorb what they just read and reflect on it. An example could be here:

"With each blink I'm enchanted,

A hex? Miracle? Or hopeful lies?

Like a spiraling black hole she is,

Falling for her, then sad goodbyes?"


You could make this into a stanza, because here it seems as if you are talking about yourself, and not your girl which is a different idea.


"If I still owned my old eyes,

They would shed its rarest

In this decision I struggle with."

What do you mean by "shed its rarest?" Try using a different word.


"Overthink? Of them all the fairest."

This line here doesn't seem to fit. I can't find what you're trying to say. Are you saying that this girl has no other match? Eeek.

"Cold eyes, happiness, calm,

Smiling is not enough to explain.

Nor endless speech, or written

Words on paper like falling rain."


LOVED these lines.



"Deep in though I realize,

All this is such a shame.

I don't matter if she

Doesn't feel the same."


I think you mean here:

"It doesn't matter if she,
doesn't feel the same."


All in all, it was good! A little tweaking and this could be great! IF any questions, feel free to message me!!

~ScandalousPhoenix

Hello Pickle! Let me start off my saying that I really enjoyed this poem. It did a great job of portraying love at first sight with great imagery and word choice. However, I do have a few critiques. The first part of the poem:

"With each blink I'm enchanted,
A hex? Miracle? Or hopeful lies?
Like a spiraling black hole she is,
Falling for her, then sad goodbyes?"

I thought was lovely. I didn't find any flaws. However the second part:

"If I still owned my old eyes,
They would shed its rarest
In this decision I struggle with.
Overthink? Of them all the fairest.
Cold eyes, happiness, calm,"

I didn't really get. I guess I don't quite understand what you were trying to do here. What did you mean by shedding old eyes? I also don't understand what is meant by the phrase, "Overthink? Of them all the fairest." Maybe to other readers these phrases will make perfect sense, but I just don't understand them. The third part of the poem:

"Smiling is not enough to explain.
Nor endless speech, or written
Words on paper like falling rain.
Deep in though I realize,
All this is such a shame.
I don't matter if she
Doesn't feel the same."

I enjoyed as much of the first. Great imagery and voice really shine through here. All in all I thought this was a good poem. I couldn't find anything wrong with punctuation or formatting. Other than the nitpicks about the middle of the poem, I enjoyed this piece.