The Line of Sea

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this fascinating poem which has the charm of using a lot of imagery. It also has the charm of saying things in an enigmatic or indirect way which makes the reader think. That is always a plus when writing poetry.

I also like the way that the poem strives to convey the concepts in an ancient way of spelling. But this was a bit too extreme for me since it interfered with my understanding. But that can easily be fixed.

As I read I felt as if I were being transported to some mythical time. Very nice! Very impressed with your imaginative ability and skill of conveying it.


My understanding

The poem asks how the pearls in the shoreline can shine without dimming the sparkle in a siren who was singing or is rumored to sing. The speaker imagines the siren in misery as she blames everything on him. Then he says that her beauty balances their sea of Salt. That brought to mind the Salt Sea in Palestine. Then she is said to be both sweet and a beast because she makes his dreams a feast of reality.

In short, all these statements are vague and as a reader I get the impression that the writer is trying to describe things in a very vague way in order to provide the poem with a mysterious aspect. There is nothing wrong with attempting this of course. I for one wish I were more skilled at writing in such a style and both enjoy and admire it.

Suggestions

To be honest, I have never seen this kind of word contraction before neither in medieval poetry nor in modern. So I am not sure whether it your personal innovation or an actual attempt at imitating some ancient style which escaped my notice. One thing I do know however, it made reading it with understanding difficult for me. Caused me to stop and ponder what and grope for meaning. Was that the intention?


1. The poem would be vastly improved if the strange spelling would be omitted.
2. Many lines are not iambic pentameter as the Shakepearean Sonnet requires.

In any case it was an interesting read with much fascinating imagery and I would like to see more of your work.

Hey elcuidador,

Shady here with a review for your poem.

I really liked the rhythm you had going in this piece. It flows very nicely and makes it easy to read, even though the Shakespearian nature of the words are a bit difficult to understand. Even so, I also enjoyed the word choices.

I like the old feeling of this poem, even though it's an original work. I am not great at poetry so I'm not 100% sure about what it's talking about, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. It seems classy and well-thought through. It's not easy to use those types of words and still find a nice flow, but you pulled it off very nice.

Keep writing!

~Shady

hi

I'm not exactly sure what your poem is about, but I really enjoyed the imagery and details you put into it. Like "unsheath'd pearls shine at humo'r" and "Alas, assur'd that thy beauty balances our sea of salt"

I'm not that intelligent when it comes to iambic pantameter, but im guessing you got it right, (unless if you missed something while checking through which you probably didn't :p)

I don't really have much to say about your poem except that i like the details in it and it is really interesting because the imagery draws you in.

I'm not sure if poems like this are supposed to be clear, but I'm assuming they're meant to be vague, so I don't think clarity is a problem right?

Your poem was very eye catching and sounded pretty
-Lolo