Loneliness

eek! you had it for about two lines, but lost it to the strict rhyme scheme. i haven't reviewed anything from you before, so i don't know if this is your usual style, but i do challenge everyone i meet who writes rhyming poetry to just EXPERIMENT just ONCE and see what their poems change into when they free the same material from the rhyme scheme. you find that you can say what you want to say instead of working only with the rhyming words you can find.

if you weren't so caught up in trying to rhyme you might, for example, see the opportunity to explain to us just what kind of loneliness this is. self-imposed? apocalyptic? normal, everyday modern loneliness? that will help get us an anchor for a start.

the next anchor we need is imagery. sights (or sounds or tastes or textures; light is extra powerful) will bring us into the concreteness of the thoughts you want to evoke. for example, you have empty seconds crawling by. give them life. do they make sound as they crawl? can you touch them and feel their emptiness? if so, what does that feel like?

what does loneliness taste like?
use every single word to build the tone and emotion you want the reader to feel.
you want us to, even if we don't at the moment, remember the feeling of loneliess, that stretching, dark feeling. you want us to remember that, so you need to use every word possible to build the tone and the intended message.

that being said, "a curse without words, neither spelt nor chanted" is strong. it was a strong beginning. it brings already a dark tone, like dark magic, and gives you a good starting place. you just got sidetracked with the rhyming.

let me know if you do end up retrying this without rhyme. i'd like to read it again.

let me know if you have any questions, too.
good luck!

Hey there, Toe. c: Euph here to review your poem, as you requested!

Let me start off by saying that it is clear that you thrive upon imagery and intense emotions that you pour into your poetry. And to your avail, it shows through clearly, and well.

One small critique I must make is that the first line in the second stanza isn't the clearest.. Though I understand what you meant, I feel as though it could have been written better. Perhaps through saying something like "Even with eyes, it continues to force me completely blind".

As for the second line.. The second half of it doesn't do much for me, I'm not sure why.. I feel as if you were to nixay "all those behind", it would not matter, since it is basically repeating what 'all those to come' sums up. Or rather, you could do without "All those to come and all those behind" as well.

Continuing on to the third line, I feel as if if you were to say instead of "Lies as in friends, enemies, humans of every kind," You might have more luck striking with your reader if you change it to 'Lies told by friends, enemies, humans of every kind,".

Into the fourth line, again, with just a little wordplay, I feel that you could fix the flow.. The wording feels odd to me. Perhaps instead of "Cries at all ends, tragedies, only choice now is to hide." , you could reword it to something more like 'Cries from all ends, tragedies, only choice left is to hide."

In the third line of the last stanza, I feel as though you could do without the "In this sad mess," . It does nothing for me, sorry.


Overall, it's a perfectly somber poem, one of my favorites at that.With just a few tweaks, I feel that this could reach its full potential of perfection. I hope to be hearing more of your work in the upcoming future! Keep up the good work, kiddo. If you have any questions, feel free to either message me or post a comment upon my wall.
Sincerely yours,
Euph

This is really good, it's very wordy if you know what I mean but it's brilliant. Well done.

This poem is too good because here you try to shows a actual felling of lonliness. You give a reader everything (Emotion,Felling etc.). Thanks for write this poem

Beautiful. This poem was terribly, terribly beautiful. You have captured this feeling of lonliness absolutely perfectly. It is not overly dramatic while still being packed with emotion, which is a rare thing indeed and I commend you for it.

As far as the nitpicks and details, I only have a couple things to point out. The first of which is that in the third paragraph 'hide' does not rhyme exactly with 'behind'. The second was mentioned previously by Macyblak, which is to change the last line in the first paragraph. The third of which is that the rhyme scheme is not very consistant. It is AABB in the 1st paragraph, AAAB in the second paragraph, AAAA in the third and AABB again in the second. While this may have been intentional (sometimes the constant ABAB is tedious to me, anyway) I figured I would just point it out so that you were aware if this was not your intention.

Overall I loved the poem and the organic feel of it. Very good work indeed. Keep writing!
- Pencil

Beautiful. I think you really captured what loneliness is, without making it overly dramatic, and i commend you for that.
One problem, though; in the 1st paragraph, the last line i think should either be 'Sanity's doors "are" closed' or Sanity's doors close".
That's my 2 cents.
Brilliant work