Long silent stares at her awing affairs,
Like… dusked dawns, prospered pawns,
Have I confused curiosity with acute apathy?
Her glorious glow or a destined death row?
A desolate dilemma, my crying Cinderella,
Hesitant trickling tears, evident filling fears
in her hurt heart, Must I crown him my consort?
Alas, allured allegiance by blinding brilliance.
Let us be! I whined, growled, whimpered
on, and groaned. All intone, conscious condoned.
Vanished regrets and vanquished frets,
Edged with ecstasy, timeless tether, for thee.
-ATA
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I like dark poetry but I want points so I'm going to review this anyway!
This is quite a passive first line. I like the content but I'd suggest re-phrasing it. Maybe something like:Specifics
1.
The stares at her awing affairs are silent
2. I think 'glorious glow' is a little over used or maybe too ordinary. Perhaps 'galleon glow' would be fun to play with or 'garden glow' or 'global glow'?
3. Again, trickling tears could be made a little more exciting. Maybe tepid tears or tyrant tears? Maybe hesitant could be cut as you're getting a little adjective heavy and that one doesn't add to the alliteration.
Overall
I liked the ending - no complaint there! This is a fun piece. I think you're occasionally a bit too quick to grab at words for the sake of alliteration and you lose some of the meaning of the poem. The rhymes are fun though and I like the way it flows and I think if you think a little more about some of the word choices then you could keep the alliteration and make the poem clearer at the same time.
Perhaps if you choose one imagery bank instead of pulling words from everywhere at once. Like fire based imagery or sea or weather or industrial machine-based or soft, nature based. Adding a theme will help to shape your content.
That's all I have for now! This isn't a bad poem though, it has some good language and like I said, I personally find the rhyming and alliteration fun, I just think it needs more framing.
~Heather (your friendly neighbourhood admin)
Just One Minor Annoyance That You Can Very Easily Ignore:
-"Like… dusked dawns, prospered pawns," the ellipsis bothered me a bit. Is the narrator wavering? Is he thinking it over? Why would he think it over in a poem? The purpose of it is lost on me, but still, I won't make too much of a fuss over it.
-"Let us be! I whined, growled, whimpered
on, and groaned." Just an opinion, but this one sort of irked me. Maybe it works for some people, maybe it doesn't for others, but the word "whimpered" isn't strong enough to deserve a beat.
I like this poem better than your older poems, evidently. It was emotionally packed, the vocabulary used is high enough and used in a proper way, the metaphors you've used also connect, so everything seems well off. Like the reviewers below me, I like the older feel of this poem to portray a very otherworldly ecstasy (hahahahahahhaa see what I did there), yet still manage to hit it close to home, at least for me.
But you do still use some strange metaphors and leave it at that. For example, you called your subject a 'crying Cinderella'. Considering the strangeness of the remark and how it isn't enough of an oxymoron to justify such an allusion, I think it would be worth trying to explain such an odd allusion. Expanding on it, having fun with your intentions and what you think of the subject.
But those were minor complaints. Overall, this was a beautiful piece.
Signing out for now,
--EM.
Hey elcuidador !
I really like the way you pen down your thoughts.
The way you carve down your feelings is nice.
You know I felt it's very traditional form of poetry and rhyming is good too.
A love poem AND marvelous penning
I appreciate your work and hope to read many many more.
Keep up the good penning.
Stay blessed
Hi
I'm going to give you a review.
I want to start by saying I really loved this poem. I adore the fact that you went with the traditional way using the rhyme and other poetic devices. It is true that when using the old traditional style the poet is more constricted, however, you managed to make it clear and cohesive and in my opinion it sets the poem onto a whole new level. I honestly couldn't find anything wrong with this piece, it is just so beautify written and well thought out. It is brilliant. What I am going to do know is break down the poem stanza stanza and tell you my interpretation of it. If that is alright with you.
The title: Really fits into the poem, love the fact that it was later on echoed thus making it relevant.
first stanza : The persona is looking at his lover in dazed way, he is trying to understand her motives for having an affair. He doesn't know whether to forgive her or love her. Should he accept her for her motives and forget? Will it destroy him in the end?
The use of the alliterations is all emphasize the whispers, the thoughts that are going on his head.
second stanza: The persona is confronting the woman and she cries heavy tears. For the persona the tears show regret. However, along with regret the tears for the woman show her acceptance of going back to her marriage.
third stanza: The persona is telling the doubts in their head to go away as he has accepted her. Finally they where back together, older but once again happy.
keep writing! ~RS
Hello elcuidador,
I'm Aley, and I'm here to review your poem.
First off, I'd like to say that I think you have a really good grasp on rhymes. I like seeing slant rhymes, and the alliterative tools like assonance and alliteration.
I feel like the poem is lacking something pretty basic however. It has a good flow, the rhyming is okay, not as forced as it could have been, but it doesn't seem to have a clear story. The idea and emotion behind the poem is lost in all of this beautiful language you've parceled together like picking pinecones out of the forest. It says things in pretty ways, but doesn't say anything at the same time. Let me show you how I interpret each of these lines and maybe you'll see what I'm saying.
a girl is getting stared at because she had an affair
like opposites,
The speaker doesn't know if they're curious or lacks emotion
Is she amazing or dead?
There's a problem, and someone's enslaved by their family
someone's crying
she's upset she has to choose him to be her spouse
Shiney things make better commitments.
The speaker is rebuking
a lot
fears and regrets are gone
happily ever after.
- Signature
So, reading over the actual language of the poem that a lot of sayings you have don't really make sense in the context of the poem. They have no introduction, and no place within the words. I feel like a lot of it is just slapped in there for the alliteration it provides.
Instead of writing for the alliteration, write for the story. Add in alliteration here and there, but don't bake it so thickly into the cake that you don't have anywhere to move. If we took alliteration as frosting, and substantial plot movement as cake, your cake would be all frosting and very little cake.
The only movement I can glean from this is that someone doesn't want to be married, and they aren't. Is that even close to what you were thinking of? First just write something that makes a good story, then decorate it with fancy words. I think that'll help you a lot better.
I hope this helps.
Aley
I don't usually explain but I believe you'd like it if I did:
first stanza (confusion):
4 lines = first letters L L H? H? = confused between love and hate
lost in observation, not sure whether approaching is right or wrong,
all alliteration used were contradicting adjectives.
second stanza (hazy but getting clear):
3 sentences = first letters AHA = slowly understanding
alliteration discribing the situation, somewhat of an inside story. an emotional dilemma, caused her to cry, unsure of love but sure of fear, wondering if her actions are right to choose him. and 'shiney things make better commitments' as you said.
third stanza (realisation):
4 verses = first letters make L O V E
4 stages of rebuking, somewhat of a chant, until gradually his concious approves of his feelings, disregarding all fears and regrets, 'living happily ever after'
I agree with how the structure was very restricted and it limited a lot of the messages I could've conveyed, but I still think that it isn't necessary for me to include any fine detail about the story, it's fun knowing/seeing how messages can be understood in in different ways.
The whole point in writing in this alliteration/assonance/old englished way is to give off that mysterious vibe. The less the cake and more the frosting makes it a little more satisfying to dig into and search for the buried cake.
That's only my opinion on the matter of course, I'm glad I got to read your review and I appreciate every bit of feedback I can get. I usually just take in reviews quietly making notes here and there, but I thought a little clarification would help. Thank you!
Hey, thanks for the explanation. I do appreciate it. However I stand by what I think you could do in the review. Poems without this level of complexity are just as good if not better because they allow you to search for the type of cake you are eating and when written about people, glean some understanding of how someone else perceives the world.
If you did this theme again without the complex method of burying your message I think your reader would glean more from your poem and it would hold their interest long enough to search.
That's just my opinion though.
Yes ma'am, I shall rewrite this sooner or later and take all your feedback into consideration. <3