A Diary from the Dead

Hello~ I was told to look at your work for couplet comprehension, so I am reviewing your work >3 I shall now begin.

My Main Problem: first stanza focus-So for me, the key things in this stanza that really stood out were that there were multiple deaths. I connected this to a car crash and I enjoy how wonderfully you paint a picture of so much destruction in just 4 lines. The annoying thing, for me, is that, we have, a lot, of commas to deal with. I think this poem would be easier to get into if you allowed things to flow from one line to the next as they naturally progressed as ideas. We go from "shock,"
(wait for it,)
to "a growing pool" and then we hit "which mock,"
(wait for it!)
"Their soon departure." (dun dun dun) <- but we already had the -dun dun dun- moment when we were wide eyed and horrified, so why are we waiting for the lines? Why take a pause there instead of clearing things up and connecting the single ideas, the single bits of key phrases like "which mock/their soon departure,"? This is a common theme throughout the poem, commas/punctuation at the end. For me this clockwork at the end is very annoying. Unlike-some-of the YWS society though, I don't mind capitalized letters at the beginning of lines, and I typically don't mind end line punctuation, but I do mind punctuation that doesn't matter in the overall scheme of things to me as a reader. The reason these commas don't matter to me is because I already know that there is something special about the word -mock- due to the rhyme, and that it ends the line.

I would also suggest using "the" instead of "a" for the determiner attached to "collision". I think it will make the thing seem more dramatic, like this is THE main event of the season. Aside from that, I love how well you put together your thoughts in two lines and how the rhymes seem to help tie things together. I'm going to be stalking the rest of your work now.

Hi there!
I think this poem was really good!
The length of each line seemed to fit each stanza. Also, the rhymes were nice and smooth!
Also, I understood it more. The poem flowed really well. And I really enjoyed it, Toe!
Great job, and keep writing!
~Kat

Hi Toe!

Cool, rhyming poetry! I was very interested to see a "horror" poem, and since it has rhymes, it reminds me a bit of Edgar Allan Poe, whom I love.

The first stanza is the most powerful in my opinion because of the delicious rhymes within the stanza, not just at the end of each line:

Eyes spread wide in repulsion, horror and shock,
At a growing pool of red, and multiple stains I dread,
A collision, deadly mixture of emotions which mock,
Their soon departure, leaving my head, as I’m dead.