To Our End

Hello again!

So I think you've got a bit better emotional output in the second stanza area where you're talking about what "you" do in this one. Compared to the other one, it's a lot less confusing. You're being more direct about what you want to say which is a good thing. I like that.

When you're working with a poem where you're scolding all of humanity, you really have to be careful not to alienate your audience. I think you might have made that the point of this poem, to alienate the audience. The reason I say that is because you're taking everything we're comfortable with and just being straight up negative about it. It's one thing to have a poem that reveal some "truth" that you want to talk about, but another thing entirely when you just want to complain and make it sound poetic. To me, this poem sort of feels like you're complaining about the fact that we have a hard time coping with death. You're accusing the audience of a lot of really negative things in this, which are usually positive things. What I don't like about that is that it makes the only way of being in this poem negative, and that's not going to be doing anything to help create a memory of the poem in the minds of the reader.

It is sort of like if someone tells you twelve things that are bad with a poem, and then nothing positive. You can discount it by them just being mean, well, same thing with this. You have some really beautiful ways to work with the words in your poem, and you're using a heightened vocabulary which makes it sound poetic, but you're just drowning the reader in negativity without anywhere to rest. A picture that's too chaotic just gets accepted as matt, or flat, you have to give the reader a raft in order to drown them or they leave.

So, compared to the last poem, you did a better job with the lines and the meaning behind the poem. It's much clearer, but I think you need to work on your tact of approaching a subject to talk about. Instead of working with it directly, try using symbolism, or imagery to develop an idea in the minds of the readers without saying it directly. This is going to give them an investment in the poem because they're going to need to use the poem to prove what the poem means to someone who can read it differently. It creates a dialogue about what you wrote and that, in turn, creates a memory of talking about it. It's a circular thing that supports itself if it's done right.

You also need to be careful about your word choice. I saw this in both poems I've read so far. You're using a heightened vocabulary that makes you sound very "school" oriented and it's not connecting you with the modern day linguistic features of English speakers today which is an automatic way to make you sound pretentious and thus, ostracized your audience. Words like you're using here should be used to highlight points in your poem. Contrast it with every day speech in other sections of the poem so that you have a sense of the poem becoming prettier and more eloquent when you want it to make a clear and beautiful point. That's going to help emphasize your endings and draw in your audience.

It's precisely put.I like the line "Hope, a false emotion man selfishly created" 'cause many people generally don't see it that way.Change is impossible in the fog of ignorance and that's what the mankind is in.You used a lot of imagination and vocabulary up there,so on the whole i must say this poem is marvellous.Keep writing.I too like writing about the change and the world but in a bit of an optimistic way.

Keep it up!

This is absolutely beautifully written. I think is displays mankind well-avoiding situations, pretending everything is fine, even when it's clearly all wrong. It's the stubborn way of human kind-to act like everything is just perfect. The line, "Hope, a false emotion man selfishly created," I really like that line, because I feel like some people are absolutely dependent on hope. I do think hope is an important trait, but is sometimes taken for granted. Love the descriptive words, keep it up!
~Prez. T

Hello! Tigerlilly here for a quick review!


Wow! This was obviously well written! The way you had the perfect balance of challenging words, the way the poem flowed together, and the meaning behind it... Its just really stunning! The imagery was excellent, and the punctuation really helped dramatize your point!

I cant find anything wrong with this! Keep writing, your awesome!