*This story is underneath my folder titled “V.S.L. (Vampire Spy League)”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1410. Enjoy!*
Charlotte didn’t understand why Cecilia lied to her. They made a pinky promise. Cecilia said she wasn’t going to hurt her. Why did she drink her blood? Why did she kill her? Why why why?
She didn’t know. All she knew was that it was dark, she was alone, and she was dead. Her parents wouldn’t be there for her. They weren’t there when Cecilia was.
But a clear blue sky was beginning to form above Charlotte. She could feel petals tickling her face, could see vibrant, colorful flowers sprawling all around her as she lay on the grass.
In the distance, she heard the voices of her Grandparents. They had died last year, in their sleep, but she didn’t forget the sounds of their voices. She didn’t think that she ever would.
They were talking to each other and then they were calling out her name. They knew she was there. They wanted her.
Charlotte shot up from the ground and started to run towards them, but her wings took her there faster.
Maybe death wouldn’t be so bad if they would be there for her.
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138,590 Literary Works • 672,176 Reviews
@WeepingWisteria @One2Three @kaitlyn you might want to check this out!.
Oh and it’s connected to this:
Young Charlotte’s demise
Ach, I have one more review for today in me, I think 😊
First thought is actually that maybe you could have made it more clear who killed who here: “Why did she kill her?”
I mean the context should be obvious but maybe being a bit more descriptive would have helped the story in general? More feelings, more trauma? =D
Oh that is such a good hint to the relationship to her parents: “They weren’t there when Cecilia was.” That the person who killed her was at least THERE instead of her parents ☹
I love this use of her wings: “Charlotte shot up from the ground and started to run towards them, but her wings took her there faster.“ 😊
Thx for reading! ^v^
Hi creeperfeverdreams!
This is my first YWS review in a loong time, so let's dive right in. I see your comment below that this is connected to a previous work, so I hope it's okay that I'm reviewing without prior knowledge!
To begin, I really like the theme you're tackling here--the idea that there is peace in death, especially if you're able to reconnect with ones you love who have passed on before you. While I like how some aspects of the story are mysterious, if some are expanded on a bit more, the reader may have a stronger emotional connection to the characters.
To elaborate more: I kinda like how we don't exactly know why Cecilia killed Charlotte, because really, we don't need to know. We already get the important bit: that Cecilia betrayed Charlotte.
I do think where there could be more details fleshed out is Charlotte's connection to her grandparents. This is about all we get:
To strengthen the reader's emotional connection to Charlotte, maybe consider developing this connection to her grandparents more. Here are some suggestions!:
1. "They had died last year in their sleep" --> maybe a descriptive scene of Charlotte's reaction to their death? How it made her feel, or how she found them, etc
2. "She didn't forget the sounds of their voices" --> love this detail! I wonder if it could pack more of a punch if in the line "she heard the voices of her grandparents" was fleshed out a bit more (think: show, not tell).
With more fleshing out of Charlotte's connection to her grandparents, that final line will be even more satisfying!
Hope to read more of your works in the future!
Rain