*This story is underneath my folder titled “V.S.L. (Vampire Spy League)”. Gacha Club character designs are underneath my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Eliza bent down on the ground, admiring the sight of the crimson, crawling ladybug on the grass. It was recess at her school, and she always made sure to bring a magnifying glass so she could get a better look at the bugs, particularly butterflies and ladybugs.
Any bug was a treat to see, but those two types of bugs were her favorites. They were so pretty! To see them was like getting a good luck charm, and everyone knew that good luck charms were magic!
All of a sudden, someone snatched the ladybug from the grass, as though it was theirs to keep.
“Hey! Put that back, you’ll crush it!” Eliza cried out.
The person who grabbed it was, surprise surprise, a boy. Boys always just took things, they liked to take things!
“No! It likes me!” The boy said.
“How do you know? It’s dead!” Eliza said. It was probably all crushed away because of him!
“Oh really?” The boy asked, opening his hand.
Eliza peered closer to look at it.
The ladybug wasn’t dead, only crawling about the boy’s hand.
“I don’t like killing bugs.” The boy said softly.
He hadn’t crushed it. He hadn’t killed it!
“What’s your name? I’m Eliza.” Eliza said, glad that the bug hadn’t died.
“I’m Marcus.” The boy replied.
The ladybug flew from his hand and back to the grass, next to Eliza’s sneakers.
“Want to look for bugs with me?” Eliza asked.
Marcus nodded enthusiastically.
Together, the two went off in their search for bugs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
This is a cute story! I really like the simplicity of the two characters, since they are children it fits within the story. The dialogue is realistic and also emotionally enticing.
Few things:
"look at the bugs, particularly, butterflies and ladybugs." should be "look at the bugs, particularly butterflies and ladybugs."
"particularly butterflies and ladybugs.
Any bug was a treat to see, but those two types of bugs were her particular favorites"
You use the word particular twice in quick succession, I'd suggest switching out the 2nd one.
But I really like it
I%u2019m glad you liked this!
Hello hello!
I love to see the passion you have for your characters. This is such a sweet little slice of life scene! I'm guessing the lives of Eliza and Marcus will be entwining in some way, and here you're showing us how they first met.
This made me smile! Totally something a little girl would think, with those exact inflections.
Aww!
Eliza could have been pleasantly surprised that the boy didn't kill the bug, but instead her primary delight is the fact that the bug isn't dead. First and foremost she cares about an insect's little life, and that goes to show that she has a big heart!
The dialogue here is on-point for little kids! They have no filters, and Eliza here is especially dramatic and emotional over the mortality of the ladybug.
Wolfi
I%u2019m so glad you enjoyed it! ^v^
As someone who is very picky about the names of characters, I think you chose good ones. The names really fit the characters. I like to imagine that the characters are young kids, maybe six year olds. Eliza seems very stubborn Which is a great character trait.
Glad you enjoyed and liked the names! Yes, they are around that age in this story. ^v^