Eliza Hammond’s origin: V. S. L. (Vampire Spy League)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well this is quite the little tale here. Looks like Eliza is an a much more different situation, thinking far more on what this will mean for her and not necessarily about the others in her life.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Eliza Hammond put the last of her black eyeshadow on. She was in a white dress with many layers and in complete black makeup, all ready for Prom. Her older sister, Cecilia, would be driving her and her date, Marcus, to school.

She looked like a ravishing nightmare, a hauntingly beautiful banshee, a fairy-like ghost.

Eliza smiled at the reflection in her mirror. The years had been long, but she made it through High School. Prom was the reward for her and many others, a gift that they all deserved. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Ooh well this makes things just a little bit more interesting, showcasing just how special that specific night really was to Eliza seeing how much value she places on it having survived through the difficulties of high school.

A knock came from the front door. Eliza got up from her vanity and ran down the stairs to answer it. Had Cecilia and Marcus arrived early? If so, that was wonderful! She was all set and ready to go.

Mom and Dad would have answered it on any other occasion, but they had left for the movies. They wanted Eliza to feel like an adult, to cherish the moment without her parents hovering around. Eliza was grateful that they’d leave her be, that she would get to live the time of her life. Pictures of her were taken early, so there was no need for that.

After much walking, Eliza had made it to the door. She opened it, expecting Cecilia and Marcus…

Ooh interesting, looks like we have a suspicious knock on the door happening before so we can now get more of an idea of the exact timeline during which this particular series of kidnappings must have happened on this fateful night.

Instead, there was a pale young man in a long, black, hooded cloak, staring at her with sad golden eyes.

Eliza tried closing the door, but he grabbed her neck and brought it to his mouth, where she could feel his cold, shaking breath.

“I’m sorry, but I have to do this.” He whispered.

Teeth seared into her skin, piercing her flesh, drawing out blood. The man had placed a long, elegant hand on her mouth, silencing Eliza’s screams.

The world had faded into blurred darkness, and then, there was nothing.

Ooooh I love how in both of these the person is really so apologetic. I wonder if they're simply apologizing for having to do this against the person's wills and is still excited for them to join the Vampire Spy League or is this person genuinely sorry about turning them into vampires too. Its an interesting question to think of at any rate.

Eliza opened her eyes. She was in a steel room with no chairs, sitting on a hard, dirtied metal floor. The man who had bitten her earlier was sitting in front of her, the hood pulled off to reveal the black curls that framed his half-dead face.

“Where am I? What’s going on? Who are you?” Eliza asked. She wasn’t chained up, but she didn’t feel like getting up. Not until she had answers.

“I can only tell you what I know. My name is Altair and I’m a vampire. You’re a vampire now, too. We’re both working for V. S. L., the Vampire Spy League. We’re all going to work in secret with dispelling the supernatural from the human world. We’re protectors, we do what the humans cannot. You’ll be seeing your friends again, don’t worry.” Altair said.

Well looks like Altair is being especially kind to her here, and it seems he's in person for both of them waking up so there's some sort of timing difference between the turning process or Cecilia just took longer to wake up because of the whole car crash thing. At any rate Altair definitely is being quite nice, I wonder if it's because she's younger an he's hoping to trick her into being cooperative or if he genuinely does care.

Altair put a comforting hand on Eliza’s. His words were being processed and digested by her mind. She understood, but it was still a lot to hear.

“Unfortunately, you can never see your parents again. They won’t accept you as a vampire, after all. I don’t choose the recruits, The Grandmaster does.” Altair said.

All in one night, just like that, she was a vampire? The night of her Prom, changed forever.

“Can I get a few minutes alone? I need to think about this.” Eliza said.

Well this is interesting, unlike Cecilia on her big mission to save her family, it seems Eliza is just too shocked about the fact that her big night that she looked forward to for so long is no longer going to be something she can have and she's trying to process this massive change in her life. You can certainly what her focus has been in life in the current moment.

“Sure, you can come out whenever you’re ready. Individuals who call themselves “Cecilia and Marcus” are waiting for you.” Altair said, letting go of Eliza’s hand and walking out the door.

So Cecilia and Marcus were turned too? Good. At least she wasn’t entirely alone.

But still, why? Why should it happen at all?

Oooh intriguing so this happens a bit later, I wonder what that means for the moment of Cecilia being led away there because this implies Altair just made her wait while coming in to have this discussion and then goes back out to tell her to wait more which I've no doubt would create a few moments of aggression from Cecilia.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall I think this works well to show where Eliza was in life, as well as how this league really conducted their business on top of how Altair himself tends to act. He really seems like one of the more intriguing characters in this tale, and his motivations to do what he does.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate

Salutations, curious mind!

Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!

Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my review magic! ✨

The Good Stuff:

First of all, let's talk about the parts that really rocked!

This was a nice twist to the V.S.L. series. I loved the idea of the prom along with the Vampire showing up at her door. The pacing was really great along with the thoughts you placed in there of Eliza.

The description of her dress was also an amazing detail, which I could really picture as a reader. Great job!!

I was really surprised by the fact that Marcus was her prom date!! It was very nice of Cecilia to drive them to their prom, I like that big sister vision you portrayed there.

Areas to Improve:✒️

The following suggestions are merely to help you improve on your writing and not to offend you in any way. Feel free to skip these suggestions, if these are not what you aim for.

For starters, I think you can add some more consistency to the story:
In the first part of VSL you said that Eliza didn’t quite know what had happened to her family or her, but that she was one of the great members in VSL. She was brainwashed perhaps, because she didn’t remember her past, but had a drive to work for her own best and finish what the humans couldn’t.

Also, she did not know Cecilia, her sister, was the grand master and the head of the organisation she was working for.
She also didn’t remember Marcus, she just met him on one of her missions and then they became friends.

However, in this origin story, you said she was aware of the fact that Marcus and Cecilia were turned too.

So Cecilia and Marcus were turned too? Good. At least she wasn’t entirely alone.

Don’t worry about plot holes ^-^, it happens to me too. This is just a little point, so you can maybe think about a different approach for Eliza’s thoughts in the end.

~~~

More Conflict:

Over here, I have the feeling that you can add some more conflict to the scene. Instead of Eliza just screaming, perhaps she could try to fight him or push him away. This scene could benefit from some more tension.

Before:

Eliza tried closing the door, but he grabbed her neck and brought it to his mouth, where she could feel his cold, shaking breath.

“I’m sorry, but I have to do this.” He whispered.

Teeth seared into her skin, piercing her flesh, drawing out blood. The man had placed a long, elegant hand on her mouth, silencing Eliza’s screams.
The world had faded into blurred darkness, and then, there was nothing.

After:

Eliza tried closing the door, but he grabbed her neck and brought it to his mouth, where she could feel his cold, shaking breath.

She slammed her fists to his chest, his head, but nothing worked.

“I’m sorry, but I have to do this.” He whispered.

She tried digging her nails in his skin only to be rewarded by his teeth seared into her skin, piercing her flesh, drawing out blood. The man had placed a long, elegant hand on her mouth, silencing Eliza’s screams.

She tried to kick him one more time, but by then the world had faded into blurred darkness, and then, there was nothing.

Nailed It!💐

You really got me there, I mean Marcus, the demon, this was great thinking. The fact that he was her prom date, was amazing. I loved that twist very much, awesome!

Eliza Hammond put the last of her black eyeshadow on. She was in a white dress with many layers and in complete black makeup, all ready for Prom. Her older sister, Cecilia, would be driving her and her date, Marcus, to school.

Overall Feelings:

This was a great origin story from Eliza, I loved the plot along with the vivid descriptions. Aside from adding some more conflict and consistency, this was a great read. I’d love to read an origin story from Marcus too, if you’re considering writing one.


Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!

Amazingly yours,
Amaya Statham– Be yourself and keep writing! 📖🎉