Jude’s at an odd place

Hello, Hello, I'm MothNBone, and I am here to hop back into some bite-sized blood chilling scares! it's been a good while hasn't it? So please forgive me if I still have some rust to shake off. Without further ado, I am here to give you a macabre moth-themed review. Let's get into shall we?

The Flame: What Drew Me In.

I have to say it's always hard narrowing down which piece of yours I want to review. Not due to the quality, as they're always up to par, but you simply spoil us for choice. However, I remembered that I read the part where Marcus was reacting to poor Jude's kidnapping and couldn't help but follow up. After all the setup, promised some real drama, and oh boy, they didn't disappoint. Honestly, I should have expected it, but that's one grizzly fate, poor kid. I mean, getting kidnapped was bad enough, but getting turned into a whole demon against your will is a new level of unfortunate. Yet at the same time I want to know more about the school and the whole process of turning someone into a demon. There is some good horror potential, I can sense it.


The Cacoon: What Has Room For Improvement.

This section is going to be super short, so dont fret, it's mostly little things. I kind of wish we got a bit more on the room since it's meant to be kind of a shock. It wouldn't need to be anything crazy, but at least a few basics, like whether it's meant to be a very small room or if there's anything in it, would be nice to know. Other than that, I only have two small line edits to recommend.

“Relax. We’ve made you a demon. You’re going to the School of Demons, where you’ll harness your power and protect humanity.” A man’s voice said in a speaker.

“Relax. We’ve made you a demon. You’re going to the School of Demons, where you’ll harness your power and protect humanity.” A man’s voice said from a speaker.

His nails felt strange, too. Longer, even.

Jude looked down at his shaking hands.

They weren’t nails anymore.

This was meant to be a review lol

Hi me again!!! Alr biggest issue with this is the pacing.
I understand that this is supposed to feel fast paced and confusing, but because you already write with a very fast pace, it just makes it feel rushed. To fix this I would suggest adding a paragraph between Jude waking up and the woman on the speaking talking. Also maybe spending a bit more time on Jude's transformation. I think your descriptions need a bit of work, and this is a good place to point it out. What color are his claws? are they still human-nail colored? did they turn black? he breathed fire?!? and it 'crawled back into his body' did it blacken the wall? did it tingle in his tongue? thats interesting! i want to know more about that, but you instantly move on to the claws.

It is also INCREDIBLY short! This seems to be a reoccurring feature of your writing, and one the reasons why I think you have so much stuff in the greenroom. You post a short snippet of a story, and then the next, and the next, until you have a decent amount of story, but in all of these different places. People tend to be turned away by Part 2s unless they have read Part 1s and titles that imply a large universe (for example, i've seen a lot of stories by you that are just 'character name's origin) unless someone has read the other parts, they are probably not going to click on the chapter.

This is all just an optimization thing, so its not necessary, there is nothing wrong with posting short snippets, but I feel like it will have you get less in depth reviews, or not get reviews and only comments. (YWS seems to be more of a literary review site, the a literary reading site, I rarely read things outside of the greenroom or without the intent to review, but that may just be me.)

Your stories are interesting. And your writing has improved since April, but for a lot of them there really isn't much I can say other than pointing out the same issues, some of which you have already fixed in your later writing, over and over again.

Hi me again!!! Alr biggest issue with this is the pacing.
I understand that this is supposed to feel fast paced and confusing, but because you already write with a very fast pace, it just makes it feel rushed. To fix this I would suggest adding a paragraph between Jude waking up and the woman on the speaking talking. Also maybe spending a bit more time on Jude's transformation. I think your descriptions need a bit of work, and this is a good place to point it out. What color are his claws? are they still human-nail colored? did they turn black? he breathed fire?!? and it 'crawled back into his body' did it blacken the wall? did it tingle in his tongue? thats interesting! i want to know more about that, but you instantly move on to the claws.

It is also INCREDIBLY short! This seems to be a reoccurring feature of your writing, and one the reasons why I think you have so much stuff in the greenroom. You post a short snippet of a story, and then the next, and the next, until you have a decent amount of story, but in all of these different places. People tend to be turned away by Part 2s unless they have read Part 1s and titles that imply a large universe (for example, i've seen a lot of stories by you that are just 'character name's origin) unless someone has read the other parts, they are probably not going to click on the chapter.

This is all just an optimization thing, so its not necessary, there is nothing wrong with posting short snippets, but I feel like it will have you get less in depth reviews, or not get reviews and only comments. (YWS seems to be more of a literary review site, the a literary reading site, I rarely read things outside of the greenroom or without the intent to review, but that may just be me.)

Your stories are interesting. And your writing has improved since April, but for a lot of them there really isn't much I can say other than pointing out the same issues, some of which you have already fixed in your later writing, over and over again.

This is a really great story, it's super awesome sauce. Honestly this could be a great concept for a longer story!! I do have two questions though... did this happen to you??? And how did they turn him into the demon??? Great story though!!!!!