Cecilia Hammond’s origin: V. S. L. (Vampire Spy League)

Well hello there, my friend! Ellie back again yo leave you another review today Let's jump right in and not waste any time:

Cecilia Hammond smiled as she drove. Marcus sat in the back, all sharp and proper in his black suit.

She was driving to her old home to take her little sister, Eliza, to prom. She already picked Marcus up from his house, all she had to do was pick Eliza up.

I enjoyed how you started this piece. Right from the first line, you were direct with setting up the visual setting of the story. This really gets me into the scene and allows me to visualize what is going on. After these introductory statements, we hear more of the back story as to where they are going and why. Great work being an informative writer and keeping us engaged! Seriously, I am blown away by how much your writing grows every single story!! You are awesome

Cecilia groggily opened her eyes. She couldn’t see much, her vision was too blurry.

Car…rain…prom…childhood…

Love you you wrote this part to show how groggily she is speaking. This not only has the words physically on my page describing a physical scene, but it almost symbolically represents what is actually happening and allows me to understand it even better.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Take me to Eliza.” Cecilia said, crossing her arms.

“Follow me.” Altair said.

I recommend you rewire these sentences to end with commas instead of periods before the brackets. For example:

"Follow me," Altair said.

For your convenience, here is an image that explains when to end with a period or a comma when using quotation marks! It confused me a lot when I learned so I thought this might help you, like it helped me!!

Periods vs Commas with Quotation Marks!

Overall, awesome work, as always!! Keep writing!

Your friend,
Ellie

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well this is quite a lovely little origin story. As sad as it to see poor Cecilia go through that, it does also do a there to showcase how strong her character is and how she continued to fight there despite everything.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

Cecilia Hammond smiled as she drove. Marcus sat in the back, all sharp and proper in his black suit.

She was driving to her old home to take her little sister, Eliza, to prom. She already picked Marcus up from his house, all she had to do was pick Eliza up.

College was nice and all, but there was more work involved. Deadlines had to be made, expectations were higher. Cecilia loved the productivity, the freedom of adulthood, but sometimes, her mind would switch to foggy memories of late nights at family vacations, running back to the hotel, the excitement of the day bringing brightly-colored possibilities.

Ooh well this is an interesting little start, just gently setting the scene for Cecilia and where she is both physically and where she currently is at in life and what's she's trying to do here. Its a neat little introduction to proceedings.

At least it was a rainy night. The rain pattering gently on the windshield made for a strange sense of nostalgia. Going to bed at a night of rain during the summer, her window a crack open to let in the cool air, watching a horror movie with Eliza late at night in her bedroom trying not to wake up their parents, and blowing out the candles on her birthday cake in the dining room of their grandparents’ house while the rest of her family cheered.

Hopefully Eliza will look back at this memory with nothing but joy in her heart. Cecilia thought to herself.

Well looks like that is in fact a pretty happy little memory created there. Definitely the type that you would cherish for quite some time to come, no doubts about that.

She noticed the headlights from another car illuminating in the darkness and wondered where theywere going, what stories the people in the other car had to tell.

Cecilia squinted. Was the rain fogging her windshield too much, or was the car getting faster?

No, she wasn’t imagining. The car was speeding, its wheels screaming on the gravel. She had to swerve before-

Oh dear that does not look good at all. We're clearly headed right into a car crash under some very poor weather condition. That definitely does not seem destined to end particularly well there.

Cecilia groggily opened her eyes. She couldn’t see much, her vision was too blurry.

Car…rain…prom…childhood…

When her thoughts finally cleared, she could see that she was sitting on the floor of an industrial steel room, a cloaked man who seemed to be around her age standing in front of her. Cecilia could vaguely see his pale, porcelain face and his electric, golden, cat-like eyes, so she couldn’t tell.

That does not look good there. Its one thing to wake up post a car crash but to wake up post a crash with a very random and weird looking person just standing over you is significantly worse.

The man bent down to her level, his lips turned into a frown, and said solemnly:

“I’m sorry I hit your car. The Grandmaster told me to. You have to understand, the Grandmaster tells me to do everything.”

Grandmaster? Grandmaster? Whatever was he talking about? Where was she? Where was Marcus? Why did her stomach feel so unbearably empty?

“I know that you’re confused, so I’ll clear things up for you: You’re a vampire now. The Grandmaster has selected you and your sister to join V. S. L. , a group of vampire spies who work to protect humanity. I’m Altair. You are?”

Oooh well that's one of the sketchier ways I've seen recruiting go down there. Looks like this is some next level techniques here to pick people out that they want.

So she was a vampire? No, that couldn’t be true. Vampires weren’t real, she was only dreaming.

Cecilia rubbed her eyes violently, trying to wake herself up, but the image was the same. The industrial steel room, the cloaked man who called himself Altair. Nothing changed.

She opened her mouth and felt around with a single finger for two sharp, piercing fangs. Her heart sank when she felt the unnatural teeth in her gum line.

Well looks like she can't deny that one unfortunately, fully vampire, although at least it doesn't look as bad as some of the other forced vampire transformations I've seen in these stories.

“I’m afraid that this is no dream. I’ve turned you into a vampire, and I’ve done the same for your sister.” Altair said sadly.

Cecilia stood up, the deep desire to get up, to do something other than pathetically sit on the ground in her veins. Altair stood with her, certain to keep his eye contact with her even though, upon realizing after she stood up, she was a good two inches taller than him.

“You have my sister? Where is she? Where is Marcus? What have you done with them?” Cecilia asked, pushing Altair to the ground.

Well looks like she's putting some of those new vampire powers to good use there as soon as she realizes her family could be in danger. You can see how much she cares.

He didn’t make a sound after she pushed him, not even a cry of pain. Cecilia pounced towards him, the urge to rip his throat out getting stronger and stronger, the emptiness within her screeching for blood.

She bared her fangs to his neck…

“Did you forget that I’m a vampire too?” Altair asked, his voice with a slight snake edge to it that she hadn’t heard before.

Before Cecilia could react, he threw her to the other side of the room. None of her bones broke, since she was a vampire, but the sheer force he had within him frightened her enough to stay where she was on the ground.

Well looks like Altair is definitely a bit more experienced in said powers there unfortunately, hopefully that show of aggression doesn't end up reflecting badly for her in the end.

“Eliza is a vampire, I’ll take you to her. She’s a tad more shaken up than you are, so it might take a while for her to come out. As for Marcus…well, he’s a demon. We’ve made him a demon. You might see him, but rarely.” Altair said.

He extended a hand for Cecilia to take, which she declined. She got up on her own, thoughts of Eliza and Marcus racing through her head.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Take me to Eliza.” Cecilia said, crossing her arms.

“Follow me.” Altair said.

Well looks like at least Eliza will be mostly okay and around even if Marcus might be a bit rarer to track down. Although I think Cecilia is definitely going to try and get all three of them to safety.

Once she found Eliza and Marcus, they’d get out together and forget about the whole place. They wouldn’t have to tell anyone what happened, ever. It would be their secret.

Cecilia made a note to herself to make an escape plan, to check for details on an exit.

They would get out. They would roam free. Why, Cecilia would die before she let Eliza and Marcus spend years of their life confined!

Especially Eliza.

Well that's a lovely bit of determination there to end on, Cecilia promising that she will somehow make this happen. At least for her sister. I think that's a beautiful note to end on.

Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!

Overall

Overall it looks like Cecilia was quite a caring sister thee and she remains true to that despite going through that forced transformation and that whole car crash and everything.

As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!

Stay Safe and Have a Nice Day!
Kate