*Part Two of my story “V.S.L (Vampire Spy League)”. You may check out the first story underneath my folder of the same name. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*
Chapter One
Eliza waited outside her apartment building, Marcus at her side. She wasn’t certain whether to go in or to leave it all behind.
“You have to see them. They’re waiting for you.” Marcus whispered.
Eliza remembered why she was there in the first place.
Chapter Two
Eliza crawled into the window. Marcus stayed behind, which was kind of him.
Her parents were on the couch, engrossed in the television program.
“Mom? Dad?” Eliza asked.
Mom paused the TV.
They turned around to look at her.
Chapter Three
Upon seeing her face, they rushed out of the couch and ran to embrace her with open arms.
“Eliza? Is that really you? What happened to you? Why are you so pale? Where is Cecilia? What happened?” Mom and Dad asked different questions all at once when they finished hugging her.
“See…uh…me and Cecilia were kidnapped and turned into vampires.” Eliza said.
“What?” Dad asked. Mom looked at her, shell-shocked.
“Yes, we were. Both of us were made to believe that we worked for V.S.L., a vampire spy organization. But we’re really just weapons for humans scared of the unknown.”
“My friend Marcus is waiting outside. He’s a demon, so he might display some…unusual quirks. Don’t be freaked out. We need you so that you can help Cecilia. If she sees you, she might come back to us.”
“Vampires? Demons? Eliza, what has gotten into you?” Dad asked. Mom shook her head in sadness, as if she lost Eliza forever.
But she hadn’t. Eliza was standing right in front of her.
“Please, guys? You have to trust me.” Eliza said.
Her parents shared a look, then they nodded.
At least they were listening to her.
Chapter Four
They were standing in front of the nondescript gray building that could have passed for an office building if it weren’t for the fact that it had a hostile, unwelcoming white glow around it. The glow was like staring at the sun, blinding to the eye.
Only Marcus and Eliza could see it.
“This is where Cecilia is. That building, over there.” Eliza said, pointing to it.
“Really? It looks like a regular building to me.” Mom commented.
“Trust her!” Marcus hissed, baring his sharp, animalistic teeth at Mom, who hugged Dad in fright.
“Please don’t scare them.” Eliza said. She appreciated Marcus’ help, but didn't want her parents to be afraid of the wrong people, either.
“If it works, it works.” Marcus said, shrugging.
Chapter Five
“Play along.” Eliza whispered to her group as they walked in the building.
Asura, the receptionist, looked up from her desk and frowned when she noticed Marcus and her parents.
“What is the business of these three?” She asked, pointing to them with her pen.
“He’s a prisoner, they’re the new recruits.” Eliza said.
“New recruits? I don’t remember a request for new recru-”
“Do you know who I am? I’m Eliza Hammond, the highest ranking member of this Insitution. Do you really want to test me? I could dispose of you in-”
“Apologies, Miss. My mistake.” Asura said, pressing the button to open the electronic gates.
Perhaps scaring people wasn’t such a bad idea.
Chapter Six
Luckily, everyone was minding their own business. Eliza and her group were able to reach Cecilia’s door. With a hand scan, Eliza opened the door.
It was programmed to only open for Cecilia and Eliza.
Chapter Eight
“Cecilia? Cecilia? Where are you?” Eliza asked.
The room was dark rocks, red velvet curtains. Closed off to the world.
But Cecilia wasn’t there.
Chapter Nine
“Eliza? You’re back?” Cecilia asked, appearing from the darkness.
Her eyes went wide when she noticed their parents.
“Come home, Cecilia. We miss you. You have the power in your hands. You can stay or go.” Eliza said.
Chapter Ten
Cecilia stared at them, eyes full of tears, full of emotion.
She walked up to a window and opened it. The wind rushed in, cold, fresh and true.
“Everyone, leave this place! There is a better world for you out there, do not stay! Fight those that keep you here, you are stronger than them!” Cecilia commanded.
Her voice carried out through the building, resounding in the ears of those kept in there.
Cecilia turned to face them, a wide, true smile on her face.
“I’m coming home.” Cecilia said.
For the first time in a long time, the two sisters embraced.
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137,625 Literary Works • 672,053 Reviews
Hey there Vampricone!
Here for a quick review ^^ I read Part One so I do have the backstory.
First off, I want to say that I think you have a good premise here. I think some other reviewers mentioned it on the first part, but the concept of the betrayal of VSL and the depth that could be there is pretty interesting.
Overall, however, I feel the depth isn't here for this piece due to how short both Part One and Part Two are. These seem more like chapters instead of parts, and your chapters here are more like scene dividers than chapters to me. When I think of chapters, I think of several pages long in a book about an entire scene or maybe multiple scenes revolving around the same thematic. I would encourage you to revisit this premise and expand upon it because it really is an interesting premise -- right now there's just not much here to go off of as a reviewer. My biggest recommendation is to expand expand expand!! Build off of this ^^
The story is hard to follow because it's so short. You have a great premise, so many ideas, and what feels like a full threadline of plot points here, but so much happens so fast that the reader is still stuck on the previous idea when a new one is presented. That's one of the glories of making stories longer -- you get to allow the reader time to digest plot points and create their own conclusions before you present them your own. This could very well be a complete novel -- or at least a novella.
You have a good beginning here. For me, this feels like a foundation for you to build upon. And build upon it I encourage!
Hope this helped ^^
Ho ho ho, CircusGrl!
Amaya here, ready to dive into the pages of this intriguing story. 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause we're diving into my Christmas magic! 🎄
The Jolly-Good Stuff: 🍭
First of all, let's talk about the Holly Jolly parts that really rocked!
Two sisters reunited is the energy I needed.
I think the fact that you made this a series is what keeps me waiting for what's going to happen next. You did an awesome job keeping the story flowing, I honestly thought it would end terribly.
I am so glad no one died (a part of me wants to say “yet”) . I am totally not criticising your writing style, please do not take this as an insult.
This sequel rocked!! I am so ready for part three if you decide to continue this series. I must say, Marcus is totally my favourite character. I love the way Eliza described him. You did awesome!!
A little more elf-help needed over here:✒️
The following suggestions are merely to help you improve on your writing and not to offend you in any way. Feel free to skip these suggestions, if these are not what you aim for.
Longer chapters:
I know I’ve said this a lot of times, but I think your chapters are a little short. Perhaps you could aim for writing larger chapters with some more description, eye for detail, emotions and depth to your characters.
I think your story is lacking a bit of that lively feel. Because you write extremely short chapters, I have a feeling your characters do not really get the chance “to live up to their true/full potential”.
The pacing & Conflicts:
I honestly love the idea of the two sisters reuniting, I really do, but I think it’s a little fast. Normally you would expect Eliza to go through some difficulties to convince her sister to come back, I mean it’s been so many years since she saw her parents.
Her sister could at least consider staying or saying something like,
That way there is a conflict that shows; “You don’t get a happy ending without walking through thorns on bare feet.”
This is just my way of expressing that maybe you could consider for other chapters to put some more conflicts in the story before revealing a shocking/huge twist.
Overall Christmas does come to an end:
I would definitely recommend you to continue this series if that is your wish. You revealed a couple of shocking twists already which made me as a reader curious to what’ll happen next. Apart from adding some more conflicts, adjusting the pacing and the length of your chapters, I think this was an awesome concept.
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
Amazingly yours,