Published August 17, 2026
*This story is under my folder “V.S.L. (Vampire Spy League). Gacha Club character designs are under this forum:https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic/117842-my-character-designs-lt-33-3?start=150. Enjoy!*
Chapter Two
Eliza lay on top of her pale pink bean bag, playing video games on her gray box TV. It had been hours after Cecilia had dropped her off at their house, hours after shopping for a prom dress and she wanted to spend it playing violent video games. Violent, because she liked to be a part of a war that didn’t hurt anybody.
Her room was a mix of the modern and the vintage. The walls were painted a cement gray and covered in posters of her favorite singers and movies. Lined against the white ceiling were pale blue LED string lights. There was a white shelf with withering books, another shelf with porcelain dolls, all gifts from her Grandma. Behind Eliza was her bed, with its gray blanket decorated with black bats. In front of her was the TV, with the video games and movies in the shelf under it. Right next to the TV was her white vanity mirror and on top of the vanity, with her makeup and perfumes, was the jar with the muddy white lace cloth inside.
The cloth where she used to keep the worms.
She had meant to get rid of the cloth a long time ago, but she couldn’t bear to throw it out, so in the jar it stayed. She used to keep ladybugs in there, when she was little. Marcus collected them with her.
Marcus! Did he pick out his prom suit yet? Eliza was going to text him when she got back, but the second she saw the video games, she had to play them. Maybe a few more minutes before she texted him.
A light ding went off on her cell phone, jolting her out of the flow of her video game. She swiftly grabbed it from where it sat next to her.
Marcus
Meet me at the lovak gas station. I think I found something.
Eliza stared at it. She wasn’t sure how to respond without hurting his feelings. Marcus always thought that he was closer to finding the truth when there was no truth to be found. He wouldn’t listen to her though. He wouldn’t listen to anybody.
You
Why are you telling me?
The music whirred in anticipation and suspension, seeming to count down the seconds that went by, like a bomb. Eliza hoped that she hadn’t typed the wrong words. It didn’t sound bad but maybe she wasn’t smart enough to realize when things did or didn’t sound “bad”.
Marcus
Because I don’t want to do this alone. Just come!
Alone. He didn’t want to be alone. Eliza was alone all the time. There was still time before dinner. She could leave to go see him.
She turned off the TV and opened her window, taking her cell phone with her.
Eliza would be back in time.
Chapter Three
Her knees burned from jumping out the window. She hoped that her parents didn’t hear her making the fall. The last thing she wanted was for them to get involved.
Eliza was walking through the far-off, scattered suburban area, where there were convenience stores and pharmacies, places tourists wouldn’t really think to explore.
As usual, there was hardly anybody outside. She knew that people lived in the houses, but she didn’t really see them walking around. They were probably inside or busy doing something else somewhere else. Eliza didn’t blame them. There wasn’t much going on in her town.
Except for Jude Grendel’s disappearance. He had vanished one morning from his room and Marcus was the only one who put out missing posters for him. It didn’t happen too long ago and already, the missing posters were beginning to rot away.
Marcus always thought that one day, he would find his twin brother. Eliza wanted to hope too, but she didn’t want to ask for something that would never happen. She cared, just not hopelessly. Marcus wasn’t like that.
They had met when they were both around six years old. The sun was shining so brightly on the blades of grass, making the leftover raindrops sparkle more.
There were bugs in the grass. Beetles, spiders and ladybugs. Eliza knew there were worms under the dirt too, squirming throughout the soil. But she wasn’t looking for them. They weren’t pretty.
She needed to put the ladybugs in a jar, in a place where they could always glitter. If only she could catch just one…
There was a boy a few feet away from her, clamping a ladybug in the palm of his hands.
“Hey! Put that back, you’ll crush it!” Eliza called out, for it wasn’t the ladybugs that deserved to be smushed.
“No! It likes me!” The boy yelled back.
Liked him? But the bugs didn’t like anybody! They always crawled away.
“How do you know? It’s dead!” Eliza said.
At that, the boy ran up to her, one hand still in a fist as he asked:
“Oh really?”
With that, he opened up the palm of his hand. There, the little ladybug crawled, unharmed.
“I don’t like killing bugs.” The boy said softly.
Eliza bristled a little. He didn’t say anything mean. Somehow it still hurt.
But she didn’t want to stop talking to him, either:
“What’s your name? I’m Eliza.”
“I’m Marcus.” The boy grinned.
He was the first person she talked to longer than Cecilia. She couldn’t just leave him behind!
“Want to look for bugs with me?” Eliza asked.
Marcus nodded and together, they went looking for bugs.
Together. They did a lot of things together. It was the four of them before it all happened.
Eliza looked down. There was blood on her knees, forming on her knee-high black and gray striped socks. She could feel her skin breaking away, threatening to cut open, but Lovak gas station was right across from her.
Her knees could wait. Marcus needed her.
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139,181 Literary Works • 672,481 Reviews
Hiya! Knight Spearmint of the Knights of the Green Room reporting for the After Watch. Let's jump right in :]
I like this line a lot. It feels contradictory at first read, but also poetic. It seems to characterize Eliza as someone with perhaps negative feelings that need release, yet with a conscience and a desire not to do real harm.
To me, "withering" feels like a strange adjective to describe books (what does a withered book look like??). It could definitely work metaphorically, but I think it would need a few more words to really sell it. For example, "books withering from lack of attention" or something would make it make more sense to me.
Also great lines. Eliza seems quite perceptive.
This is so relatable TvT I think it also adds to her character and shows that, though she might be naive, she's also thoughtful and trying her best.
Are you sure about that, Eliza? =-= Protagonists are notorious for being waylaid by adventures and thus being late to the mundane... XD
0.0 So is the implication that she thinks something (someone?) else deserves to be smushed?
LOVE this. The way the reader can understand that Eliza is probably feeling guilty for assuming incorrectly, but diagnoses it as feeling hurt because she is young and can't understand emotions that complex yet...
I think this is some of your strongest work yet. There were so many great lines that indirectly revealed Eliza's beliefs and personality. Keep writing, and have a wonderful day/night! =D
Aww thx!!!! I’m glad you liked it!!!
Okay, this has a LOT going for it. It feels like the beginning of a mystery where the reader knows something is wrong before Eliza fully understands what it is.
The first thing I noticed is how human Eliza feels. I especially like the little details that don't directly move the plot forward but tell us who she is. Her playing violent video games because she likes “being a part of a war that didn’t hurt anybody” is such a strange but interesting character detail. It immediately makes me wonder what happened in her life that makes that kind of escape appealing to her.
Her room is also really well done. The gray walls, blue lights, porcelain dolls, bats, old books, makeup, and the jar with the lace cloth all create a personality without you having to say, “Eliza is this kind of person.” The jar especially caught my attention.
> “The cloth where she used to keep the worms.”
That made me pause.
And then you connect it to Marcus and the ladybugs, which is even better because suddenly an ordinary childhood object has emotional meaning. It makes the reader wonder what happened to the worms, why she kept the cloth, and why Marcus is connected to it.
I also really like the text conversation between Marcus and Eliza. It feels believable. Marcus is excited because he thinks he's found something, while Eliza is basically thinking, *Here we go again.* Her response:
> “Why are you telling me?”
is so much more interesting than her simply saying “Okay” or “What did you find?” It shows that she's hesitant without needing a huge explanation.
Then Marcus says:
> “Because I don’t want to do this alone. Just come!”
That was probably my favorite part of the opening. It gives Eliza a reason to go that isn't just “the plot needs her to.” She goes because he doesn't want to be alone.
And then you immediately give us:
> “Eliza was alone all the time.”
That's a really good contrast.
The transition into Chapter Three works too. The scraped knees from jumping out the window make the scene feel physical, and the fact that she specifically doesn't want her parents involved makes me curious about her relationship with them. You don't explain everything immediately, which I like.
The town description also works because it feels slightly empty. There are houses, stores, pharmacies, people supposedly living there—but Eliza doesn't actually see many people. That gives the setting a quiet, almost unsettling feeling without you having to make it obviously creepy.
Then you drop Jude Grendel's disappearance.
That immediately gives the story a central mystery.
I like that Marcus is Jude's twin rather than just his friend. It makes Marcus's obsession with finding him much more understandable. And this line:
> “Eliza wanted to hope too, but she didn’t want to ask for something that would never happen.”
is really good characterization. She cares about Marcus, but she's more realistic—or maybe more afraid of disappointment—than he is.
The childhood flashback is probably my favorite section.
The ladybug scene is adorable in a really simple way, and it makes the friendship between Eliza and Marcus feel earned. You aren't just telling us they're close. You're showing us the exact moment they became friends.
I especially like:
> “I don’t like killing bugs.”
It's such a small line, but it tells us something important about Marcus.
And then:
> “He was the first person she talked to longer than Cecilia. She couldn’t just leave him behind!”
That makes the friendship feel much more important. It explains why Eliza follows him now, years later.
The biggest thing I'd work on is sentence flow. There are quite a few places where you have really good ideas but the sentence is carrying too many things at once. Breaking some of those sentences into shorter ones could make the emotional moments hit harder.
I'd also watch repeated words and little grammar issues. For example, “with withering books” sounds like the books themselves are dying, which might actually be intentional, but if you mean old or neglected books, you might want a different word.
Some descriptions could also be trimmed slightly. The room description is interesting, but you probably don't need every object described before the mystery starts. Keep the objects that matter later—especially the jar—and let the rest come naturally.
And one tiny thing: the line
> “for it wasn’t the ladybugs that deserved to be smushed.”
is intriguing, but it raises a HUGE question. Why does six-year-old Eliza think something else deserves to be smushed? If that's intentional foreshadowing, KEEP IT. That's exactly the kind of weird little sentence that makes me want to keep reading.
Overall, I'd give this a 9/10.
It has mystery, friendship, emotional history, and little clues hiding inside ordinary things. More importantly, I actually care about Eliza and Marcus by the end of it. I want to know what happened to Jude, what happened to “the four of them,” what the jar means, and what Marcus found at the gas station.
And honestly, that's what a mystery opening should do.
It should make me say:
“Okay. I need to know what happens next.”
That took me like 3 hours to write...
yayyy I’m so glad you like my odd little story!!! Thx for reading/advice!
Not a problem!