Published June 29, 2026
*This story is underneath my folder titled “V.S.L. (Vampire Spy League)”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=60. Enjoy!*
Introduction
Eliza Hammond was fascinated by her older sister, Cecilia Hammond. Cecilia was an adult. Cecilia could go wherever she wanted. Cecilia didn’t need to ask for permission.
Sometimes, Eliza wondered where Cecilia would go. She didn’t say much about her own life whenever she came to visit and she never talked to Eliza about it, so she was left wondering.
Cecilia would talk to her more one day, just the way they used to when they were both little. Maybe it would be after Eliza’s prom, when she crossed the threshold of adolescence to adulthood.
It was going to be in two weeks.
Chapter One
Eliza was rifling through the rack of sparkling prom dresses, trying to find the one that looked right to her. All of them were too colorful and she didn’t want to wear colors on her prom day. They hurt her eyes.
“You better hurry up, the store is closing soon.” Cecilia said from behind her.
“Okay? I’ll just borrow from you. You still have your old prom dress, right?”
“Yes, but I’m not giving it to you. Go pick your own.”
Eliza didn’t understand why Cecilia wouldn’t let her. They both had similar tastes in clothes. She would have liked to wear Cecilia’s old black dress. But no, Cecilia seemed insistent on wanting Eliza to pick her own, so she looked-
“This one.”
It was a white dress with many poofs and ruffles, stitched together like a cloud or a ball of cotton.
Cecilia walked up closer to her and peered over her shoulder at the dress Eliza picked.
“Are you sure? That looks like a wedding dress.”
“No it doesn’t. It’s just white. You said that I could pick whatever I wanted, so-“
“Fine. Go and pay for it.”
Eliza grabbed the dress off the rack and walked up to the register. Yes, she liked that Cecilia was accompanying her, but she didn’t need to make that kind of comment. It wasn’t her prom day.
It was Eliza’s and she was going to do whatever she wanted.
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
Eliza watched the cars drive by as Cecilia took her home. The dress was in a box that stayed securely in the trunk. One day, she would drive just like her sister did. She’d truly be free then.
She liked that her dress was white. It reminded her of the worms she used to take to her room. Whenever it rained, she would scoop up worms in her hands and place them on a white silk cloth with a lace brim, then wrap them up tightly. They’d be deflated strings of flesh the next day.
The first time she did it, she didn’t have the good sense to know that the worms would die. But she kept doing it again and again. Eliza didn’t even know why. There was something about taking something so small and keeping it for safekeeping, something about holding something that used to be alive, that made her feel like she was safe. The dead worms were her guardians against bad dreams.
She didn’t do it anymore. There were a lot of things she didn’t do anymore. Her parents said it was a good thing, because she was growing up, becoming more mature. But it just felt like she was morphing into an unrecognizable creature, like her soul was changing beyond her control. Sometimes, when she lay in bed, she thought that parts of her were slipping…slipping away…
The car’s tires rolled on the driveway and Eliza was shaken out of her thoughts, looking up at her house.
If only Cecilia would come inside with her.
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138,958 Literary Works • 672,362 Reviews
Okay, this is very interesting.
I feel suspicious towards Cecilia. She seems strange, and a bad influence to be around. I think whatever she does that Eliza is unaware of is something bad. Also, about that black dress. Either it is enchanted/cursed or something (that only Cecilia could wear it or that it had a gift that it gives to the wearer) or that Cecilia is just really mean. Both of those speculations seem possible.
I don't even know what to say about the worms thing. That's just so weird and also mean to the worms. Although, it can be a good thing to give characters odd traits, so I don't quite know where I stand on this.
Also, I found myself wondering multiple times how old they are. Eliza seems to be old enough to have some common sense, but she doesn't quite act like an adult. I'd guess she is about 12. But the becoming an adult thing after the prom is kind of strange. So, I guess I'd like more information on that.
Overall, this is a promising story. Keep it up!
-CherryScriptAMK <<3
Eliza is sixteen and Cecilia is in her 20s. She views prom as being an “adulthood” experience and highly idolizes it/her sister.
Thx for reading/advice!
Hmm maybe this one will work better for me, it is much longer after all =D
I like this character note!Although right in the first sentence… I feel like it’s v unnecessary to also add Hammond to Cecilia. Unless her last name is different from Eliza, why mention that she’s ALSO having the same last name? @.@
Hm usually these introductory sections work really well for your stories, but this one was especially repetitive and I feel like “It was going to be in two weeks” is kinda.. I don’t, to introduce this big event, the sentence itself doesn’t really flow well with the rest of the section imo.
As an aside, I’m sad that you didn’t try and implement the dialogue punctuation tips. I know I haven’t mentioned them in a while… but it’s still sad.
Hmm I feel like there is a sentence missing after the “It” here?
Why do I suddenly have to imagine one of the creepy outfits that permeate your stories, when you describe this “stitched together” look of the not-wedding dress =D
*reads on* Ahh that’s why:
But peculiar that the worms she find are white. The ones I collected as a kind were all kinda pink? Nvm, she… did more stuff with the worms than I did lol Aiaiaiai, that is something the parents should have picked up on and told her that this is animal cruelty ☹
Ohh that is a scary way to describe puberty:
And I can see why she phrases it like that… Oh ye.
Is this part of any ongoing story line or is this a completely new story? 😊
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
It’s part of a series but it’s a longer version of the main character’s origin story.
hello there creeper!
I think this is a really interesting opening, especially because Eliza already feels like a character with a clear inner world. The idea that she looks up to Cecilia because Cecilia represents adulthood and freedom is interesting to me, and it gives the story a strong starting point. I also like how prom is used as a symbol here - to Eliza, it is not just a school event but a doorway into being older. That makes her choice of dress matter more than just shopping for prom. The white dress being compared to a cloud or cotton is a nice image, and Cecilia saying it looks like a wedding dress is a very sisterly choice.
The strongest part, to me, is the car scene though. Eliza watching the road and thinking about driving one day gives us a simple yet meaningful image of wanting freedom. Then the memory about the worms is surprising in a memorable way. I think it tells us that Eliza has always had a strange relationship with safety and control, without simply saying she is "strange." I also think the sentence about her feeling like she is "morphing into an unrecognizable creature" is very good because it captures how scary growing up can feel -> it makes adolescence feel a little body horror-ish, which fits the tone really well. Is that intentional?
My main suggestion would be to clean up the writing a little so the ideas shine more clearly. There is one unfinished sentence: "It was a white dress with many poofs and ruffles, stitched together like a cloud or a ball of cotton. It" - that just needs to be completed or removed. Some sentences could also be smoother, like the one about Cecelia not talking about her life when she came to visit, which could be made to sound more natural. Why does she remain private? If she has a positive relationship with Eliza, wouldn't she open up to her more? I like that she's left a little vague, but I don't understand why she is.
Overall, though, this is a strong start with a lot of personality! I'm really curious about Eliza and would love to see her develop over the course of this story!
best,
cocteau
Thank you for reading. Yes, it%u2019s intentional. It%u2019s a body horror experience for Eliza to be growing up, which I felt was important to portray here.