*Part One of a story I’m making! This is under my folder “V.S.L. (Vampire Spy League)”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*
Chapter 1
Eliza was a member of V.S.L. Even though she was sixteen years old and just beginning to learn how to be a vampire, she was the best member around.
Police took care of the crime that was done by humans. But V.S.L. took care of things that cannot be taken care of by humans.
Eliza was called by The Grandmaster to go on a mission. The Grandmaster was a cloaked figure, never seen. Nevertheless, everyone listened to The Grandmaster.
“Eliza? There is a human criminal wreaking havoc on the world and you are our only hope.Can I count on you to protect those measly humans?” The Grandmaster asked.
“You can always count on me.” Eliza said.
Chapter 2
Eliza was in a cold, dark alleyway. Night had fallen, most of the humans were asleep.
Marcus was the demon she had to defeat. He was going to explode the Eiffel Tower with just a pebble from his very own skin.
The police could never get to him, so his fate was in Eliza’s hands.
Eliza snuck into the shadows, where Marcus hid. He felt safe hiding, just like she did. But unlike her, he attacked the world. He hurt others.
Or did he? The memory was foggy, stained. The Grandmaster only told her so much…
Chapter 3
Eliza snatched Marcus, who writhed and hissed in her grasp. He wanted to escape, but she couldn’t let him.
Why couldn’t she let him? Was there a reason?
Of course, to protect the humans.
Chapter 4
“Let me go! Now!” Marcus howled.
“I can’t. You’re going to kill all of those humans, I can’t let you do that.” Eliza said.
A vampire bite wouldn’t kill him, but if she slashed his neck with her claws, it would hurt.
“Kill the humans? Kill the humans? Do you realize how ridicoulous that sounds?”
Eliza let go of him. Nothing felt right. Nothing made sense.
“You’re a member of V.S.L, aren’t you?” Marcus asked.
“Yes.” Eliza said, feeling a certain strangeness in the air.
“I used to be there until I realized that it was all a lie.”
“A…a lie?” Eliza asked.
It couldn’t be a lie. It was everything she knew, it was her whole life.
“Yes, a lie. V.S.L isn’t real. It’s a place where humans lock away supernatural creatures and make them blindly attack others. They take away your memory, so you don’t remember anything from your real life. For me, it was called: “The School of Demons.” For you, it was: “V.S.L.” It is different for everyone, but no less of a deception. I can see your mind, I know who you are.”
“You have to leave.” Marcus warned.
And with that, he disappeared.
Chapter 5
Eliza held her hands, trying to block out the screaming thoughts.
First she was bitten, then she was taken away to a cell.
Injected with poison, made to kill.
It was the humans who sent a vampire to bite her, she remembered.
The vampire looked at her with sad eyes before he sunk his teeth into her neck.
It really was a lie.
Chapter 6
“So now you know the truth.” A voice said behind her.
Like pinpricks, the realization crawled into Eliza.
It was The Grandmaster, but it was also her…her sister! They took Cecilia too, they brainwashed her!
Chapter 7
Eliza turned around to face Cecilia, the girl hiding in the cloak.
“Cecilia, please. It’s not your job to protect them. Let’s go home, our parents are waiting for us.”
“We’re vampires, they’re humans. We can’t come home to them.” Cecilia said, voice flat.
Chapter 8
“They’re our parents, they’ll still love us.”
“No, they won’t.”
“Cecilia!” Eliza called out. She couldn’t lose her sister again, not after she just found her.
But Cecilia just disappeared into darkness, heeding the call of their captors.
Chapter 9
“We can still help her.” Marcus said from behind her.
“You were here this whole time?” Eliza asked. She thought that Marcus left her alone, in the growing shadows with her worrisome thoughts.
Well, at least she had someone. Even if he lurked around like a watching stalker. He had good intentions, she hoped. Eliza didn’t know who to trust anymore. Her own sister was lost to evil.
“Yes, this is my home. Now, as I was saying, I have a way to help her.” Marcus said.
“Let’s hear it!” Eliza said, excitement and enthusiasm immediately flowing in her veins. If he were actually lying to her, she would deal with him. At the moment, she wanted to give him a chance.
She needed someone on her side, someone who would help the person she loved.
Please, universe. I don’t want anymore lies, I don’t want to be hurt again. Please, universe. I want to be right in my judgement. Eliza pleaded desperately in her mind.
Hopefully someone or something was listening.
Chapter 10
“We have to find your parents. Seeing them might convince her to turn around.” Marcus said.
“That’s it?! That’s all we have to do?” Eliza asked. It sounded so simple, so easy to do. Eliza just couldn’t believe it. That was all they had to do for an organization that turned Cecilia and Eliza into vampires and made them mindless soldiers?
“Well, that’s the gist of it. We have to make sure your parents aren’t afraid of us, which might never work. Even if it does work, we would have to sneak them into the building so that no one would notice. Not only that, but there are supernatural creatures that might just…eat them.”
“But that's all that we’ve go to dot?” Eliza asked carefully.
“It is.” Marcus said.
Eliza threw her hands up in the air out of frustration, loss, and anger. She was lied to and taken away from her family. She could lose them all in the blink of an eye.
But if it was the only way to bring them together, then it was worth a try. She would never know if she didn’t at least try.
“Let’s do it.” Eliza said.
She wasn’t just blindly following orders anymore, she was doing it for a purpose.
Eliza was going to save her family.
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Hello hello! I hope you're having a good day/night.
For starters, you're presenting a really unique idea here. The whole concept of an organization harming their own people to do dirty work they don't want to do is super cool; really highlights how cruel humans can be. I'm a sucker for overthrowing corrupt organizations, and I'm excited to see how this part hinted at that happening! At least for me anyway.
I'm a big fan of this line in particular because it further highlights what I like so much about this concept. The vampire being described as sad as he was following his orders makes me feel a little bad for everyone involved here and reminds me of people in militaries doing things their morals don't want them to. "I'm just following orders" is a deadly statement.
One of the biggest critiques I can give for these ten chapters is to drag the plot out a little bit. I hate slow burn stories that take forever to get to the point as much as the next guy, but moving forward too quickly can miss out on important character development and making vital plot points hit as hard as they should. Eliza finding out the biggest aspect of her life is a lie and that her sister is the one running it should be a super big twist that makes the reader gasp in shock, but it was kind of treated like just another sentence if that makes sense. I think additional chapters that talk about Eliza's life with the V.S.L. and going into deeper detail in her thoughts and feelings can really fill up the potential it's offering right now.
All in all, I'm eager to see what you have in store for Eliza and Marcus. We know what their plan is, but plans do have a habit of never working like they should. Eliza's sister is a character I hope to see more, hopefully as a villain slowly redeeming themselves. She just doesn't seem like the type to willingly hurt her family if they ever meet again. I also hope to see some more explanation on her backstory; how did she the Grandmaster? Was it a willing decision? There are so many things I'm eager to find out! In the previous review, I noticed how you said a part two was coming soon, so I wait for when the time comes.
Happy writing!
Salutations, Vampricone!
Rinisha is back here and ready to review 📚!
Buckle up, 'cause this is going to be a bumpy ride. I’m going to keep it short alright!✨
All in all
This party rocked, let's take a quick look!
You know, I think I finally figured out why your username is called Vampricone. This vampire story is dope! I love this first part, I would definitely recommend you to continue it. The twist near the end though, it was just next level.
So if I understand this right, VSL is runned by humans that make other humans into bad creatures, like Vampire and Demons.
The first twist, I understand. I was like, this is going somewhere, I like it. But the fact that her sister was the actual bad guy, The Grandmaster under the cloak in disguise. Wow! That was just next level cool. You did some great thinking over there.
I am very excited to see what journey you have cooked up for Eliza and Marcus (btw Love the name Marcus <333) You already made a strong start and the name of the VSL, good job.
I will look out for the second part! I wonder what will happen now she figured both things out already.
Spoiler
I think if you make your stories more longer and just add some more suspense in it before revealing twist after twist you can make the story longer and even more interesting.
Anyways, this was a great start with amazing characters and wowsome twists. I would definitely suggest you continue it, if that is your wish!
Have a nice day or night further! Keep writing! You are amazing!
A part two is coming, do not worry.
Glad you enjoyed. :>