Young Writers Society

*critiques rewrite... because rewrites are better*

Wow... this is something I can really identify with. It sounds just like something my novel's main character would say. And I feel totally lame for bringing my own work into a critique of yours, but that's what it reminded me of. Lol. Sorry. xD

The concept fascinates me. I could stare at this all day. *strokes*

It's eloquent, if you ask me. Tells a story the way a poem should -- through metaphor and meter and whatnot. Very well-written. Very well done piece. ^_^ Gold star worthy, definitely.

*gasp* One more critique! Thanks bunches for all your help!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Haha, thanks guys. I do appreciate the comments but this poem is from 2006 and my poetry style has changed drastically in the past two years! I love you guys, but I have a bunch of new stuff that would benefit much more from the crits.

Thanks loves!

I'm only going to edit the rewrite, since I'm assuming that's what you want.

A chance to be on my own
A chance to live out dreams
A chance to find happiness--
Or a chance for complete failure

Go back to the world where I blend in;
Back to the town of crazies.

They, too, have moved-on.
Why this world of despair?

I prefer the original poem to the rewrite - somehow the rewrite just seems wrong.

Sometimes you feel
like you’re so out of place,
you wanted a homerun…
but you’re stuck on first base.

But you can’t shake that feeling…
you’ve made a mistake.

“Go back home”,
the thought consumes your mind
But no one is there…
you’ve been left behind.

So you decide to stick it out,
waiting for things to feel just right.

Some of the word choices in the lines bothered me; if I had been reading it aloud, I would have tripped on some of these phrases such as "it's exactly what you dreamed" in the first stanza. In this case, it might be because exactly has three syllables while it is places in the midst of words that only have one or two. In the last stanza as well, "So you decide to stick it out" has alot of words that are only one syllable, and there are alot of d's and t's within the words, punctuating them and separating them more.To me, it made these lines seem cluttered. Similarly, the very last line has words of only one syllabal each, making it seem lacking something. The line "But you know your purpose here" is without any hard sounds after the initial word, making it seem drawn out.

I like the meter of the poem and I think the message works well for a younger audience.

-Amelia

This poem flows well and I enjoyed reading it aloud. The only sentence that stuck out ot me and seemed out of place was "Go back home"
It seemed shorter than the others. I really like your work

Wow, you've impressed me again.

What I liked:

"you wanted a homerun
but you are stuck on first base."

I like the imagery you've given here, linking it to a game.
It was clever,

"And as the darkness spills over"

I like this too, reminds me of ink spilling or something.

What I didn't like so much:


"Go back home"
This line was a bit short compared to others and kind of.. stuck out a bit.

Other than that

trix xx

thanks.

I actually took the gist of this poem and rewrote it completely and reposted it today--take a look please?

Thanks guys!

Some of the sentence structure was indeed awkward. It was a great poem, and I personally thought the flow wasn't that bad. But you had a couple of sentences that just weren't...right. An example would be:

waiting for things to feel just right.

“Go back home”,

hello there.

all right. even if you're trying to rhyme, like Snoink said, you shouldn't let the flow of it be disturbed. the way you made the poem rhyme forced you to rearrange the words... and it made the sentence sound awkward. also like Snoink said, try reading this aloud and see what you can do to make it sound smoother.

i hope this helps,

I think that it's perhaps a little too simple. That is, I think you're rhyming it too much. This might not be so bad, but the flow sounds so wrong. Try reading it out loud and then get someone to read it out loud for you. Does the poem flow like water, or does it seemed to be almost stuttered? In my case, it's more of a stutter, and that's not good. If you want simplicity, you have to aim for something that reads well -- not just for a rhyming scheme.

Now, let's look at the actual subject. The thoughts from the poem look scattered. These two stanzas:

But you know your purpose here,
or at least what you used to want.
All these thoughts swirl ‘round…
even your dreams they haunt.

You know this is a step
that you are meant to take.
But you can’t shake that feeling…
you’ve made a mistake.

This piece flows beautifully! It has a definite meaning instead of tying a few rhyming words together. The lines intertwine gracefully, with no force.

If it sounds weird at all, here is where I'd look:

But you know your purpose here,
or at least what you used to want.

I thought is was a very meaningful poem. I can definetly feel what your trying to say.

Nice poem!