Traveling Light
This is what you wanted
it’s exactly what you dreamed,
but it feels like something’s wrong…
not as perfect as it seemed.
Sometimes you feel
like you’re so out of place,
you wanted a homerun…
but you’re stuck on first base.
But you know your purpose here,
or at least what you used to want.
All these thoughts swirl ‘round…
even your dreams they haunt.
You know this is a step
that you are meant to take.
But you can’t shake that feeling…
you’ve made a mistake.
“Go back home”,
the thought consumes your mind
But no one is there…
you’ve been left behind.
So you decide to stick it out,
waiting for things to feel just right.
And as the darkness spills over…
you pray for the light.
REWRITE
Independence was the wish
Made on a tender turkey bone
For freedom offered such release
Away from that suffocating town;
A chance to be on my own
A chance to live out dreams
A chance to find happiness--
Or a chance for complete failure
It’s been three weeks,
The solitude is too much.
Others have made the shift
Without the smallest whimper;
Taken off hometown camouflage,
Put on new-town pride,
Become a part of this world.
I’m a bruise on pale skin—
Standing amidst the green and white
Covered in purple from head to toe.
Maybe expectations were too high,
It’s time to reconsider.
Go back to the world where I blend in;
Back to the town of crazies.
No, there is no one there.
They, too, have moved-on.
Why this world of despair?
There must be something here.
Content can’t be far.
Not as far as it was before.
So I’ll search once more,
For the happiness I desire.
And as the darkness spills over
I’ll pray for the light.
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
*critiques rewrite... because rewrites are better*
Wow... this is something I can really identify with. It sounds just like something my novel's main character would say. And I feel totally lame for bringing my own work into a critique of yours, but that's what it reminded me of. Lol. Sorry. xD
The concept fascinates me. I could stare at this all day. *strokes*
It's eloquent, if you ask me. Tells a story the way a poem should -- through metaphor and meter and whatnot. Very well-written. Very well done piece. ^_^ Gold star worthy, definitely.
*gasp* One more critique! Thanks bunches for all your help!
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate
Haha, thanks guys. I do appreciate the comments but this poem is from 2006 and my poetry style has changed drastically in the past two years! I love you guys, but I have a bunch of new stuff that would benefit much more from the crits.
Thanks loves!
I'm only going to edit the rewrite, since I'm assuming that's what you want.
Meh... I've never been much for repetition in poems, at least not one line after the other like this. I think for repetition to really work well, it needs to be either spread throughout the entire poem with each line having some sort of repetition pattern, or at the end of each stanza or some other pattern like that. This just seems out of place to me.
Probably my least favorite lines in the poem, especially with the word "crazies" They just don't fit, see if you can find another way to say "returning home"
There doesn't need to be a hyphen in between moved on, its just two different words, and the second line there sounds pretty awkward, see what you can do with that.
There were definitely some good moments in this poem, with some good word choices and descriptions. The idea is a little cliche, but there doesn't need to be anything wrong with that as long as you present it in a whole new way. Overall, the whole thing didn't wow me, but it's definitely not a hopeless cause. Good luck!
I prefer the original poem to the rewrite - somehow the rewrite just seems wrong.
These lines are just fantastic - pure genius - and I love them. It's such an inspired thought!
I think these lines might read better as 'But you can't shake the feeling that you've made a mistake' It's just a suggestion, but when I read it those two line sort of stick
These lines all come across a little confused for me. To start with there's the initial problem with the length of the first line. On top of that it doesn't really make sense - how can you have been left behind if you're not at home?
This is my suggestion;
It's time to go home -
the thought consumes your mind
But it's lonely there,
with no one left behind.
The second line here is a little awkward. Maybe you could try something like 'So you decide to stick it out and wait for things to feel right' Whatever you do cut out the 'just' because it simply doesn't work.
I like your final lines - they seem to promise hope, which is a lovely way to finish.
All in all it's a great poem. Don't bother with the rewrite. Just concentrate on reworking the original.
Bkwrm
Some of the word choices in the lines bothered me; if I had been reading it aloud, I would have tripped on some of these phrases such as "it's exactly what you dreamed" in the first stanza. In this case, it might be because exactly has three syllables while it is places in the midst of words that only have one or two. In the last stanza as well, "So you decide to stick it out" has alot of words that are only one syllable, and there are alot of d's and t's within the words, punctuating them and separating them more.To me, it made these lines seem cluttered. Similarly, the very last line has words of only one syllabal each, making it seem lacking something. The line "But you know your purpose here" is without any hard sounds after the initial word, making it seem drawn out.
I like the meter of the poem and I think the message works well for a younger audience.
-Amelia
This poem flows well and I enjoyed reading it aloud. The only sentence that stuck out ot me and seemed out of place was "Go back home"
It seemed shorter than the others. I really like your work
Wow, you've impressed me again.
What I liked:
"you wanted a homerun
but you are stuck on first base."
I like the imagery you've given here, linking it to a game.
It was clever,
"And as the darkness spills over"
I like this too, reminds me of ink spilling or something.
What I didn't like so much:
"Go back home"
This line was a bit short compared to others and kind of.. stuck out a bit.
Other than that
trix xx
thanks.
I actually took the gist of this poem and rewrote it completely and reposted it today--take a look please?
Thanks guys!
Some of the sentence structure was indeed awkward. It was a great poem, and I personally thought the flow wasn't that bad. But you had a couple of sentences that just weren't...right. An example would be:
This one seems too long. As Snoink suggested, read the whole poem out loud and see how the flow is. You may be surprised at the changes needed.
Also, as one last thing, cut out the ellipses. They detract from the poem because they seem so out of place. Use hyphens instead-it gives that level of suspense, yet keeps the flow going.
And on this line:
I would use a semicolon instead of a comma. It's two separate thoughts put together, so you need to separate them correctly.
Good job!
hello there.
all right. even if you're trying to rhyme, like Snoink said, you shouldn't let the flow of it be disturbed. the way you made the poem rhyme forced you to rearrange the words... and it made the sentence sound awkward. also like Snoink said, try reading this aloud and see what you can do to make it sound smoother.
i hope this helps,
I think that it's perhaps a little too simple. That is, I think you're rhyming it too much. This might not be so bad, but the flow sounds so wrong. Try reading it out loud and then get someone to read it out loud for you. Does the poem flow like water, or does it seemed to be almost stuttered? In my case, it's more of a stutter, and that's not good. If you want simplicity, you have to aim for something that reads well -- not just for a rhyming scheme.
Now, let's look at the actual subject. The thoughts from the poem look scattered. These two stanzas:
Seem don't seem to be adding to the poem. Yeah, you're telling us about the pain and lonliness and thoughts, but that's part of the problem. You're only telling us -- not showing us in some concrete langauge that reinforces these ideas. Try to show us it. And don't worry about making everything rhyme.
Have fun editing!
This piece flows beautifully! It has a definite meaning instead of tying a few rhyming words together. The lines intertwine gracefully, with no force.
If it sounds weird at all, here is where I'd look:
That second line seems like it's a beat too long when you read it aloud to yourself. The two lines don't seem to connect as well as the others.
The rest of the poem is just incredible though. The meaning is strong and so is the rhythm.
The baseball reference was cleverly linked to the "Go Back Home" line.
Gorgeous work here!
As always,
POKE
I thought is was a very meaningful poem. I can definetly feel what your trying to say.
Nice poem!