The Storm
She stands in the field,
Her sapphire hues pointed to the sky.
She stands hoping for just one drop to fall.
The clouds hang above,
like monsters over the dry ground.
They threaten a storm, but she knows better.
The wind is more than blustering,
She loses her balance and stumbles.
But the wind has no business with this land.
Lightning bounces through the thick sky,
Flashing down upon her silhouette figure.
Beckoning for thunder, but it never comes.
She stands in the field,
Waiting for a glimmer of hope;
For a pillar of strength
To hold against the storm.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
I liked it. ALOT.
There is so much atmosphere, I feel like I'm there.
And I can relate to it. I know that sounds weird but I often just want it to rain when there is so much tension before there is a storm. When you know it needs to but it just keeps holding on...
Liked the new descriptions especially. There are so many poems about storms (I myself have written one and as you seem to be pretty good at them could you review mine?) but I felt this had lots of new idea's in it.
Well done!
xxx
Yes, really better without the charcoal spheres part. I really liked this poem. It needs a little more description though. If you could add in a few more adjectives to your lines to support your beautiful nouns, this would really turn out great. I like the whole image you have going on here, it just needs more depth and maybe even a clearer meaning? Good Job.
Keep it up!
-Rieda
I have edited it a little...for the first time since it was posted.
Charcoal spheres....totally gone now. Better? Haha.
What are charcoal spheres?
I love this poem! I'd clear up what "Charocal spheres" is though! I'm postig it on my website!
write me,
I looked here for something new.
I could have saved my time.
Given the title and the trope, there is nothing here that surprises or delights the reader. It is all predictable and in the end boring.
The problem isn't execution, it's concept.
Regards,
Brad
I liked this poem and I thought you used suitable imagery, a little confusing in some places, but nevertheless, enjoyable to read. good job
xx
Do know what? I like it. I actually like it... although its a little depressing and seems a bit confusing as in....... why is she standing in a field wanting it to rain????
Anyway, some good imagery.
The stuff I have underlined are the bits I particularly liked.
The repetition of the person standing in the field is a bit boring though...... good job.
I figured the charcoal spheres meant that she had black eyes, and that she was looking into the sky. It's very vauge, and the phrase "charcoal spheres" seems demonic even. The line 'she stands...' seems dull and boring, makes me want to stop reading the poem right there. Its a large change from the description of the charcoal spheres to the plain standing and waiting for it to rain. Add more description to that line; possibly put a description of the girl before it, and after the charcoal
Again another reference to something scary/demonic, the theme should be removed completely or spread throught the poem ( i suggest remove it). the 'They threaten...' line is way to simple, the 'but she knows better' part is redundant and un needed, its just another random line put in there. The "they threaten a storm" part should be changed to something more descriptive and dark, because at the moment it is just listing what they're doing.
In this stanza, it is flowing more like a written paragraph just chopped up and made to look like a poem.
Better than your earlier stanza's but still requireing improvement. The 'it beckons...'
line is also another part where you just list what is happening. First of all who is beckoning, the silhouette? the girl? the lightning?
Parts of this stanza could be removed (blue=little revision).
Overall, interesting, alshough it seems like your main problem is listing things rather than describing them; the list is of good topics they just need to flesh out more. Also the girl isn't really needed for this poem and could be removed completely; yet if you choose not too, there should be more lines pertaining to the girl and how the oncoming weather affects her and her immediate environment. Keep at it.
-DQ
I don't know much about critting poetry, but I just wanted to say I liked this, especially the last stanza.
You probably could take out the 'a little' and just leave it as 'stumbles'.
One or the other dear, silhouette or figure? Both sound repetitive and a bit awkward to me.
Other then that, I got a kick out of it. ^_^
LUNA
Charcoal spheres? What's that supposed to mean? I've thought of three possible things, but two are rather... erm... strange.
You might want to have a different, more specific noun.
What I did notice is that this seems more prose-like (prosaic?) than poetic, which makes me think that this was a character sketch for a novel or something instead of an actual poem. It's too dry and though the style is lovely for fiction, it doesn't seem right in poetry. Or am I making sense?
*flails*
Oh well. Can't wait to read one of your stories.
thank you for the feedback!
I actually agree with that line...I have changed it like ten times since i wrote it...i can't figure out how to make it sound right.
how about..."Beckoning for thunder, but it never comes."
takes out the first it? still the same point? what do ya think?
This is awesome! I love this stanza—
The last stanza is very well done also. Excellent job! The only part that you might want to change is this line,
I understood what you meant, but your use of "it" twice to mean different things is a little confusing.
I look forward to reading more of your work!
cx