Hmm...Via, it's good, but it didn't really peak my interest. I think it can be done better. Keep up the good work.
-Rick
Tonight the lights are dimmed;
The halls fall on deaf ears.
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human.
Somewhere a mothers tears
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.
A bed emptied;
A bed filled.
But here there is silence.
Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter.
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath.
Hmm...Via, it's good, but it didn't really peak my interest. I think it can be done better. Keep up the good work.
-Rick
Hey Yoda! Thanks for letting me practise on your poems. It's a huge help. ^_^
Random question -- how do halls fall on deaf ears? *confused*
Hm. An interesting little poem. I like it... but I'm also befuddled by it? Lol, shows you what I know about poetry. xD
Erm, I'm trying to put my finger on exactly what bugs me about it. I suppose the fact that it seems like none of the ideas relate, but I think that's just me? Meh. I'm terrible with poetry. I'm trying, though! xD
I suppose it's kind of a good thing I don't really have anything to say. Aren't poems supposed to make you think? Heh. Good job, you made me think. xD
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate 
I have to agree with smorgishborg. The poem was very confusing. It wasn't focused at all. However, the sound was nice. Also, I didn't understand the meaning of the poem.
Yes, I am alive and kicking! And I promise I'll post in GC soon. =) But for now, onto your lovely poem, yes? ^^
Tonight the lights are dimmed;
The halls fall on deaf ears.
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human.
Somewhere a mothers tears
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.
A bed emptied;
A bed filled.
Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter.
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath.
Wow, great poem! I loved the part about harmonic breath!
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath.
Very nice use of aural imagery in here. I can not only see everything happening but hear it too. Very effective. I also liked your assonance in the second line, I'd suggest more of this if you could; it works really well with the sounds theme you've got here.
Some things I thought were a touch overdone. For example I'm not sure about all of the adverbs an adjectives, some seem a bit to overdo it. I'd question if you really need all of them.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath.
Via wrote:Tonight the lights are dimmed;<----Creepy... In a good way.
The halls fall on deaf ears.<----Never heard that one before. What is it supposed to mean? Sorry about my childishness.
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human.
Somewhere a mothers tears<----I think you should just start a whole new stanza here. this doesn't flow with the line before it...
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.<-----I think this is my favorite part in the whole poem.
A bed emptied;
A bed filled.<----Okay, my favorites are these two lines and the two I just pointed out.
But here there is silence.
Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter.<-----Dude, are the nurses on crack or something? Wow. Death isn't a funny thing. We should enlighten the nurses... Lol. This flows good with the poem. Keep this line.
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath.<-----This part confuses me, but shows a sense of belonging. That's good.
I love your writing Via! *envies you*
Via wrote:Tonight the lights are dimmed;
The halls fall on deaf ears.
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human.
Somewhere a mothers tears
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.
A bed emptied;
A bed filled.
But here there is silence.
Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter.
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath.
Somewhere a mothers tears
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.
Woah Via, this is some powerful stuff. Claudette and smorgishbord have covered pretty much everything. I love the internal rhyme of "hall" and "fall". I love "a bed empty,
a bed filled",
and "sift through death certificates."
It really conveyed a sense of insignifigance, which contrasted with "tears"and the other expressions of pain.
Via wrote:Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter.
.
It didn't work for me, I'm afraid.
It's a step or two away from being quite good, however...
What bothered me the most were quite word choices, which really disrupted flow and meaning.
>The halls fall on deaf ears. Stopped here and wondered how halls could "fall on deaf ears"
>To the unknown[s]—to the human.[/s] It doesn't flow.
>Somewhere a mother's tears
>Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath. Can he: "gasp" "inhale" ""exhale" "mumble" ect...? I don't like "speaks" here.
>But [s]here[/s] there is silence. I dunno, does your poem need a specific location?
>Somewhere a child is [s]quietly[/s] born, Another ill fit
>With deafening laughter. I don't understand what point you're making with this line... Enlighten me?
>Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath.For me, this was uncharacteristic of the poem. It felt like an easy ending, it felt like a stock line...
Tonight the lights are dimmed;
The halls fall on deaf ears. [This makes figurative sense, I think, but it's kind of weird. Perhaps I'm too literal]
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human. [I love the connection between unknown and human here, it's chilling]
Somewhere a mothers tears [did you mean not to put an apostrophe?]
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.
A bed emptied;
A bed filled. [this is so... chilling. So little words to say so much, and in the same way quiet]
But here there is silence.
Somewhere a child is quietly born, [quietly bothers me but I do not know what else would fit]
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates [this makes me think of "The office of Dead Letters" in Bartleby the scrivener]
With deafening laughter. [You used "dead" above so I think the reuse doesn't work, and I don't like the word there anyway. It just doesn't... work]
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sound of your breathing.
It's a superb poem, so silent and crisp. I half want to suggest all lower case, to pull the silence in even more. You're such a wonderful poet, Via, it is amazing. The silence was so easy to hear in the line breaks, and the stanza breaks. It was perfect. Chilling, scary, realistic, and silent. Bravo.
And, sorry for my incredebly lazy style of critique. ^_^
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