Harsh waves crash
among a bed of empty shells.
They jostle back and forth
as their drain themselves
of the wake.
If you need me.
Harder and faster
the waves slam what's left
of life that once was.
Creeping into their being,
only allowing a glimpse
between assaults.
If you need me.
The tide is in now;
force is no longer needed
to drown the hollows
and cover them with sand--
as if they were never there
to begin with.
If you need me.
A blank slate--
creaseless,
smooth,
inevident,
ceaseless.
You did not come.
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139,448 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
hii Via, I am here to review your poem .
The topic and theme is a good one but i did not understand this part :
"They jostle back and forth
as their drain themselves
of the wake."
here did you mean "they" instead of "their"?
Rest all was fine!
The second paragraph is my favourite!
Ummmm.......... I think I have nothing more to say....
Keep writing!
From Sulagna.
I love this! As others have said, it’s very sad, but it communicates the emotion very well. Your use of structure is very effective, especially with the structural change at the end of the poem. I think that the “their” in the line “as their drain themselves” was maybe meant to be a “they”, though.
The “if you need me” is a nice touch, and keeps the theme firmly in place.
Hello, this is LUNARGIRL with a short review for you.
I really liked your poem, it had so much power, emotion, and detail in it. It was a very sad poem, but I loved it all the same.
My favorite lines were the ending part.
"If you need me.
A blank slate--
creaseless,
smooth,
inevident,
ceaseless.
You did not come."
You ending was great, can't wait to see what you write next!
Carpe diem,
LUNARGIRL
I really love it! It's very sad but I can imagine the scene in my head, very tranquil. My favorite lines were;
The tide is in now;
force is no longer needed
to drown the hollows
and cover them with sand--
as if they were never there
to begin with.
The imagery is great and the vocabulary fits the theme well. Kep writing!
I really love it! It's very sad but I can imagine the scene in my head, very tranquil. My favorite lines were;
The tide is in now;
force is no longer needed
to drown the hollows
and cover them with sand--
as if they were never there
to begin with.
The imagery is great and the vocabulary fits the theme well. Kep writing!
This is a sad poem. You could make it less cerebral and more emotional if you want a stronger effect. A lot of it is telling, which is okay, but you do it enough. I wish you elaborated on "If you need me" like, saying you did not come earlier and ending with how it affected the situation.
Words like force is not needed now is good for the emotions.
That's my take on your poem. Maybe I'm just cold.
Hi Via! I'm here to give you your review!
I'm pretty sure you meant "They" instead of "Their" in the fourth line of this stanza.
Other than that, this is a very nice introduction. The rhyme keeps the reader going!
I love how you add "If you need me." between every stanza. It continuously reminds the reader of the mood in the poem.
You put a comma after "Creeping into their being". However, it doesn't seem like you put commas in many other places where there should be one. Such as the first line in this stanza. "Harder and faster the waves slam what's left." There should be a comma after that. Unless you want the entire poem to not have unnatural commas after every line. Then that's different.
Nothing wrong with this stanza. Seems perfectly fine to me. Just one thing. You placed some rhyme in the first stanza, but not in the others. So, maybe some rhyme would be helpful in keeping the reader's attention.
Very nice! It's short and sweet, just like perfect ending to many poems. I love how you use the beach as the metaphor, and end it with your "Blank Slate".
Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with this review!