Young Writers Society

Hello, love!

First, on the first stanza: I agree with Anna, the wording is off -- maybe something like 'against windows of lighted rooms'? And then, the line below I like, but the fact that there is no transition bothers me. A lot. Though you don't need it necessarily, and probably left it out on purpose, I really want to throw a 'that' in there.

I'll also agree with Anna that you don't tie the stanzas together by much more than a thread - and that being 'Tonight I watch her form through the pane' in the second stanza. If you want to connect it more and not change/add anything, I'll use 'that' instead of 'the' since it connects the speaker's experience with the observation in the first stanza.

And, because I'm me and I trim everything until there's nothing left (sorry!), in the first stanza, to get rid of the repetition of 'secret' since I don't think it's particularity effective here, since it's not the focus of the poem, maybe something like this? '..than you or I,/kept safe...' maybe? I should probably get out of the habit of simply taking poems and, er, 'fixing' them. I do it because I love, though! <3

Oh! Possibly a way to tie-in the 'her' in the poem that I can't be annoying and give you a suggestion for would be to mess with the title, so the reader knows to expect something more than what you present in the first stanza, and thus isn't as thrown off by the second and third stanzas. This does feel somewhat unfinished, like we're missing a movement (er, stanza) somewhere. Is that a possibility?

I love the last stanza, love it. And I'll go out on a limb and guess I know at least in part what this is about, and simply say well done; for everyone else, maybe elaborate a bit more? I'm taking my clues from 'She removes her hair and pulls on her hat--
A reminder of how close we came to losing her.'
those two lines, and then the fact that I know you. So if that's what you were aiming for, I got it for sure. No hair from chemo treatment, cancer, how the speaker came close to losing her.

Hey Meg! I give my one thousandth review to you. Happy Birthday!

I'm struggling to completely understand this poem. I think what you're trying to tell me is obscured somewhat -- there feels like something is lacking.

Is the her mentioned in the second stanza the truck/car or a person? Who are they? Why is she not mentioned until near the end? It is hard to empathise/understand a person placed later on, with little explanation of who, or what, they are. Is the poem simply about how close the narrator came to losing a truck, in an accident perhaps?

I'm having a lot of problems understanding it, either way.

In terms of language, the repetition of secret in two successive lines makes it stale. It's should be Its. Form in the second stanza looks like a typo of from. The rhythm is good and it flows well.

I think you need to introduce the her earlier, and explain why she was almost lost, and why it matters. Otherwise the meaning is lost on the reader, even if it seems straight-forward to a personal experience of yours. Something has been lost in the translation and your poem suffers because of it.

I hope you re-write this and I can revisit it! Hope this helped. Good luck, and hope you had a nice birthday!

Hello Via! *snuggles* And happy birthday!

against lighted rooms of windows

I really liked this poem, but like June I didn't quite understand it. Maybe it is just late night drowsiness, I don't know.

I really liked the imagery you provided, but I still fail to understand what cars/trucks have to do with keeping secrets. However I did really like this line:

A secret kept safe by metal;

aluminum that can’t be bribed.

Hey Via!


Good poem! You drew me in and didn't disappoint. It's halfway a bit hard to understand, but I'm tired at the moment, so when I "wake up" I'll probably ponder over this and find something worthwhile to say for it.

I didn't like the repetition of "secrets" much-- but then again, I never hear myself saying I like any repetition. I am such a picky person when it comes to poems.

'Twas sweet. I liked it alot. I will continue to fish for what this poem represents . If I can't find it, I will come running back to you begging you for it, haha.

Good job Canada, very nice.

I give it a 10/10

June